My kindness - [ he starts, a little desperately, almost baffled. what was kind about this? in what fucking world was he kind, that someone else had to be scapegoated? ichiro didn't do anything, today, but his hands aren't clean - he was implicit in the knowledge of what happened, and he lied, and it lead to the false accusation of one of their winters.
he can't say that to her, though. iris - clearly knows. she clearly knows. but he won't say anything, won't dare let a single other person be harmed because of his own short temper, his unstoppable mouth.
he closes his eyes, for a second, and takes a deep breath. repeats his mantra, three times. i'm strong, i'm strong, i'm strong. ]
... I told... when I found out about Kainé, I promised myself I'd try and find the people who were compelled. I know... [ this is the best he can say, right now. it is true. it's not quite the full truth, but it's a truth. ] ...I know if it was me, I'd want to be caught.
So I tried. [ and i succeeded.
did i? i don't think i did. ] Iris, I - I lied, today, and it got someone else hurt.
[ . . . . she closes her eyes and tries to think about it, then. if he wants her honesty in return - ]
That is one way to interpret what happened. In another way, you could say that the phone that Denji had could have been the most important piece of evidence - a sign that someone was trying to frame Winter. That would have been one way to discuss it, instead of assuming that it was Denji's. But no one wanted to talk about that. That's not your fault, even if you were deceitful in the initial suggestion.
However, even if you had said something truthful - where would you have been led to? No one wanted to vote for Maya, that much was obvious when she confessed and yet still was not condemned. What else was there? The blonde hair? So that they could instead point fingers at - who exactly, Lalli? I heard he caused a stir at the very end. There were a great number of suspects and yet -
This is what happened. It is cruel, unfair, and infuriating.
[ . . . ]
But you are not. If you want to call it a mistake, if you want me to scold you, I will. I will pinch one of your wounds and smack you. We can talk about how you never cave like this again.
But... you wanted Maya to be found, and you wanted her to not to have to live with Kainé's same burden - to feel terrified about everything she cannot say, or bound by fear of losing herself. That is kindness. You did what you could.
I am sorry that not everyone felt similarly, but I will not berate you for everyone else's decisions.
[ what iris says was - that was what he was hoping for, that maybe people would think denji was being framed. now, people probably think he's the suspicious one, which.. is fine. he's willing to take on the responsibility, because, if they have to do this again next week, he is going to be the suspicious one. (he refuses to take any other option, refuses to let luxanna and dimitri carry the burden.) it just would've been better if it wasn't denji.
lallis name brings to mind kon, his dead eyed misery from thursday that ichiro just barely remembers. there is no winning this game. he knows. he knows losing himself, or one of the other members of their fragile little group of people tasked with the impossible, wouldn't replace it, or make it better. cruel, unfair, infuriating says it, to say the least, and he looks down at her, almost soulful, eyes still wet, face still red and a little puffy.
it doesn't feel like kindness. and like always, he finds himself thinking - i could have done more. ]
...he's one of ours. [ ichiro says, quietly, about denji. ] I never - if it had been me, I never would've...
[ but he had to stay behind. he didn't get a choice. just the guilt, something that threatens to drown him.
You don't need to tell me things I already know - I think by now, I know the type of person you are.
[she's going to keep it at that. not when ichiro is so tired, and so sad. she'll hold onto his hand and give it a gentle squeeze, lightly interlacing their fingers as if to prove that she is well and truly going nowhere, and bringing up her other hand against to brush her thumb against the curve of his cheekbone.]
... let's go home. [a glance to all the bouquets and arrangements - ] I'll pick those up tomorrow.
[or leave them. who can say. she's going to start guiding him back in the direction of winter.]
Please help me bandage my hands? [if it'll give him something to do, to feel like he could help even one person - even if it's just her] ... it's almost over. Let's stay together, until then.
[she worries - about what will happen if she takes her eyes off of him.
[ ... he doesn't say anything to that. ichiro has to keep his thoughts quiet, forcefully, lest he say or think something he's not supposed to. the whole world just feels like its on his shoulders, right now, and he lets iris do whatever she wants, lets her take his hand, lets her touch his cheek. he's just - exhausted. numb. too tired and upset to feel anything else.
though.. home gets a spike of extremely unfamiliar anxiety, and he looks at the dorm, sort of distantly. ] I - [ I can't sleep in that room tonight - I can't.
ichiro's silent, for a second. ]
...yeah. [ it just reminds him of hurting ikebukuro. of working for mozuku, all those years ago.
stay alive, ichiro. don't be selfish, ichiro. i don't want to lose you, ichiro.
it's a lot of pressure. he has to shoulder it, like he always, always has.
he takes a deep breath and tries to push it off of his face, looking down at iris, and then looking at her hand. get it together. ] ...yeah. I can do that. [ help bandage her up, at least. the flowers can stay, for now. i hope these end up on location changes. ]
[ . . . it's been a long day. she doesn't know what else she can give him, and it bothers her. but at the very least - ]
You can hide away in my room, until you're ready to be anywhere else. Or we can take some of the camping materials and stay out - it's warm enough.
[the offer is there, if he doesn't want to be in his usual cuddle spots. she's assuming it's a painful reminder, or it hurts to be around others when he might not be able to watch his emotions.
I don't know what else to give. is her next thought and it leads to her asking - ]
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he can't say that to her, though. iris - clearly knows. she clearly knows. but he won't say anything, won't dare let a single other person be harmed because of his own short temper, his unstoppable mouth.
he closes his eyes, for a second, and takes a deep breath. repeats his mantra, three times. i'm strong, i'm strong, i'm strong. ]
... I told... when I found out about Kainé, I promised myself I'd try and find the people who were compelled. I know... [ this is the best he can say, right now. it is true. it's not quite the full truth, but it's a truth. ] ...I know if it was me, I'd want to be caught.
So I tried. [ and i succeeded.
did i? i don't think i did. ] Iris, I - I lied, today, and it got someone else hurt.
[
is that kindness? ]
no subject
That is one way to interpret what happened. In another way, you could say that the phone that Denji had could have been the most important piece of evidence - a sign that someone was trying to frame Winter. That would have been one way to discuss it, instead of assuming that it was Denji's. But no one wanted to talk about that. That's not your fault, even if you were deceitful in the initial suggestion.
However, even if you had said something truthful - where would you have been led to? No one wanted to vote for Maya, that much was obvious when she confessed and yet still was not condemned. What else was there? The blonde hair? So that they could instead point fingers at - who exactly, Lalli? I heard he caused a stir at the very end. There were a great number of suspects and yet -
This is what happened. It is cruel, unfair, and infuriating.
[ . . . ]
But you are not. If you want to call it a mistake, if you want me to scold you, I will. I will pinch one of your wounds and smack you. We can talk about how you never cave like this again.
But... you wanted Maya to be found, and you wanted her to not to have to live with Kainé's same burden - to feel terrified about everything she cannot say, or bound by fear of losing herself. That is kindness. You did what you could.
I am sorry that not everyone felt similarly, but I will not berate you for everyone else's decisions.
no subject
lallis name brings to mind kon, his dead eyed misery from thursday that ichiro just barely remembers. there is no winning this game. he knows. he knows losing himself, or one of the other members of their fragile little group of people tasked with the impossible, wouldn't replace it, or make it better. cruel, unfair, infuriating says it, to say the least, and he looks down at her, almost soulful, eyes still wet, face still red and a little puffy.
it doesn't feel like kindness. and like always, he finds himself thinking - i could have done more. ]
...he's one of ours. [ ichiro says, quietly, about denji. ] I never - if it had been me, I never would've...
[ but he had to stay behind. he didn't get a choice. just the guilt, something that threatens to drown him.
he takes a deep breath. inhale, exhale. ]
...I'm tired, Iris. [ quietly. ] I'm so tired.
no subject
You don't need to tell me things I already know - I think by now, I know the type of person you are.
[she's going to keep it at that. not when ichiro is so tired, and so sad. she'll hold onto his hand and give it a gentle squeeze, lightly interlacing their fingers as if to prove that she is well and truly going nowhere, and bringing up her other hand against to brush her thumb against the curve of his cheekbone.]
... let's go home. [a glance to all the bouquets and arrangements - ] I'll pick those up tomorrow.
[or leave them. who can say. she's going to start guiding him back in the direction of winter.]
Please help me bandage my hands? [if it'll give him something to do, to feel like he could help even one person - even if it's just her] ... it's almost over. Let's stay together, until then.
[she worries - about what will happen if she takes her eyes off of him.
I don't want to lose you, too.]
no subject
though.. home gets a spike of extremely unfamiliar anxiety, and he looks at the dorm, sort of distantly. ] I - [ I can't sleep in that room tonight - I can't.
ichiro's silent, for a second. ]
...yeah. [ it just reminds him of hurting ikebukuro. of working for mozuku, all those years ago.
stay alive, ichiro. don't be selfish, ichiro. i don't want to lose you, ichiro.
it's a lot of pressure. he has to shoulder it, like he always, always has.
he takes a deep breath and tries to push it off of his face, looking down at iris, and then looking at her hand. get it together. ] ...yeah. I can do that. [ help bandage her up, at least. the flowers can stay, for now. i hope these end up on location changes. ]
no subject
You can hide away in my room, until you're ready to be anywhere else. Or we can take some of the camping materials and stay out - it's warm enough.
[the offer is there, if he doesn't want to be in his usual cuddle spots. she's assuming it's a painful reminder, or it hurts to be around others when he might not be able to watch his emotions.
I don't know what else to give. is her next thought and it leads to her asking - ]
.... is there anything else you might want?