I let myself change. I allowed myself to let other people care for me, and to care for them.
[There's a pause, but.]
I don't tend to think very highly of myself. I live with a lot of regrets, a lot of anger at myself. Sometimes that makes it hard to accept that someone else would care to know me. But people are funny. Those things don't always matter as much to others.
[Not Caleb. He could smell the self-hating wizard vibes on this kid a mile away.]
Yes, some don't care about that.
Tell me - do you believe you'll drag them down whether you intend to or not? Or do you simply know the things you plan to do will likely wind up hurting them?
We're tasked with it, but I haven't been able to say it. My wish has always been to uncover the means to complete a spell that will allow me to correct a terrible mistake I once made. But this sort of magic, it has never been done without disastrous consequences, to the caster if not to the world. I think I've solved it a little, though. I think I can even do it without destroying myself, destroying everything. If I pull it off perfectly, no mistakes, I undo my mistake and lose nothing.
But even taking on that risk would be a betrayal of all of the people who care for me. It would risk not only my life but all of theirs, all of their loved ones, all of their happiness. It's difficult, reconciling how much I care for them with the fact that a large part of me is still determined to pull it off somehow.
Even putting this down in words is a little terrifying to me. You could show this to Beauregard and I would be finished.
But at least you know you don't have to worry about dragging me down, right? I'm already at the bottom.
I can't really empathize with trying to undo past mistakes. Though I can understand going ahead with something even if it puts the rest of the world at risk.
I've made mistakes, but I prefer to focus on carving a path for the future than dwell in the past. Unseal and purify a corrupted god. Most people are willing to accept the false peace we currently have, but things need to change.
Then I wonder why you are afraid of others being dragged down?
I will admit another thing to you. My plans - I will almost certainly lose my nerve and not go through with them. I have felt it happening for a long time, my determination faltering. Love will do that to you, so I understand your hesitations a little.
Sympathizing with warlocks is taboo. Helping one can be tantamount to treason. I don't doubt in what I need to do, because I believe the status quo of my world needs to end. I didn't expect others to get involved in a way that wasn't opposition, though.
Yes, I think your goals are a little less selfish and a little more admirable than mine.
It is not treason or taboo to sympathize with warlocks here, however. Habits can be hard to unlearn, but perhaps you could find a little happiness for yourself all the same.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
There's no point in getting to know me. You're better off spending your time elsewhere.
no subject
no subject
no subject
Maybe I used to be that way, but not anymore.
no subject
What changed?
no subject
[There's a pause, but.]
I don't tend to think very highly of myself. I live with a lot of regrets, a lot of anger at myself. Sometimes that makes it hard to accept that someone else would care to know me. But people are funny. Those things don't always matter as much to others.
no subject
Yes, people can be that way. Some don't care even if they're dragged down with you.
[people probably think hugo pushes people away because he's afraid of getting hurt—but that's never quite been the case.]
no subject
Yes, some don't care about that.
Tell me - do you believe you'll drag them down whether you intend to or not? Or do you simply know the things you plan to do will likely wind up hurting them?
It's the latter for me.
no subject
no subject
We're tasked with it, but I haven't been able to say it. My wish has always been to uncover the means to complete a spell that will allow me to correct a terrible mistake I once made. But this sort of magic, it has never been done without disastrous consequences, to the caster if not to the world. I think I've solved it a little, though. I think I can even do it without destroying myself, destroying everything. If I pull it off perfectly, no mistakes, I undo my mistake and lose nothing.
But even taking on that risk would be a betrayal of all of the people who care for me. It would risk not only my life but all of theirs, all of their loved ones, all of their happiness. It's difficult, reconciling how much I care for them with the fact that a large part of me is still determined to pull it off somehow.
Even putting this down in words is a little terrifying to me. You could show this to Beauregard and I would be finished.
But at least you know you don't have to worry about dragging me down, right? I'm already at the bottom.
no subject
caleb doesn't get a response for a long time.]
I can't really empathize with trying to undo past mistakes. Though I can understand going ahead with something even if it puts the rest of the world at risk.
no subject
What is it you are planning that may risk the world in this way?
no subject
Unseal and purify a corrupted god. Most people are willing to accept the false peace we currently have, but things need to change.
no subject
But you fear that if you fail, you will drag others down with you?
no subject
no subject
I will admit another thing to you. My plans - I will almost certainly lose my nerve and not go through with them. I have felt it happening for a long time, my determination faltering. Love will do that to you, so I understand your hesitations a little.
no subject
Sympathizing with warlocks is taboo. Helping one can be tantamount to treason.
I don't doubt in what I need to do, because I believe the status quo of my world needs to end. I didn't expect others to get involved in a way that wasn't opposition, though.
no subject
It is not treason or taboo to sympathize with warlocks here, however. Habits can be hard to unlearn, but perhaps you could find a little happiness for yourself all the same.
no subject
no subject
no subject