[ . . . . . it makes sense. it's logical. she almost feels like she can believe in that. it makes her lean against his touch for just a moment longer because -
gods, she's weak after all, isn't she? to make all these grand statements about keeping her distance, about not wanting to fall for anyone. but all it takes is a few words, some understanding, and someone who will come to hold her hand knowing she's at her most volatile that gets her heart to ache. she wants to trust crow. she wants to believe in him.
she's mad at herself for it.
so she pulls away from his touch even after the momentary lapse, righting herself so she's not leaning on him, even though she'll keep holding his hand.]
... it's not always - a two-way street.
[it's very rarely a two-way street for her. she is someone who locks all of her complaints and her worries inside, because being anything less than what everyone needs can risk making everything fall apart.]
It is when it comes to accepting no one’s always the person they show the rest of the world.
[ he isn’t always the friendly jokester kind of person everyone sees. hell, he isn’t that person — not entirely. he’s something a little darker, a little more ruthless and a little less benevolent. but it isn’t not him either. he’s a little of both. and the people who truly matter to him understand and accept it.
which makes him wonder if iris has never had someone see and accept both this ruthless side of her and the warm and caring side she shows most of the time. surely not, right? but the fact she just doesn’t seem to think it’s even possible… ]
It’s just a hell of a process to accept that sometimes. Took me a while. [ at what point did he really start trusting class vii, and understanding they still wanted him with them despite the rap sheet, despite the terrorism, the annexation, and the civil war?
a while. not even counting the fact he’d died on them too.
… he leans in just a little, and bumps their foreheads together lightly. just a moment, before he moves out of her space again, his hand still keeping hers and that little point of contact between them, ] And, ultimately, it’s up to you if you want to try as well.
as a person who has endured her reputation going through the mud repeatedly, she supposes it's true - no one is always the person they show the rest of the world. some days, iris feels like she's lauded as a saint, and other days, she feels every bit as cruel as the villainess they claim her to be. it's just that in her own personal narrative, she is far more often the latter. she wonders what life would be like if she lended herself to sincerity and softness the way that girl who stole everything from her does but -
she is only herself. broken, resistant, calculating, and selfish - she is so entirely herself.
so when crow leans down to bump their foreheads together, she doesn't flinch back, but he'll see in her eyes the way that she's searching his expression for any ounce of hesitance or deceit. sharing emotions was uncomfortable - but at the time it was another resource for her, to figure out how to manage her trust. now, she only has to hope that her faith outweighs her paranoia when she sees only certainty in his gaze.]
... it is not about wanting. [of course she wants to try. of course she wants to be close to people. for all that she tries to close her heart off, perhaps that is the one thing she is consistently poor at. a beat of hesitation, and then softly:] ... I am trying, with you.
[it might not be very good. he has to pull her back constantly when she tries to run, and even now her words seem to leave her when she wants to talk.
[ his gaze is certain. because he's speaking from experience, and it's what he believes. it's hard as hell, and can hurt like exposing the bone beneath your skin, as parts of you that you want to stamp down and lock away to make your life easier get dragged up to the surface.
but he does know it's not a bad thing, being able to be a little more honest with yourself. he's only just got there himself. ]
Yeah. I know. [ he brushes a knuckle against her cheek. ] It's appreciated.
I'm trying too. In other ways. [ ... he didn't expect to. not early on. but even this much is enough time to know if you care about someone, at the very least. ]
[ . . . . she lets him, accepting the touch as she lets her gaze flick back up at him, meeting his eyes. iris is self-aware about her faults, about her trauma, and she knows that it makes her a difficult person to talk to. some people are kinder than others, in the ways that they tell her she's not that bad - but she knows she is.
and it means something when people are still willing to stand by, and wait for her, and recognize just how slow she is at this particular thing.
her heart flutters a little restlessly in her chest and she aggressively ignores it.
she might be trying - but in some things harder than others.]
[ he tilts his head slightly. again, it's that balance of not scaring her off, but also not insulting her intelligence by pretending he means something he doesn't.
honesty is the best policy. but honesty still feels a little raw to him, sometimes, after so many years of subterfuge and hiding things.
but iris is nothing if not intelligent, and he's not about to pretend otherwise. ]
So, I'm being good. Everything's in your hands, like I said, and I'm fine with that.
he might not mean to insult her intelligence but this absolutely was not what she thought he was going to say. she blinks a little owlishly at this, being the fluster seems to overtake.]
I—
You—
[ . . . . ]
Do you and Ichiro really have nothing better to do....
[than to pursue a girl who clearly has a thousand problems? hello?]
On a surface level, I have no illusions about why someone might seek to court me.
[like. she's beautiful, competent, kind about 90% of the time, comes from a noble family, is probably richer than god, and is someone who can probably be easily mistaken for a lovely partner.
he leans in at that, and bumps his forehead against hers again. ]
I'll take the good and the bad, and all the parts you like and don't like about yourself.
If you offer them to me willingly, I'm not a benevolent enough person to step aside and say no for the sake of someone else, or because you're convinced no one would want them.
...
Even if you're struggling to believe in that, at least understand I know myself well enough to know what I'm offering and what I'm hoping for.
she looks up at him and doesn't flinch back, having accepted this by now but - what type of good luck charm is this? what type of good luck is he hoping for, and what does 'good fortune' mean in this sense?
. . . . ]
I'll never offer myself to anyone.
[she says that simply because - she doesn't. she is never the type of person to give herself away. even if someone were to ask, just as crow is asking, she cannot fathom the idea of giving herself to someone for fear of them breaking her.
she doesn't want to give anyone that much power over her.]
... but I'm not sure what to do with the rest of what you've said.
[ it's been six weeks who falls in love in six weeks ("mandi and wang lu, and beau and otome an--") who. ]
Then we can figure it out. If that's what you want. There's such a thing as meeting halfway.
[ in the centre, on equal grounds. ] Like this. [ he lifts their hands slightly, still joined. ]
Besides, I'm very fond of the you who doesn't take any crap, and does things like running an entire fief, while coming up with her own businesses and orphanages on the side. I want to see what she'll do next.
embarrassing. it sounds so much like what someone else told her, and in conjunction with everything else crow has said, she can't really stop herself from flushing. she looks down, unable to really meet his gaze anymore even as her cheeks heat up.
she wants to believe in that - but she can't. at least, not yet. perhaps not ever, and maybe it's inevitable that one day crow will get tired of waiting.
(or she can give in. maybe. one day.)]
I don't know what I want.
[she's not sure if she wants to protect herself more than she wants to hope that maybe, just maybe, he's telling the truth about accepting her and all of her flaws. it's a terrifying thing to be lonely, but it's just as perilous to trust.]
... but I am fond of you, and grateful for you. You are dear to me. I hope... that's understood, at least.
[ that's a cute flush. it does make him grin, but it's just a pleasant one -- not a sly, or a mocking one. ]
...
[ ... he leans up and gives her a quick, brief kiss on the forehead, before leaning back out of her space entirely. selfish? yes. but it punctuates his point. ]
I can keep saying it, that I'm patient enough to wait until you know. But actions mean more than words, so... I'll just have to hope you're not too surprised to see me still hanging around.
And I know. You've made that clear, Iris. Don't worry about that.
[ . . . . she's so embarrassed. she's still embarrassed and she's just going to settle for decisively looking away from him, trying to fix her hair so it covers more of her face until she stops blushing]
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gods, she's weak after all, isn't she? to make all these grand statements about keeping her distance, about not wanting to fall for anyone. but all it takes is a few words, some understanding, and someone who will come to hold her hand knowing she's at her most volatile that gets her heart to ache. she wants to trust crow. she wants to believe in him.
she's mad at herself for it.
so she pulls away from his touch even after the momentary lapse, righting herself so she's not leaning on him, even though she'll keep holding his hand.]
... it's not always - a two-way street.
[it's very rarely a two-way street for her. she is someone who locks all of her complaints and her worries inside, because being anything less than what everyone needs can risk making everything fall apart.]
no subject
[ he isn’t always the friendly jokester kind of person everyone sees. hell, he isn’t that person — not entirely. he’s something a little darker, a little more ruthless and a little less benevolent. but it isn’t not him either. he’s a little of both. and the people who truly matter to him understand and accept it.
which makes him wonder if iris has never had someone see and accept both this ruthless side of her and the warm and caring side she shows most of the time. surely not, right? but the fact she just doesn’t seem to think it’s even possible… ]
It’s just a hell of a process to accept that sometimes. Took me a while. [ at what point did he really start trusting class vii, and understanding they still wanted him with them despite the rap sheet, despite the terrorism, the annexation, and the civil war?
a while. not even counting the fact he’d died on them too.
… he leans in just a little, and bumps their foreheads together lightly. just a moment, before he moves out of her space again, his hand still keeping hers and that little point of contact between them, ] And, ultimately, it’s up to you if you want to try as well.
no subject
as a person who has endured her reputation going through the mud repeatedly, she supposes it's true - no one is always the person they show the rest of the world. some days, iris feels like she's lauded as a saint, and other days, she feels every bit as cruel as the villainess they claim her to be. it's just that in her own personal narrative, she is far more often the latter. she wonders what life would be like if she lended herself to sincerity and softness the way that girl who stole everything from her does but -
she is only herself. broken, resistant, calculating, and selfish - she is so entirely herself.
so when crow leans down to bump their foreheads together, she doesn't flinch back, but he'll see in her eyes the way that she's searching his expression for any ounce of hesitance or deceit. sharing emotions was uncomfortable - but at the time it was another resource for her, to figure out how to manage her trust. now, she only has to hope that her faith outweighs her paranoia when she sees only certainty in his gaze.]
... it is not about wanting. [of course she wants to try. of course she wants to be close to people. for all that she tries to close her heart off, perhaps that is the one thing she is consistently poor at. a beat of hesitation, and then softly:] ... I am trying, with you.
[it might not be very good. he has to pull her back constantly when she tries to run, and even now her words seem to leave her when she wants to talk.
but she is trying.]
no subject
[ his gaze is certain. because he's speaking from experience, and it's what he believes. it's hard as hell, and can hurt like exposing the bone beneath your skin, as parts of you that you want to stamp down and lock away to make your life easier get dragged up to the surface.
but he does know it's not a bad thing, being able to be a little more honest with yourself. he's only just got there himself. ]
Yeah. I know. [ he brushes a knuckle against her cheek. ] It's appreciated.
I'm trying too. In other ways. [ ... he didn't expect to. not early on. but even this much is enough time to know if you care about someone, at the very least. ]
no subject
and it means something when people are still willing to stand by, and wait for her, and recognize just how slow she is at this particular thing.
her heart flutters a little restlessly in her chest and she aggressively ignores it.
she might be trying - but in some things harder than others.]
.... what other ways?
no subject
You're not comfortable with too much affection.
[ he tilts his head slightly. again, it's that balance of not scaring her off, but also not insulting her intelligence by pretending he means something he doesn't.
honesty is the best policy. but honesty still feels a little raw to him, sometimes, after so many years of subterfuge and hiding things.
but iris is nothing if not intelligent, and he's not about to pretend otherwise. ]
So, I'm being good. Everything's in your hands, like I said, and I'm fine with that.
no subject
he might not mean to insult her intelligence but this absolutely was not what she thought he was going to say. she blinks a little owlishly at this, being the fluster seems to overtake.]
I—
You—
[ . . . . ]
Do you and Ichiro really have nothing better to do....
[than to pursue a girl who clearly has a thousand problems? hello?]
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I'm pretty firm with my choices, you know. I thought I'd made that clear.
[ wow. ]
Suppose it'd be silly to think I was the only one interested, but I'm fine with that. I can be pretty stubborn.
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I think you do yourself a disservice when it comes to why people would be interested. But I did already know that.
[ … ]
I told you I’m patient, but I do have hopes.
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[like. she's beautiful, competent, kind about 90% of the time, comes from a noble family, is probably richer than god, and is someone who can probably be easily mistaken for a lovely partner.
but.]
But I'm really hoping you'll know better soon...
no subject
[ well.
he leans in at that, and bumps his forehead against hers again. ]
I'll take the good and the bad, and all the parts you like and don't like about yourself.
If you offer them to me willingly, I'm not a benevolent enough person to step aside and say no for the sake of someone else, or because you're convinced no one would want them.
...
Even if you're struggling to believe in that, at least understand I know myself well enough to know what I'm offering and what I'm hoping for.
no subject
she looks up at him and doesn't flinch back, having accepted this by now but - what type of good luck charm is this? what type of good luck is he hoping for, and what does 'good fortune' mean in this sense?
. . . . ]
I'll never offer myself to anyone.
[she says that simply because - she doesn't. she is never the type of person to give herself away. even if someone were to ask, just as crow is asking, she cannot fathom the idea of giving herself to someone for fear of them breaking her.
she doesn't want to give anyone that much power over her.]
... but I'm not sure what to do with the rest of what you've said.
no subject
Then we can figure it out. If that's what you want. There's such a thing as meeting halfway.
[ in the centre, on equal grounds. ] Like this. [ he lifts their hands slightly, still joined. ]
Besides, I'm very fond of the you who doesn't take any crap, and does things like running an entire fief, while coming up with her own businesses and orphanages on the side. I want to see what she'll do next.
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embarrassing. it sounds so much like what someone else told her, and in conjunction with everything else crow has said, she can't really stop herself from flushing. she looks down, unable to really meet his gaze anymore even as her cheeks heat up.
she wants to believe in that - but she can't. at least, not yet. perhaps not ever, and maybe it's inevitable that one day crow will get tired of waiting.
(or she can give in. maybe. one day.)]
I don't know what I want.
[she's not sure if she wants to protect herself more than she wants to hope that maybe, just maybe, he's telling the truth about accepting her and all of her flaws. it's a terrifying thing to be lonely, but it's just as perilous to trust.]
... but I am fond of you, and grateful for you. You are dear to me. I hope... that's understood, at least.
no subject
...
[ ... he leans up and gives her a quick, brief kiss on the forehead, before leaning back out of her space entirely. selfish? yes. but it punctuates his point. ]
I can keep saying it, that I'm patient enough to wait until you know. But actions mean more than words, so... I'll just have to hope you're not too surprised to see me still hanging around.
And I know. You've made that clear, Iris. Don't worry about that.
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well!! that makes her about as red as a tomato! she's probably a little dizzy with just how flustered and embarrassed she suddenly is!]
That's—
[this is the WORST]
... you're too much...
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[ he just smiles. it's warm. ]
I'm just enough. Or, I'm trying to be.
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... I think you overshoot it a bit...
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Maybe. Reach for greater heights though, right? [ he's giving her some space though. ]