[ he's moving on to another nail, but there's something a bit sheepish when he speaks; ]
... I cut myself off from other people back then. I thought I could be fine on my own, but the truth is, I was lonely. So when I got that... I tried to work with it until I couldn't, because I thought I wasn't good enough for it. [ embarrassing. he shakes his head ] It's not like I had a great big epiphany where it made sense or anything. It's just something that resonates within us. I've had it pointed out I do a lot of things for friends.
[ basically he's a big sap who loves people and doesn't want to outright say that. and then he turns silent again for a little bit; ]
... I don't know what to do with something like this. With Lux. Of course it's better if she's stopped, if she's hurting people. For her sake and everyone else's. But the only way to do that for sure is...
[ he puts the brush back in the bottle and kind of covers his working eye with his freed hand and oh boy he was serious about doing things helping with his feelings because that is one big cloud of them choking out right now. he's sad and worried and anxious and furious! oops. ]
I can't stand it. This place. The secrets and the lies and the-- I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!
[ sorry about the yellow nail polish bottle he just threw at your wall riku ]
[gmail does not want to give me yamato notifs im losing it gmail is homophobic
The thrown bottle doesn't matter. Mostly because the feelings that started to bubble up in Yamato, out of Yamato, are familiar. He's choked on those same feelings before.
It feels like someone has somehow managed to cut him directly out of the same kind of cloth. He gets it. Other people think they aren't really emotional because they try to be logical, sensible, but that isn't true. They feel it, too. He is just as passionate as Sora, and he knows Yamato is just as passionate as Taichi. They just keep it (mostly) in because letting it out makes them feel wild and out of control.
He's careful of the nails as much as he can be, but he reaches out to curl his hand over Yamato's forearm and bring it down a bit. His other arm raises, hesitates, and then he thinks to hell with it, and pulls the arm to get Yamato to come to him. He wraps a his other arm around Yamato's shoulders. Hug!!]
I'm here. Which means you're not alone. I use to think Sora didn't know what he was talking about. He would say, "Follow your heart." And what if my heart was wrong? What if the darkness in it made it weak, or made me make a mistake.
But he's right. Your heart won't lead you wrong if you let it guide you. Whatever your heart says you should do, do that. We can figure things out along the way.
[ gmail be like stop being sad yamato you fucking loser no one cares
anyway, the good news is there's immediate remorse at breaking shit, which means he doesn't fight when riku lowers his arm or pulls him closer. his singular eye is tearing up a little, and it's hard to tell which part of what he did is responsible for the self-loathing bubbling up in his feelings. maybe all of it! maybe all of it.
the hug does seem to calm it a bit though? he relaxes a fraction and just stares down at his hands, blinking to keep the tears at bay. ]
... And if it's guiding me nowhere?
[ because that feels a bit where he's going these days. ]
Don't say that. It won't. Your heart never will. You might have to walk for a long time on the path you take, but you'll always end up right where you need to be.
[Well, he doesn't want to smear the stupid ass nail polish, so he rests his hands on Yamato's back for right now.]
Haven't you always ended up that way? All the times before, even if they were hard, you were where you needed to be. Here, too. Even though we hate it, you and I are... where we should be, for whatever reason. Maybe to meet.
You're doing what you can. You're trying, and that's enough.
[GOD. IS THIS WHAT SORA FEELS LIKE WITH HIM? He's not qualified for this. He hasn't passed his Mastery Exam yet!!!!!!! Why is he the counselor?!]
I've waited in this world forever just so I could meet you.We may be helpless against what's in store for us, but it must be because we can do something about it that we're here!
what he says, familiar and different all at once, and also partially riku's CLEAR LEAKING PANIC that seems to work to kind of snap him out of it. he's not sure he agrees right now, especially considering the circumstances, but he still knows riku's right. he wipes at his eye, taking a few shallow breaths that turn deeper, clearly focusing on calming himself down. ]
... Sorry. [ is what he settles for after a bit, leaning into the hold without thinking about it ] I shouldn't have...
[ broken down? yelled? thrown stuff? so many things. he shakes his head a little and tries to go fuck you mentally at the current bout of very unhelpful self-loathing ]
[(hxh voice) in my next life, i want to be me, and meet you again]
Don't apologize.
[He will hold Yamato while Yamato leans on him, it's fine. He thinks... this is what Sora would do for him, too. If he were spiraling, and if there was time. No. Sora would make time.
Sad, but supportive tendrils of comforting emotion reach out to tangle with the mess of Yamato's. It's turbulent. He's not good at this. His own feelings aren't much different. It's two drowning people trying to keep each other up, desperately clinging to the last piece of hopeful wood.]
We'll do it together. That's what friends do. I'm... tired of doing it alone. Aren't you? I couldn't have beaten Xemnas without Sora. And he couldn't have beaten Xemnas without me. We had to do it together.
We'll do this together. All of it. Even this right here.
he really didn't come here to break down on someone else. there's a lot of annoyance at that, at himself, because yamato's never been any good at emotional control in these circumstances, and it's always a little frustrating. so he's trying to focus on the good part-- riku trying to make him feel better and the things he's saying-- rather than anything else, like how he is the worst and making it riku's problem now too.
which, yeah, friendship, yamato, you can remember how that works sometimes. ]
... Yeah. I know. [ and then, a little more confident even if it's not all backed up by the right feelings; ] I know we will. I just...
It's what we'll have to do to get there that scares me, I guess.
[He's quiet. His emotions are as twisted up as Yamato's, but... his heart and breathing are steady and strong against Yamato's chest.
He pulls away just enough to be able to see Yamato's face. One hand rests when Yamato's neck meets the shoulder, sturdy. The other comes up to wipe the side of Yamato's face under the good eye with the heel of his thumb.]
Listen to your heart. You might not... have to do what you think you do. Killing them to stop them. Things aren't adding up, right? Caiman was different, but the others...
You have what it takes to find them instead, don't you? So catch them. You don't have to do it alone because you can do it together as a group. If that isn't enough... then do what you have to do to stop them, but don't be scared of it.
[ yamato looks away when riku wipes his face, which is fine, since he wants to look away at what he says, too. ]
... Catching them's the same, isn't it? Expulsion. [ it's still killing them, just later. he grimaces a little, feeling grim and exhausted ] I know it's what we have to do. I just... hate it. Luxanna is...
I think she might. She was worried about people targeting Byleth, this week. [ it was a big fucking tell, but. ] When we were out on that... field trip. I got to see some pretty personal stuff, from all three of them.
[ ... he does not expand on it ]
I know none of them would act if they had a choice. I just wish I could figure out why they're doing it. Maybe then there'd be another way.
[ yamato rolls his neck now that he is free of riku's yaoi hands. he stays quiet for a while as he mulls that question over ]
I don't know. With the rumor that people can become berserk and start killing, I thought maybe... But it doesn't quite fit. They found snacks, like they had a drink with Crow first. And if they had any way of knowing who's snapping before it happens, they wouldn't be working in pairs for one target and letting someone else kill.
So making them comfortable. Who eats with the people they are going to kill? The people they've supposedly killed haven't been kids either.
What else? You're thinking too narrow. More things than just on those days. The people who are acting strange--like we did. Why? Being thrown outside at night.
The things we can sell on Sundays. The things you all bring back from those places. Clues, right?
[ all Riku is getting from this is vague frustration, because yes, he knows he's stupid and can't figure shit out, outlining them doesn't help. he doesn't react on that anger because it's just the usual fun self-loathing shtick he has opted to ignore for today ]
The school spirit brainwashing... the person with that always ends up outside at night. I don't know if that means anything considering all the other patterns that fit with that. Taichi and Ichiro outlined a bunch at trial. There's just-- it can't all mean something.
Our most recent clues I can't interpret at all. The bear's working on a way to bring the dead back so then what the hell are we doing?
[ distracted by riku's own very compelling anger, there's just concern now? ]
... I know you're not. I didn't spend so much time trying to get through to you to think otherwise. [ it wasn't directed at him but he still wants it known? ] You've been yourself for a few days now. It's probably too early to say for sure, but I think you did manage to break that hold for good.
[ he seems confident there! somehow!! yamato pick a lane on your beliefs ]
[ considering yamato pitched a baby fit and made a mess, Riku is definitely allowed to get mad? Wow? it's yamato's turn to put his hand on riku's shoulder as well ]
... Yeah. We've been worried about that, too, and if the school spirit thing might be the start of something like that. [ ... ] On that field trip-- Taichi's memories were messed with, but my group just got a new set of them. Like a separate life we'd lived there. We still remembered this one, but it was... further. I think it must have meant something.
For as much as he talks big and steady, a mildly fearful, wild feeling reaches out to grab and cling onto Yamato when the hand touches him. Something a tiny bit sad and a tiny bit hopeless.
He can't do this without Sora is what he keeps thinking over and over. He doesn't have Sora again. (He spent a year running from him!) He is going to have to do this without that bright beam radiating out of all the dark.]
It's trying to... grab on, or something. It's... rewriting us? That's how it felt... being Luke, but then remembering myself, and remembering being him too.
[ yamato doesn't run from that feeling of fear, simply squeezes Riku's arm and tries to project assurance. he probably lands a bit closer to understanding. ]
... I don't know if it was exactly the same. Right now, those memories... I remember the whole thing, but that history they gave feels more like a movie I watched than something that happened to me personally now. [ which is a good thing, but there's something melancholic about the way he says it ]
[His brows pinch again. He's trying to to fall right back into the bitter frustration so the both of them don't end up on a stupid feedback loop of same hat.]
...Those places remind me of Roxas.
DiZ gave Roxas a fake life to lead in the digital world. It worked for a while... but parts of Sora couldn't be separated from Roxas because they were pieces of each other, so Roxas remembered them. Then the Organization infiltrated the world to take him back, too.
Both things... ruined the story, ruined the illusion.
[ yamato frowns a bit because, well, some of that still sounds vaguely fucked up on that Roxas guy, but it's not the point. ]
... Taichi and I have talked about that. If this place is maybe set in a virtual reality of some kind, and that's why so much stuff can just be controlled or rewritten. But that still means despite everything, your real selves shone through, right? So it's not like they can fully dictate things for us.
[It was, but all he cared about was getting his friend back whole because he's high gay on the gay side of bi.
It's...fine.]
I know. I don't know if it's virtual or not. All I know is it seems like there's a story this place is trying to force us to follow, but things... are wrong sometimes. Things don't... match?
The killings, the strange extra credit, the other places. Like the story isn't... [He struggles for the right words.] ...stable?
I thought so too, but the pages of script we found had some of those random murder or death scenarios. ... Well, I say script, but it's like some kind of demented adlib. It's-- there's comments on the original thing Taichi bought, like the pilot is too boring and they should find a way to make it stand out. I thought maybe that meant that stuff was the twist they thought about, but it doesn't explain ... anything else.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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... I cut myself off from other people back then. I thought I could be fine on my own, but the truth is, I was lonely. So when I got that... I tried to work with it until I couldn't, because I thought I wasn't good enough for it. [ embarrassing. he shakes his head ] It's not like I had a great big epiphany where it made sense or anything. It's just something that resonates within us. I've had it pointed out I do a lot of things for friends.
[ basically he's a big sap who loves people and doesn't want to outright say that. and then he turns silent again for a little bit; ]
... I don't know what to do with something like this. With Lux. Of course it's better if she's stopped, if she's hurting people. For her sake and everyone else's. But the only way to do that for sure is...
[ he puts the brush back in the bottle and kind of covers his working eye with his freed hand and oh boy he was serious about doing things helping with his feelings because that is one big cloud of them choking out right now. he's sad and worried and anxious and furious! oops. ]
I can't stand it. This place. The secrets and the lies and the-- I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!
[ sorry about the yellow nail polish bottle he just threw at your wall riku ]
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The thrown bottle doesn't matter. Mostly because the feelings that started to bubble up in Yamato, out of Yamato, are familiar. He's choked on those same feelings before.
It feels like someone has somehow managed to cut him directly out of the same kind of cloth. He gets it. Other people think they aren't really emotional because they try to be logical, sensible, but that isn't true. They feel it, too. He is just as passionate as Sora, and he knows Yamato is just as passionate as Taichi. They just keep it (mostly) in because letting it out makes them feel wild and out of control.
He's careful of the nails as much as he can be, but he reaches out to curl his hand over Yamato's forearm and bring it down a bit. His other arm raises, hesitates, and then he thinks to hell with it, and pulls the arm to get Yamato to come to him. He wraps a his other arm around Yamato's shoulders. Hug!!]
I'm here. Which means you're not alone. I use to think Sora didn't know what he was talking about. He would say, "Follow your heart." And what if my heart was wrong? What if the darkness in it made it weak, or made me make a mistake.
But he's right. Your heart won't lead you wrong if you let it guide you. Whatever your heart says you should do, do that. We can figure things out along the way.
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anyway, the good news is there's immediate remorse at breaking shit, which means he doesn't fight when riku lowers his arm or pulls him closer. his singular eye is tearing up a little, and it's hard to tell which part of what he did is responsible for the self-loathing bubbling up in his feelings. maybe all of it! maybe all of it.
the hug does seem to calm it a bit though? he relaxes a fraction and just stares down at his hands, blinking to keep the tears at bay. ]
... And if it's guiding me nowhere?
[ because that feels a bit where he's going these days. ]
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[Well, he doesn't want to smear the stupid ass nail polish, so he rests his hands on Yamato's back for right now.]
Haven't you always ended up that way? All the times before, even if they were hard, you were where you needed to be. Here, too. Even though we hate it, you and I are... where we should be, for whatever reason. Maybe to meet.
You're doing what you can. You're trying, and that's enough.
[GOD. IS THIS WHAT SORA FEELS LIKE WITH HIM? He's not qualified for this. He hasn't passed his Mastery Exam yet!!!!!!! Why is he the counselor?!]
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I've waited in this world forever just so I could meet you. We may be helpless against what's in store for us, but it must be because we can do something about it that we're here!
what he says, familiar and different all at once, and also partially riku's CLEAR LEAKING PANIC that seems to work to kind of snap him out of it. he's not sure he agrees right now, especially considering the circumstances, but he still knows riku's right. he wipes at his eye, taking a few shallow breaths that turn deeper, clearly focusing on calming himself down. ]
... Sorry. [ is what he settles for after a bit, leaning into the hold without thinking about it ] I shouldn't have...
[ broken down? yelled? thrown stuff? so many things. he shakes his head a little and tries to go fuck you mentally at the current bout of very unhelpful self-loathing ]
I didn't come here to throw it all on you.
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Don't apologize.
[He will hold Yamato while Yamato leans on him, it's fine. He thinks... this is what Sora would do for him, too. If he were spiraling, and if there was time. No. Sora would make time.
Sad, but supportive tendrils of comforting emotion reach out to tangle with the mess of Yamato's. It's turbulent. He's not good at this. His own feelings aren't much different. It's two drowning people trying to keep each other up, desperately clinging to the last piece of hopeful wood.]
We'll do it together. That's what friends do. I'm... tired of doing it alone. Aren't you? I couldn't have beaten Xemnas without Sora. And he couldn't have beaten Xemnas without me. We had to do it together.
We'll do this together. All of it. Even this right here.
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he really didn't come here to break down on someone else. there's a lot of annoyance at that, at himself, because yamato's never been any good at emotional control in these circumstances, and it's always a little frustrating. so he's trying to focus on the good part-- riku trying to make him feel better and the things he's saying-- rather than anything else, like how he is the worst and making it riku's problem now too.
which, yeah, friendship, yamato, you can remember how that works sometimes. ]
... Yeah. I know. [ and then, a little more confident even if it's not all backed up by the right feelings; ] I know we will. I just...
It's what we'll have to do to get there that scares me, I guess.
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He pulls away just enough to be able to see Yamato's face. One hand rests when Yamato's neck meets the shoulder, sturdy. The other comes up to wipe the side of Yamato's face under the good eye with the heel of his thumb.]
Listen to your heart. You might not... have to do what you think you do. Killing them to stop them. Things aren't adding up, right? Caiman was different, but the others...
You have what it takes to find them instead, don't you? So catch them. You don't have to do it alone because you can do it together as a group. If that isn't enough... then do what you have to do to stop them, but don't be scared of it.
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... Catching them's the same, isn't it? Expulsion. [ it's still killing them, just later. he grimaces a little, feeling grim and exhausted ] I know it's what we have to do. I just... hate it. Luxanna is...
[ ... ]
She's a friend. That always makes it harder.
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[He gets it. The frustration. The anger at the unfairness. His hand lowers.]
You think you know where they are, right? Afterward. That's a start. And the auction item. Sally's. What it can do. That's a start, too.
It'd be worse if it were easy, Yamato. We don't want that to ever be easy. I'll share the responsibility with you. I'll share the burden.
I think Luxanna would understand. When I've talked to her... She's big about justice. In your shoes, I don't know if she would hesitate.
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I think she might. She was worried about people targeting Byleth, this week. [ it was a big fucking tell, but. ] When we were out on that... field trip. I got to see some pretty personal stuff, from all three of them.
[ ... he does not expand on it ]
I know none of them would act if they had a choice. I just wish I could figure out why they're doing it. Maybe then there'd be another way.
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[He sighs, not condescendingly, but tiredly. He doesn't know the things Yamato saw. He just knows how he is, how that then can make Fall. Too similar.
He brings his hand back to himself finally so it doesn't weigh so heavily on Yamato's shoulder and neck.]
Why do you think they're doing it? What does killing have in common with everything else you've seen happen?
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I don't know. With the rumor that people can become berserk and start killing, I thought maybe... But it doesn't quite fit. They found snacks, like they had a drink with Crow first. And if they had any way of knowing who's snapping before it happens, they wouldn't be working in pairs for one target and letting someone else kill.
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So making them comfortable. Who eats with the people they are going to kill? The people they've supposedly killed haven't been kids either.
What else? You're thinking too narrow. More things than just on those days. The people who are acting strange--like we did. Why? Being thrown outside at night.
The things we can sell on Sundays. The things you all bring back from those places. Clues, right?
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The school spirit brainwashing... the person with that always ends up outside at night. I don't know if that means anything considering all the other patterns that fit with that. Taichi and Ichiro outlined a bunch at trial. There's just-- it can't all mean something.
Our most recent clues I can't interpret at all. The bear's working on a way to bring the dead back so then what the hell are we doing?
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We're trying to find a way to stop this stupid charade. I'm not letting it turn me into someone else again.
I'm finished being forced to follow along with this place's story! That isn't who I am!
[His own voice pitches in very similar frustration, but it's not directed at Yamato.]
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... I know you're not. I didn't spend so much time trying to get through to you to think otherwise. [ it wasn't directed at him but he still wants it known? ] You've been yourself for a few days now. It's probably too early to say for sure, but I think you did manage to break that hold for good.
[ he seems confident there! somehow!! yamato pick a lane on your beliefs ]
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I know... Sorry. It's just...
[He glances away, up, brows pinched.]
If it happened to me... and Iris, and Annie, and Hugo, I don't want it to happen to anyone else.
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[ considering yamato pitched a baby fit and made a mess, Riku is definitely allowed to get mad? Wow? it's yamato's turn to put his hand on riku's shoulder as well ]
... Yeah. We've been worried about that, too, and if the school spirit thing might be the start of something like that. [ ... ] On that field trip-- Taichi's memories were messed with, but my group just got a new set of them. Like a separate life we'd lived there. We still remembered this one, but it was... further. I think it must have meant something.
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For as much as he talks big and steady, a mildly fearful, wild feeling reaches out to grab and cling onto Yamato when the hand touches him. Something a tiny bit sad and a tiny bit hopeless.
He can't do this without Sora is what he keeps thinking over and over. He doesn't have Sora again. (He spent a year running from him!) He is going to have to do this without that bright beam radiating out of all the dark.]
It's trying to... grab on, or something. It's... rewriting us? That's how it felt... being Luke, but then remembering myself, and remembering being him too.
[His eyes lift. He frowns at Yamato.]
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... I don't know if it was exactly the same. Right now, those memories... I remember the whole thing, but that history they gave feels more like a movie I watched than something that happened to me personally now. [ which is a good thing, but there's something melancholic about the way he says it ]
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[His brows pinch again. He's trying to to fall right back into the bitter frustration so the both of them don't end up on a stupid feedback loop of same hat.]
...Those places remind me of Roxas.
DiZ gave Roxas a fake life to lead in the digital world. It worked for a while... but parts of Sora couldn't be separated from Roxas because they were pieces of each other, so Roxas remembered them. Then the Organization infiltrated the world to take him back, too.
Both things... ruined the story, ruined the illusion.
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... Taichi and I have talked about that. If this place is maybe set in a virtual reality of some kind, and that's why so much stuff can just be controlled or rewritten. But that still means despite everything, your real selves shone through, right? So it's not like they can fully dictate things for us.
[ whoever they...is ]
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It's...fine.]
I know. I don't know if it's virtual or not. All I know is it seems like there's a story this place is trying to force us to follow, but things... are wrong sometimes. Things don't... match?
The killings, the strange extra credit, the other places. Like the story isn't... [He struggles for the right words.] ...stable?
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but yamato nods along because-- yeah. ]
I thought so too, but the pages of script we found had some of those random murder or death scenarios. ... Well, I say script, but it's like some kind of demented adlib. It's-- there's comments on the original thing Taichi bought, like the pilot is too boring and they should find a way to make it stand out. I thought maybe that meant that stuff was the twist they thought about, but it doesn't explain ... anything else.
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