[ . . . . there's probably no helping that flash of anger when he talks about his injuries. the way that her eyes snap open and she looks to him, looking over his face, understanding slowly exactly where all the bloody managed to come from. looking at his injured side, a frown etching itself on her mouth as a cold rage settles over her expression.
right.
. . . .
he made it home.
that reminder, those words, manages to get her to breathe a slow, controlled breath out as she closes her eyes again. there is always something about her that acts out of spite, that will reach for cruel solutions rather than kind ones, but - it is tempered by her logic, by her attempt at restraint. ichiro is here, and he is home.
. . . . she presses her face against his shoulder for a moment. a reminder that he is here, next to her, even if she cannot be so bold as to reach for his hand or hold him close.]
.... I'm going to lose you eventually. [it's inevitable when they're all meant to go home. she knows that is when she will lose the attention of everyone here, even if she will hold their friendships close.] ... but until that day, please keep coming home. We're going to be waiting for you.
[ look, if she could go fight tanaka-san he would let it happen. tanaka-san deserves to be punched in the nose. alas, that is not the case.
ichiro watches her react to it with a similar twinge of empathy, if only because the way she tempers back feels familiar, too. a part of him is a little bit envious of the way she can pack it back in like that, because that's a skill ichiro's never really gotten to learn. his emotions have always been too loud, and his anger was always the loudest.
as she turns her face into his shoulder, he starts to set the controller down. he's not sure if he can reach out once he does, and his hand hesitates just briefly in midair, instead, but he listens to her words.
please keep coming home. with what he's now agreed to do... ]
... I will.
[ and then, he loops back around to the beginning, because that made something twinge in his chest, too. the idea of forgetting about the people who he became close to here, and just disappearing - it's so close to home.
(one day, everything was fine, and the next, kuko was furious, and hated him, and then - he was gone. sasara, too - they weren't as close, but he left out of thin air. nemu, gone missing. no closure. no goodbyes. nothing.) ]
...that paper that Dimitri and Caleb-san brought back said we'd be able to do what we talked about - move from world to world, see each other. [ he turns to face her a little further on the chaise now, too, controller abandoned. there's a sincerity to his words that's almost fierce, here. ] Do you think I'm just gonna forget about you? Iris, how could I?
[ . . . . . ? she peers up at him then, brow furrowing.]
... I don't think you'll forget. I think everyone here is too kind to forget.
[they'll reach out to each other, and they'll be friends. they'll probably talk for the rest of their lives. but - ]
But you have your brothers, and you have Ikebukuro. Perhaps, if someone wishes for it, or if we're able to win Dorm Wars, we'll see each other now and again but....
[she tilts her head]
We're going in different directions. Winter will exist as a concept, but we'll probably leave it all behind in practice. You won't be mine anymore.
[this possessiveness and intensity that she feels - she won't have any right to it anymore.]
That's... [ ... this time, that hand that hovers a little stops. he's the one to reach out, but it's gentle, and if her hand is close enough, he'll very gently cover it with his. the fierce sincerity in his voice remains. ]
- Different directions, or not, that kind of stuff doesn't just leave you.
[ it's something he believes so honestly - something he knows. he's glad she knows he wouldn't forget, at least, but to call somewhere home and then just to set it aside sounds impossible, especially when it's something so large as what this place has done to them. for ichiro to call something home isn't a small gesture, because his beloved ikebukuro is his love and his life, but isn't his heart big enough for two? he'll gather up every world he has to in his arms and hold them, to keep these important threads together, to look out for these people who have become his family, because to ichiro yamada, home and family are sometimes more than blood.
he gets the distinction. he does. he knows that maybe logically iris is just trying to prepare herself for what must feel inevitable, because - after this long, ichiro knows her.
... but god, he just wants to prove that perceived inevitability wrong. that's what he does. especially for something like this.
ichiro, always, is heartfelt, achingly, achingly sincere. ] ... I'm always gonna be yours.
[it's probably - a little comedic? she allows the touch of his hand on hers, she doesn't mind it. but then as he speaks, and he says those words to her - it feels a little like her heart stopping. the whole world pauses. her eyes widen and her breath gets caught in her throat. her heart lurches painfully in her chest and she thinks that the idea of having your heart skip a beat may sound romantic but oh god it's painful.
(which is so much of what iris thinks about love.)
she straightens up then, no longer leaning on him, and she leans back. her hand underneath his twitches like she wants to pull back there too but - she doesn't want to hurt him. she doesn't.
but her voice is soft, cautious and terrified -
(of what? what is she scared of? that he might be lying to her? or that he might be telling the truth? which feels more cruel, at this point?)]
... you shouldn't say things like that to someone like me.
[ ah - it happened, again. it's funny. he doesn't really mean to - ichiro just is sincere. there's nothing that's meant about it that's meant to be desperately romantic or anything of the like, because the love that he feels for other people is so massive that he can barely contain it. when she pulls back, though, he realizes. he feels her hand twitch.
is it even okay to say things like that? (is he making it worse?)
like this, his first instinct is to back off. like it had been when they talked at the beginning of the week. (you haven't hurt me, she said.) ichiro isn't smart enough to navigate these seas the way he should, maybe, or maybe he just doesn't know how to understand them. iris says things to him that are so similar, things like you matter so much to me, and he wants to return the favor, but can't find a way to do so that doesn't terrify her. how do you care for someone that's terrified of being cared for? how do you give something back to someone who's given you so, so much, when their first instinct is to run? beyond any romantic feelings, that is where he gets stuck.
there's a moment where it looks like ichiro wants to pull back, too. his expression shifts between a few emotions - worry, at first, concern for the waver of terror in her voice, then realization, then something vulnerable and unsure - and he opens his mouth and then closes it, fingers shifting a little too like he's going to let go.
... he doesn't, though.
there's a lot he could say here. things like i know what kind of person you are or i wish i could help you see the kind of person we all know you are.
... ]
... I don't say things I don't mean. [ he never has. a lover and a fighter, ichiro yamada. genuine to his core. it's why this place has caused him so much trouble. ] It's important to me. That's all.
[ if she's so terrified after that, though, he'll start to pull back a little. ]
[you're lying is the first accusation she wants to make.
but she holds her tongue, she bites it nearly to the point of bleeding, because no matter her trauma, she never wants to be cruel to the people who matter to her. she doesn't want to accuse ichiro of lying when he has mentioned time and time again he hates liars. similarly, she does not want to lie to him - she doesn't know what to say when her primary emotion is disbelief.
that can't be true. it won't be true. he will not always be hers, because he has other people to look after. and perhaps it would be one thing if she only had to share with his family, with his city - but ichiro is loving and deserving of love. he will belong to another, and she cannot be such a cruel person as to grow jealous or unhappy when that time comes.
words like this only lure her into a dream that she refuses to believe in.]
.... you're important to me. But I -
I'm a selfish person. I don't like to let go, or lose. And yet for all that you offer me, I don't how much I can give you in return. I... can't give myself away to anyone.
[he might be hers, but she doesn't know if she'll ever have the courage to promise that she's his in return]
.... I'll always care for you, and if there is ever anything in the world that I could grant you, I hope that you'll ask it of me.
But... I don't want you to tie yourself to someone who can't give you what you deserve.
well. maybe not so similarly. it's not an accusation, and he doesn't keep it quiet. ]
... I'm not tying myself to anything, and - I'm not asking you to give yourself away, either. You belong to you. [ which is a stupid sentence and he knows it is but that's okay. it's too late. we're already here. ] 's not about - feelings, or, anything like that, either. Past that, you matter to me, and I care about you, too. And if I can ever give you anything, it's yours - or, at least, I'm gonna try really hard to get it to you, too.
[ he's not particularly magical or special or amazing in that regard, so there are some things that are beyond out of his reach, but ichiro will still try. ] None of that has anything to do with anything except that I care about you. It doesn't have to be romantic, or anything. And... it's not a transaction, you know? I don't need anything in return - and like earlier...
[ with the little trick with the cocoa, one of the few things that happened today that cheered him back to his almost normal state, ] ... If you really want to give me something in return, then you just being happy, and taking care of yourself, no matter what you're doing - that's good enough for me.
[ because ultimately, feelings are messy, and complicated, and he knows iris is terrified of them. but his love's not just romantic. it's unconditional, vast, patient, kind, and maybe the best thing about him. ] I don't need you to be mine. I just want you to be happy. It's more than enough.
[ . . . . she was lectured, not too long before she got here. when she was terrified of her own people, scared of the backlash that she thought she rightly deserved at the time. but then there was someone who lectured her, who told her not to be so dense, and to realize that she was well-loved. that she works hard, and that it's alright for her to be loved in return. that there are things that she does that are worthwhile.
what ichiro says now feels a little bit like that. the way that her heart aches from the warmth of this scolding, and how he insists that it is simply because he cares about her - not tied to what she does, or who she is. it's scary, to think that there might be a loyalty that is not tied to hierarchy, that is not tied to deeds, or what she can provide. it's so much that it's nearly impossible for her to believe in it.
only nearly.
ichiro is real, and he is in front of her, and he is so certain that it sounds like it could be true.
her free hand wraps around herself, curls into the fabric of her sleeve, and her expression crumples just a bit into something bewildered, touched, and - so emotional that her eyes shine with tears that she's not even aware of. a few fall without her permission.]
... I don't - know what to say.
[she's touched. she's so happy. she's embarrassed. she's scared - but she feels so warm even more than that.]
[ oh god - he's kind of an idiot, sometimes, too, unfortunately. so when he sees tears he feels a little swoop of oh god oh no oh fuck and makes a fussy noise, starting to move like he's going to wipe them away? only his left hand is occupied and his right hand is still basically useless so he just sort of hangs there for a second. ]
Ah - oh, shit, I didn't mean to make you cry... [ smooth move nerd.
... he kind of laughs, a little, after though? almost helplessly, quietly, because he did recognize that she seemed touched among all of that, too, and because sometimes he also just gets all sorts of flustered around iris and does dumb shit like trying to wipe her face with a broken arm. it's funny, kind of, in the helpless, sweet way moments like this only really can be.
ichiro shakes his head, though, ducking in a little bit to finally pull his hand free for real to actually reach up and wipe a tear or two away with his thumb, if iris will let him. ] You don't have to say anything. 's okay, Iris. I just - want to make sure you know.
this feels... so silly. it's ridiculous, how after being so tightly wound in anger for so long, the first sound that escapes her afterward is a laugh. she laughs, weakly but sincerely, and doesn't fight it when he tries to wipe away her tears. she sniffs, a little embarrassed even as other tears fall from her eyes and she just tries to brush her bangs out of the way because she feels so embarrassed.]
... I'm happy, you know. [and she sounds sincere when she says it - but there's also something disbelieving in her tone.] I'm so happy... even when I don't think that I have any right to be.
I wish you'd treasure yourself more, Ichiro, or keep some of yourself so you don't give it away to everyone... I really - don't know what to do with your kindness, or what I've done to deserve it.
But... I'm crying because I don't know what I've done to deserve you. It's - one of the better reasons I've had to shed a few tears lately.
[to do so from joy and gratitude that fills her heart so much that it overflows from the eyes, rather than heartbreak]
[ nnnoooo stop he only has one hand to wipe your tears!!! aaaa
its good to hear her laugh, though - a smile breaks out past any of ichiro's worry, and he scooches a little closer so he can wipe her face more properly, still gently fussy, but it's impossible not to smile through it, at the silliness of it all.
and at the sincerity to iris's happiness. that tone of voice, her smile, that makes his heart do a backflip in his chest. it's so good to see her that happy, to see some of the tension from before start to loosen, and it just - it's like he said. ichiro just wanted to see her happy.
he huffs a little laugh, at first, too, still cleaning up the last stray tears, and just smiling at her. warm, gentle. happy, too, almost boyish. ichiro doesn't really know if he's worth "deserving" of anything, but... ]
... Iris, I could write you a list about all the stuff you've done for us and it would be longer than the JR. [ just saying. us in this case, especially - winter dorm, but all of the people here. the living, the dead.
with the last tear seemingly cleaned up for now, he pauses, and just leaves his hand resting against her cheek. ]
...but at least for me, all you've really had to do was be you, you know. [ the girl he's gotten to know. viola, at first, but iris - he likes iris so much better. he likes the way she smiles at him, he likes her sharpness, the way it seems like she'd crush her enemies under her heel, sure - but most of all, the thing he likes the most about iris is that she cares so, so deeply for her people, and the things that matter to her, and that, from viola to iris, has never, ever changed. ] I think you can feel however the hell you want to feel. Happy's a good place to start.
[ . . . she wonders if that's true. there's something in her expression that makes her brow furrow in disbelief again, but - she really doesn't want to do him the disservice of assuming his lying. not when his sincerity is so overwhelming.
so instead she just lets her cheek rest a little bit more into his touch, leaning into it just a bit, for just a moment.]
... you make me want to be so greedy sometimes.
[when she is a person who is embarrassed and flustered by attention, but at the same time craves it. when she wants to be loved, even when she knows for certain that she doesn't deserve to be.
. . . . ]
I think you get a side of me that is kinder, softer than what I deliver to the rest of the world. I wonder if you'll still say that it's fine if I'm me, or it's fine however I feel, if you know how cruel and vindictive I can feel at times....
But it's hard - when you make me feel so happy. Like I want to be a little better than I am.
[ for as much as his words earlier on caring for someone not always having to do with romance, the fact of the matter is that ichiro does in fact still have romantic feelings for iris, and seeing her look like this is making his heart flutter like crazy. he's played an otome or two in his life, too, okay? and phrases like you make me want to be so greedy are just unfair! but, it's not just that - it's that tentative little press into his touch, too. the tone of her voice, the words she's saying.
he huffs, quietly, and stays there. still, just looking her over for a moment, taking in the sight of the remains of that utterly bright joy. ]
... I dunno. I've done a lot of shit I'm not proud of, you know? And I've got a really, really short temper. I've lashed out at people I shouldn't have, and there are some things that make me lose it to the point that it has consequences.
...But you'll still tell me it's fine that I'm me, right? [ his smile lifts a little more, eyes crinkling up at the corners with it. warm. ] You're human, Iris, even if you literally got to be in an isekai. [ and that genuine humanity - and everything that comes with it, good and bad - is something ichiro loves about iris.
a brief pause.]
...y'know, you told me that first week that I needed to take care of myself. You - gave me an argument for it like a lawyer, actually, it was kind of impressive. [ a little laugh, there, as he glances briefly in the direction of his bandaged arm, where his knuckles are still a little scarred up. ] But I've been trying to find other ways to put my temper out, when I get that pissed off, because now I think about what you said every time.
It doesn't always work, but... you make me want to be better, too.
[iris, about ichiro's romantic feelings: you're not over those yet?
. . . . well, she's very much in denial even still, but she supposes she wouldn't be able to blame him. even though she wants to argue that even if she is human, she is also a villainess. and just as she said to him jokingly before, he's a poster boy protagonist. there is likely no happy ending written for either of them - and she is not intending on stealing his best end from him, whatever that may be, with whoever he likes.]
.... I wonder how difficult it must be to try to become better, when you are already one of the best.
[just as sincerely - because she told ichiro a few times already, how much she admires his kindness. he's the type of person that people are drawn to, whether they're aware of it or not. he has the kindness and overwhelming love for all people that iris could never hope to live up to, not when she's as spiteful and unforgiving as she is.]
sure, okay, but - in the true thematics of this game, isn't the point of an isekai to write your own story? it's not like he can read iris's mind, though, so it goes unaddressed, especially when she's calling him something so sweet and sincere.
ichiro ducks his head, a little embarrassed at that. ] Nahh, nah. Iris, please. [ he's not!! at all. he's just a person, ultimately, someone who's just trying to be better when he knows he's been worse. ichiro's been trying to work on himself for a long time, now, and he's still young - and he still has a long, long way to go.
a little joking on himself, this time: ] You should see me when that rat bastard from Yokohama's around, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't think I'm that great.
[ listen he is. aware of his worst quality and it is his rage. he thumbs her cheek one more time, just because his hand's still there, and because the continual admittance that he's a good person is both embarrassing and flattering and bad for the whole hey-i-still-have-a-huge-crush-on-you thing but that's fine. ]
ichiro's stomach twists up when she says that. i think you're great, no matter what, because, well. after his talk with manwol and the others, today, will he still be? his hands are officially going to be implicated. he's going to have to lie, if iris asks.
he hates that. he hates it so much. his expression flickers just a little, and he's the one to glance away from her. hopefully it looks a little more shy than it does guilty, as he takes in the rest of what she said, though his hand stays where it is, especially with the squeeze.]
...from what was in your memories, they probably deserved it. [ iris can come to chuuoku and get them fired any time. ] ... thank you, Iris. I - I really hope I don't do anything to change that.
[maybe they did but ichiro should really recognize that iris is a rather horrible and brutal person please,,,
. . . but she catches that. she catches it sharply, and her brow furrows for a moment. iris is not a fool, and she can't help but wonder what exactly might be going through ichiro's mind - but she also supposes it doesn't matter much to her.
she keeps his hand on her cheek and shifts just so that she can rise, just enough to press their foreheads together.]
Someone told me that this is a good luck charm once.
[a little forehead bump for good fortune. but more than that - ]
As long as your kindness guides you, you will never disappoint me.
[ ohhh this is so unfortunately intimate. the forehead bump is such a sweet gesture, and not one he's really had many times in his life, and there is in fact a brief moment where his heart does like three backflips when she comes that close, but he keeps it together.
his voice quiets to the intimate little space between them as she says so. as your kindness guides you.
...can he be kind, like this? he thinks of lux and dimitri's grim faces. he thinks about leo. he thinks --
... he doesn't know what he can do, really. but he can try to do it as himself, the person he's worked so hard to become, and maybe that's the best that ichiro can do.
he smiles at her, now, peering from underneath his lashes, at such a close distance. still a little puppylike, though maybe not nearly so bad as hours before. his cheeks are a little pink, and his eyes are soft, if still carrying that usual determination that seems to color his every action. ] ..if it's a good luck charm, then lemme give some good luck to you, too. Okay? Give and take.
[ not just one sided. he doesn't just want to take from iris, who has given so much.
besides. he might need a little good luck, anyway. ]
[that manages to make her smile easily - and she'll wait for him to be the one to pull away from the touch. she doesn't seem to mind it, when it's something like this.]
I have no reason to deny a little luck - may good fortune find us both, then.
[ . . . . ]
Don't forget what I said. You always need to come back home to me.
[ okay what if he just doesn't, then! we're gonna stay like this for a minute. maybe it's a little selfish, but he does well with affection, and his heart swells with it.
... always come back home, iris says. he closes his eyes. ]
...yeah. [ yeah. he came back before. he's come back again. he has to come back from this, too.
has to bring everybody back. has to plug up the bullet holes with bandaids, until they can find their way out of here. ] ...I'll do everything I can. I'll come back to you, no matter what.
[oh - well sure. she doesn't mind it. she'll stay for as long as he wants, so he can pull away when he's ready. she thinks it's nice to see his face a little more peaceful, after the expression he was wearing earlier.
. . . ]
I'll be waiting then.
[she'd said earlier that he has to come home, because all of winter is waiting for him, and she still think that's true.
but if he doesn't mind getting specific then neither does she.
anyway. after a little longer, he nods just a tiny bit, the motion only bare enough to be felt, and then pulls back a little further. they're still close, his hand still on her cheek, and this feels like it should be something -
but it's enough, the way it is. ]
...thank you. [ ichiro says, finally. he doesn't specify what for, but - well, at this rate, it'd be a long list. ]
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right.
. . . .
he made it home.
that reminder, those words, manages to get her to breathe a slow, controlled breath out as she closes her eyes again. there is always something about her that acts out of spite, that will reach for cruel solutions rather than kind ones, but - it is tempered by her logic, by her attempt at restraint. ichiro is here, and he is home.
. . . . she presses her face against his shoulder for a moment. a reminder that he is here, next to her, even if she cannot be so bold as to reach for his hand or hold him close.]
.... I'm going to lose you eventually. [it's inevitable when they're all meant to go home. she knows that is when she will lose the attention of everyone here, even if she will hold their friendships close.] ... but until that day, please keep coming home. We're going to be waiting for you.
[I need you to come home.]
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ichiro watches her react to it with a similar twinge of empathy, if only because the way she tempers back feels familiar, too. a part of him is a little bit envious of the way she can pack it back in like that, because that's a skill ichiro's never really gotten to learn. his emotions have always been too loud, and his anger was always the loudest.
as she turns her face into his shoulder, he starts to set the controller down. he's not sure if he can reach out once he does, and his hand hesitates just briefly in midair, instead, but he listens to her words.
please keep coming home. with what he's now agreed to do... ]
... I will.
[ and then, he loops back around to the beginning, because that made something twinge in his chest, too. the idea of forgetting about the people who he became close to here, and just disappearing - it's so close to home.
(one day, everything was fine, and the next, kuko was furious, and hated him, and then - he was gone. sasara, too - they weren't as close, but he left out of thin air. nemu, gone missing. no closure. no goodbyes. nothing.) ]
...that paper that Dimitri and Caleb-san brought back said we'd be able to do what we talked about - move from world to world, see each other. [ he turns to face her a little further on the chaise now, too, controller abandoned. there's a sincerity to his words that's almost fierce, here. ] Do you think I'm just gonna forget about you? Iris, how could I?
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... I don't think you'll forget. I think everyone here is too kind to forget.
[they'll reach out to each other, and they'll be friends. they'll probably talk for the rest of their lives. but - ]
But you have your brothers, and you have Ikebukuro. Perhaps, if someone wishes for it, or if we're able to win Dorm Wars, we'll see each other now and again but....
[she tilts her head]
We're going in different directions. Winter will exist as a concept, but we'll probably leave it all behind in practice. You won't be mine anymore.
[this possessiveness and intensity that she feels - she won't have any right to it anymore.]
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That's... [ ... this time, that hand that hovers a little stops. he's the one to reach out, but it's gentle, and if her hand is close enough, he'll very gently cover it with his. the fierce sincerity in his voice remains. ]
- Different directions, or not, that kind of stuff doesn't just leave you.
[ it's something he believes so honestly - something he knows. he's glad she knows he wouldn't forget, at least, but to call somewhere home and then just to set it aside sounds impossible, especially when it's something so large as what this place has done to them. for ichiro to call something home isn't a small gesture, because his beloved ikebukuro is his love and his life, but isn't his heart big enough for two? he'll gather up every world he has to in his arms and hold them, to keep these important threads together, to look out for these people who have become his family, because to ichiro yamada, home and family are sometimes more than blood.
he gets the distinction. he does. he knows that maybe logically iris is just trying to prepare herself for what must feel inevitable, because - after this long, ichiro knows her.
... but god, he just wants to prove that perceived inevitability wrong. that's what he does. especially for something like this.
ichiro, always, is heartfelt, achingly, achingly sincere. ] ... I'm always gonna be yours.
[ iykyk ]
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(which is so much of what iris thinks about love.)
she straightens up then, no longer leaning on him, and she leans back. her hand underneath his twitches like she wants to pull back there too but - she doesn't want to hurt him. she doesn't.
but her voice is soft, cautious and terrified -
(of what? what is she scared of? that he might be lying to her? or that he might be telling the truth? which feels more cruel, at this point?)]
... you shouldn't say things like that to someone like me.
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is it even okay to say things like that? (is he making it worse?)
like this, his first instinct is to back off. like it had been when they talked at the beginning of the week. (you haven't hurt me, she said.) ichiro isn't smart enough to navigate these seas the way he should, maybe, or maybe he just doesn't know how to understand them. iris says things to him that are so similar, things like you matter so much to me, and he wants to return the favor, but can't find a way to do so that doesn't terrify her. how do you care for someone that's terrified of being cared for? how do you give something back to someone who's given you so, so much, when their first instinct is to run? beyond any romantic feelings, that is where he gets stuck.
there's a moment where it looks like ichiro wants to pull back, too. his expression shifts between a few emotions - worry, at first, concern for the waver of terror in her voice, then realization, then something vulnerable and unsure - and he opens his mouth and then closes it, fingers shifting a little too like he's going to let go.
... he doesn't, though.
there's a lot he could say here. things like i know what kind of person you are or i wish i could help you see the kind of person we all know you are.
... ]
... I don't say things I don't mean. [ he never has. a lover and a fighter, ichiro yamada. genuine to his core. it's why this place has caused him so much trouble. ] It's important to me. That's all.
[ if she's so terrified after that, though, he'll start to pull back a little. ]
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but she holds her tongue, she bites it nearly to the point of bleeding, because no matter her trauma, she never wants to be cruel to the people who matter to her. she doesn't want to accuse ichiro of lying when he has mentioned time and time again he hates liars. similarly, she does not want to lie to him - she doesn't know what to say when her primary emotion is disbelief.
that can't be true. it won't be true. he will not always be hers, because he has other people to look after. and perhaps it would be one thing if she only had to share with his family, with his city - but ichiro is loving and deserving of love. he will belong to another, and she cannot be such a cruel person as to grow jealous or unhappy when that time comes.
words like this only lure her into a dream that she refuses to believe in.]
.... you're important to me. But I -
I'm a selfish person. I don't like to let go, or lose. And yet for all that you offer me, I don't how much I can give you in return. I... can't give myself away to anyone.
[he might be hers, but she doesn't know if she'll ever have the courage to promise that she's his in return]
.... I'll always care for you, and if there is ever anything in the world that I could grant you, I hope that you'll ask it of me.
But... I don't want you to tie yourself to someone who can't give you what you deserve.
[and she'll never be enough.]
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well. maybe not so similarly. it's not an accusation, and he doesn't keep it quiet. ]
... I'm not tying myself to anything, and - I'm not asking you to give yourself away, either. You belong to you. [ which is a stupid sentence and he knows it is but that's okay. it's too late. we're already here. ] 's not about - feelings, or, anything like that, either. Past that, you matter to me, and I care about you, too. And if I can ever give you anything, it's yours - or, at least, I'm gonna try really hard to get it to you, too.
[ he's not particularly magical or special or amazing in that regard, so there are some things that are beyond out of his reach, but ichiro will still try. ] None of that has anything to do with anything except that I care about you. It doesn't have to be romantic, or anything. And... it's not a transaction, you know? I don't need anything in return - and like earlier...
[ with the little trick with the cocoa, one of the few things that happened today that cheered him back to his almost normal state, ] ... If you really want to give me something in return, then you just being happy, and taking care of yourself, no matter what you're doing - that's good enough for me.
[ because ultimately, feelings are messy, and complicated, and he knows iris is terrified of them. but his love's not just romantic. it's unconditional, vast, patient, kind, and maybe the best thing about him. ] I don't need you to be mine. I just want you to be happy. It's more than enough.
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what ichiro says now feels a little bit like that. the way that her heart aches from the warmth of this scolding, and how he insists that it is simply because he cares about her - not tied to what she does, or who she is. it's scary, to think that there might be a loyalty that is not tied to hierarchy, that is not tied to deeds, or what she can provide. it's so much that it's nearly impossible for her to believe in it.
only nearly.
ichiro is real, and he is in front of her, and he is so certain that it sounds like it could be true.
her free hand wraps around herself, curls into the fabric of her sleeve, and her expression crumples just a bit into something bewildered, touched, and - so emotional that her eyes shine with tears that she's not even aware of. a few fall without her permission.]
... I don't - know what to say.
[she's touched. she's so happy. she's embarrassed. she's scared - but she feels so warm even more than that.]
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Ah - oh, shit, I didn't mean to make you cry... [ smooth move nerd.
... he kind of laughs, a little, after though? almost helplessly, quietly, because he did recognize that she seemed touched among all of that, too, and because sometimes he also just gets all sorts of flustered around iris and does dumb shit like trying to wipe her face with a broken arm. it's funny, kind of, in the helpless, sweet way moments like this only really can be.
ichiro shakes his head, though, ducking in a little bit to finally pull his hand free for real to actually reach up and wipe a tear or two away with his thumb, if iris will let him. ] You don't have to say anything. 's okay, Iris. I just - want to make sure you know.
[ no conditions. no transactions. none of that. ]
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this feels... so silly. it's ridiculous, how after being so tightly wound in anger for so long, the first sound that escapes her afterward is a laugh. she laughs, weakly but sincerely, and doesn't fight it when he tries to wipe away her tears. she sniffs, a little embarrassed even as other tears fall from her eyes and she just tries to brush her bangs out of the way because she feels so embarrassed.]
... I'm happy, you know. [and she sounds sincere when she says it - but there's also something disbelieving in her tone.] I'm so happy... even when I don't think that I have any right to be.
I wish you'd treasure yourself more, Ichiro, or keep some of yourself so you don't give it away to everyone... I really - don't know what to do with your kindness, or what I've done to deserve it.
But... I'm crying because I don't know what I've done to deserve you. It's - one of the better reasons I've had to shed a few tears lately.
[to do so from joy and gratitude that fills her heart so much that it overflows from the eyes, rather than heartbreak]
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its good to hear her laugh, though - a smile breaks out past any of ichiro's worry, and he scooches a little closer so he can wipe her face more properly, still gently fussy, but it's impossible not to smile through it, at the silliness of it all.
and at the sincerity to iris's happiness. that tone of voice, her smile, that makes his heart do a backflip in his chest. it's so good to see her that happy, to see some of the tension from before start to loosen, and it just - it's like he said. ichiro just wanted to see her happy.
he huffs a little laugh, at first, too, still cleaning up the last stray tears, and just smiling at her. warm, gentle. happy, too, almost boyish. ichiro doesn't really know if he's worth "deserving" of anything, but... ]
... Iris, I could write you a list about all the stuff you've done for us and it would be longer than the JR. [ just saying. us in this case, especially - winter dorm, but all of the people here. the living, the dead.
with the last tear seemingly cleaned up for now, he pauses, and just leaves his hand resting against her cheek. ]
...but at least for me, all you've really had to do was be you, you know. [ the girl he's gotten to know. viola, at first, but iris - he likes iris so much better. he likes the way she smiles at him, he likes her sharpness, the way it seems like she'd crush her enemies under her heel, sure - but most of all, the thing he likes the most about iris is that she cares so, so deeply for her people, and the things that matter to her, and that, from viola to iris, has never, ever changed. ] I think you can feel however the hell you want to feel. Happy's a good place to start.
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so instead she just lets her cheek rest a little bit more into his touch, leaning into it just a bit, for just a moment.]
... you make me want to be so greedy sometimes.
[when she is a person who is embarrassed and flustered by attention, but at the same time craves it. when she wants to be loved, even when she knows for certain that she doesn't deserve to be.
. . . . ]
I think you get a side of me that is kinder, softer than what I deliver to the rest of the world. I wonder if you'll still say that it's fine if I'm me, or it's fine however I feel, if you know how cruel and vindictive I can feel at times....
But it's hard - when you make me feel so happy. Like I want to be a little better than I am.
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he huffs, quietly, and stays there. still, just looking her over for a moment, taking in the sight of the remains of that utterly bright joy. ]
... I dunno. I've done a lot of shit I'm not proud of, you know? And I've got a really, really short temper. I've lashed out at people I shouldn't have, and there are some things that make me lose it to the point that it has consequences.
...But you'll still tell me it's fine that I'm me, right? [ his smile lifts a little more, eyes crinkling up at the corners with it. warm. ] You're human, Iris, even if you literally got to be in an isekai. [ and that genuine humanity - and everything that comes with it, good and bad - is something ichiro loves about iris.
a brief pause.]
...y'know, you told me that first week that I needed to take care of myself. You - gave me an argument for it like a lawyer, actually, it was kind of impressive. [ a little laugh, there, as he glances briefly in the direction of his bandaged arm, where his knuckles are still a little scarred up. ] But I've been trying to find other ways to put my temper out, when I get that pissed off, because now I think about what you said every time.
It doesn't always work, but... you make me want to be better, too.
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. . . . well, she's very much in denial even still, but she supposes she wouldn't be able to blame him. even though she wants to argue that even if she is human, she is also a villainess. and just as she said to him jokingly before, he's a poster boy protagonist. there is likely no happy ending written for either of them - and she is not intending on stealing his best end from him, whatever that may be, with whoever he likes.]
.... I wonder how difficult it must be to try to become better, when you are already one of the best.
[just as sincerely - because she told ichiro a few times already, how much she admires his kindness. he's the type of person that people are drawn to, whether they're aware of it or not. he has the kindness and overwhelming love for all people that iris could never hope to live up to, not when she's as spiteful and unforgiving as she is.]
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sure, okay, but - in the true thematics of this game, isn't the point of an isekai to write your own story? it's not like he can read iris's mind, though, so it goes unaddressed, especially when she's calling him something so sweet and sincere.
ichiro ducks his head, a little embarrassed at that. ] Nahh, nah. Iris, please. [ he's not!! at all. he's just a person, ultimately, someone who's just trying to be better when he knows he's been worse. ichiro's been trying to work on himself for a long time, now, and he's still young - and he still has a long, long way to go.
a little joking on himself, this time: ] You should see me when that rat bastard from Yokohama's around, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't think I'm that great.
[ listen he is. aware of his worst quality and it is his rage. he thumbs her cheek one more time, just because his hand's still there, and because the continual admittance that he's a good person is both embarrassing and flattering and bad for the whole hey-i-still-have-a-huge-crush-on-you thing but that's fine. ]
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[plainly. but she will let his thumb brush against her cheek, not flinching back or looking away. she meets his gaze with a little bit of a wry look.]
I think they would've preferred if I slapped them instead of removing them from their posts and costing them their salaries and reputations.
[she will bring her hand up to where ichiro's is resting on her face, and give his hand a little squeeze]
And so, since you're not as calculating or cruel as I am - I think you're great. No matter what.
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ichiro's stomach twists up when she says that. i think you're great, no matter what, because, well. after his talk with manwol and the others, today, will he still be? his hands are officially going to be implicated. he's going to have to lie, if iris asks.
he hates that. he hates it so much. his expression flickers just a little, and he's the one to glance away from her. hopefully it looks a little more shy than it does guilty, as he takes in the rest of what she said, though his hand stays where it is, especially with the squeeze.]
...from what was in your memories, they probably deserved it. [ iris can come to chuuoku and get them fired any time. ] ... thank you, Iris. I - I really hope I don't do anything to change that.
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. . . but she catches that. she catches it sharply, and her brow furrows for a moment. iris is not a fool, and she can't help but wonder what exactly might be going through ichiro's mind - but she also supposes it doesn't matter much to her.
she keeps his hand on her cheek and shifts just so that she can rise, just enough to press their foreheads together.]
Someone told me that this is a good luck charm once.
[a little forehead bump for good fortune. but more than that - ]
As long as your kindness guides you, you will never disappoint me.
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his voice quiets to the intimate little space between them as she says so. as your kindness guides you.
...can he be kind, like this? he thinks of lux and dimitri's grim faces. he thinks about leo. he thinks --
... he doesn't know what he can do, really. but he can try to do it as himself, the person he's worked so hard to become, and maybe that's the best that ichiro can do.
he smiles at her, now, peering from underneath his lashes, at such a close distance. still a little puppylike, though maybe not nearly so bad as hours before. his cheeks are a little pink, and his eyes are soft, if still carrying that usual determination that seems to color his every action. ] ..if it's a good luck charm, then lemme give some good luck to you, too. Okay? Give and take.
[ not just one sided. he doesn't just want to take from iris, who has given so much.
besides. he might need a little good luck, anyway. ]
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I have no reason to deny a little luck - may good fortune find us both, then.
[ . . . . ]
Don't forget what I said. You always need to come back home to me.
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... always come back home, iris says. he closes his eyes. ]
...yeah. [ yeah. he came back before. he's come back again. he has to come back from this, too.
has to bring everybody back. has to plug up the bullet holes with bandaids, until they can find their way out of here. ] ...I'll do everything I can. I'll come back to you, no matter what.
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. . . ]
I'll be waiting then.
[she'd said earlier that he has to come home, because all of winter is waiting for him, and she still think that's true.
but if he doesn't mind getting specific then neither does she.
she needs him to come home.]
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[ haha not
anyway. after a little longer, he nods just a tiny bit, the motion only bare enough to be felt, and then pulls back a little further. they're still close, his hand still on her cheek, and this feels like it should be something -
but it's enough, the way it is. ]
...thank you. [ ichiro says, finally. he doesn't specify what for, but - well, at this rate, it'd be a long list. ]