[ he makes a noise - choked off, miserable, frozen where he stands, and doesn't move, and just says what he's thinking, which is - ]
Iris, what do you want me to do.
[ i'm begging you.
because it's not convincing. at all. he's not convinced for a fucking second, and if he leaves, he's the scum of the fucking earth, but does she want him to leave? does she want him to stay? does she want him to say something or fight for it or --
[she opens her mouth to say it doesn't hurt but it does. it so obviously does and she can't lie to him. she can let him go, and she can let him try to leave, but she can't lie. ichiro doesn't like liars. maybe I should lie so he hates me more? but that thought gets discarded. no, I can't. because he is still precious to her and she will never do a disservice to those precious to her
so she speaks - and there's no room for thoughts, because they all leave her mouth in a rush even as her expression breaks a little.]
.... I don't want you to be mad at yourself. You can be mad at me. But why would I let you be mad at yourself when you haven't done anything wrong? You can lose your temper, and you can yell at me, and I'm not scared. But you get mad at yourself when you experience anything bad and -
That's not right. You only do good.
I've tried to tell you that I have nothing to give - I never have. I'm not good at this. I like you, but I can't promise anything because this is a ridiculous place, and things got so complicated.
I want you to be happy, but all I do is make things worse. So I wish you would go, and ignore me.
I'll be okay. I'm not blind to how fortunate I am. But I don't want to hurt anyone either. I don't want to hurt you.
he just sounds miserable, now, deflated as he looks down, good hand clenched tightly at his side. ]
...You know, one time, I lost my temper in front of my brothers and I beat the hell out of the director of our orphanage. I had a good reason, but I couldn't explain it to them, and they watched me do it. They both hated me after that. It took years for it to get better. I'll never forget the way they looked at me.
And then, more recently, I was so focused on getting revenge on someone I hated in the last division battle that I let the two of them get hurt. I let my anger blind me to reality. I do it all the fucking time. I hurt people I care about because I'm careless.
... I'm not someone to put on a pedestal. I don't only do good. I get mad at myself because I've been trying to get better, and I fall into the same stupid, predictable shit that I always fall into.
[ he lifts his hand, like a "stop" - he won't let iris interrupt, because he knows she probably wants to. continuing. ]
... On the other side, you don't only do bad, but you think you do. You just think you hurt me all the time. You don't. You've helped me more times than I can count. You've helped everyone here, more times than I can count. So, you feel like you're being selfish, so you think if you push me off and only you get hurt, that that'll make it okay? The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. Don't you get that? We want the same thing for each other. We always do.
[ take care of yourself. the same mantra that's gone between them so many times, now. let me take care of you. at what cost? ]
I don't think you're all bad. You don't think I'm all bad.
[ we're just human beings. ]
...I want you to be happy. And me walking away from you because you think you deserve to suffer more is bullshit. I'm not gonna lie to you, this fucking hurts - mostly cause you keep shutting me out and trying to hide it and handle it on your own, and you already convinced yourself that I'm sick of you, or I regret things, or something before I even get the chance to say otherwise.
I don't care about if you like me. You're my friend, before anything else. I'm trying to get over it, I just - I can't just do it overnight. So, if I have to step back, I can step back, but if I just ignore you, then what the fuck is that going to do for either of us? It's just going to make us both fucking miserable. I don't want you to promise me anything.
I can't tell how to help you, and that fucks me up. Cause - even if you say me leaving is gonna fix it, that's not true.
[ there's just that static, mental flash there of thoughts. of flashback - of being on the ground, hand wrapped around someone's ankle, looking up and feeling the whole world fall crashing around his shoulders.
[he's right that she wants to argue - there's the flash of a that's not— in her thoughts before she bites it back. before she listens, really listens again, going quiet even as she tries (and fails) to sneakily brush away the brief tears at the corner of her eyes. and it's - it's hard. it's so hard for her to listen to, because she knows she's being unfair. she knows she's ridiculous, and she's prone to hurting people. that's why she tried to stop this before and then -
and then so clearly, that didn't work.
what can we do, when all we do is hurt each other when it's what we want the least?
when ichiro tries to take care of her - and oh, he succeeds. he makes her forget what's so scary for minutes a time, but it just means that she ends up even more terrified because it could be real. because she wants to trust him, and she hates herself for it. when it means that when this is over, when he inevitably walks away, she is just going to miss him all the more.
when iris tries to take care of him and - god, she prays that she succeeds. when he says that she's managed to help him, when she tries so hard to pull him back from every brink, when she tries to get him to accept his own temper. but it's a terrible thing to fall for her, even when objectively she makes it all too easy. when she is someone who is so resistant to being taken care of, when that is what ichiro wants to do most.]
... I don't know how to let anyone help me. Before I was Iris, I - I never had friends. All my relationships fell apart. Everyone left me alone, because all I knew how to do is work. And now that I'm Iris - I can't ask for help. I'm Iris Lana Armelia and everyone is ready to end the villainess. No one can save me - only I can save me. No matter how hard it is, or how difficult everything is—
Everyone always leaves when I do something wrong. And they - that should be fair, shouldn't it? They shouldn't be expected to deal with someone who has nothing to offer them. [all the good I do is what I have to offer people - isn't it?] So I... I'd understand if you left.
[her thoughts jump the gun, they blare her truth ad nauseam: but I don't want you to I don't want you to I don't want you to go I'm so scared to be alone]
But I— [a shaky breath, and this is something she has to say herself or she will never be able to take a step forward] I don't want to be alone anymore. [and it's a little bit like a damn breaking, like her heart finally at her limit. her shoulders shake with emotion, and her composure breaks, tears falling despite her attempts to clear them earlier.] It's so hard. I want to cry every time someone shows me kindness, because I'm worried it'll disappear. I don't know what to do when I want to be with people but I'm so scared they'll leave. I want to have a home, I want to have a family, but everything feels so impossible, like once I make a mistake it's all over, and I'll lose everything again.
I wish I knew how to build a happiness that lasts, and I wish I knew how to reach out - but how can I? How can I when caring about me is so hard? How can I ask you to stay when I know how hard that is?
he listens, now. ichiro's good at listening - he always has been, and he takes in all the things that she's saying without complaint or argument, brows knitting together, silent for a long moment.
and when he takes a breath to speak again, he does what he's always done. ichiro relies on his words and lets them carry him forward. ]
... The struggle's worth it. [ is what he decides. he thinks, in a way that flashes sort of in and out of his thoughts - of his brothers, of home. of how much they hated him. about what it took to get them back. ] To me, at least. I'm not afraid of it. I'd rather face it head on and try to fix it than drop everything and run.
[ because that's just who ichiro is. never blocking. a bleeder. ] You gotta want to fight for it, and if you're afraid to fuck it up, then you're never gonna fight for it enough to make it stay.
[ because he fucks up a lot, right? he's not even close to perfect - even if iris made it sound like it, he's not. the words come out steady and even, despite all the pain from this conversation. it's coming from a place of directness and honesty, because that's what he knows best, so maybe it isn't that gentle, but maybe that's what she needs. ] And if people don't stay with you when you fuck up, then they're not worth it.
[ .... ]
I was gonna leave - this, right now, because I fucked up with you, and I've got -- I needed to not lose my head. That doesn't mean I was going to leave forever. You have to be willing to put some faith in other people, if you don't want to be alone.
[ can i ask you to put a little faith in me? ]
[ iris talking about people leaving her was something ichiro understood intimately, because people left him, too. twice - three times, really - in ways that scarred him for life. but the two people who he relies on and depends on at home were always worth fighting for, and he had to learn how to put faith in them that they'd be strong. beau told him similar, here - that ichiro didn't have to take on everything alone. ]
Building happiness from the ground up is hard. [ because he knows she's built happiness into her fief. he knows she's built it here, too - in winter. at home. ] ...building it up as a person is hard as shit, too. I should know. I'm not who I used to be, and every single step goddamn step I took to get here was uphill. Sometimes I still fuck it up and fall back on my ass.
[ this place has been crushing him - it's been pretty blatantly clear - but he's struggling to his feet for those people he cares about. ] But you can't build anything if you're just gonna shy away from it because you're afraid of being hurt again. I know you got hurt bad. So did I, Iris. I'm still not over it.
[ i'm still not big enough to forgive what he did and i never will be. ]
That still hasn't stopped me from loving people anyway. You don't have to throw yourself straight in the deep end, but if someone offers you their hand, you gotta take the risk. You don't have to put your entire faith into us - give us a piece, if you can. That's a start.
[ . . . . she doesn't know what to do with this. it feels so stupid, to her, to be crying over this. to be shedding tears in front of someone else. but she doesn't know what she can do anymore. she's lost so much over the past few weeks, people who are so far away now, and it felt like she was so terribly close to losing ichiro too. after everything he'd said, after every kind word that now feels like something that she's afraid to look at for fear of it being wrong or tainted.
have a little faith? in him?
she would start fights over everyone in winter, and she would do everything she can to win them. that's easy. being protective of everyone in her care? that's easy. she fights every single day to try to keep her head above water but - the idea of fighting for something that she gets to keep—
she doesn't know what to do with it.
it's pathetic, she thinks, when she curls in on herself, as if trying to hide. trying to catch her own tears, embarrassed and ashamed.]
... I'm trying. I know - it's not very good.
[because she's used to loving freely when it comes to everyone else. she loves winters, she loves all the students, she loves her fief and her family - it's so easy to give love away. that's not what she has trouble with in the slightest.
it's terrifying to place hope in someone else.]
But I'm trying.
[but if she's still being lectured on it, maybe she'll just never be good enough.]
[ a part of him wants to comfort her, but he's - he doesn't even know if it will help, and he doesn't know who's watching. he doesn't want to make that any worse, either.
but he says, softening a little, now. ] ... trying counts.
[ it counts to him, at least.
i know you're trying. i've seen it. he thinks, without really meaning to. he's watched her relax in increments. he thought, maybe, maybe -
...
...but ultimately, there's nothing he can do besides try and stay. he knows iris gives love away, because that was why he fell for her, in the first place. but the decision to be willing to take it - he can't force that. that's all iris. ]
...I'm not going anywhere. I promised you that. [ and he doesn't break his promises. imagine i get a murder dm in like five minutes ] ...and I'm trying to get over it. So I'll give you all the time you need to try, but you gotta give me some, too. I need - if that's it, I just need you to believe that I haven't been lying to you, that I care. I just need you to try.
[ i always care. that's always been his greatest strength - and his biggest weakness. ] Okay?
[ . . . . does it? there's a bit of doubt that she can't quite let go of. because for iris, it's always been a combination of intentions and results. you need both. good intentions take you nowhere, and just trying - how can that be enough?
. . . but her tears stop, even if only because she can't handle the idea of crying in front of someone anymore. it feels so shameful, so silly, when he won't reach out to her but - she supposes that's what they need to do now. if he doesn't want to reach for her, then she'll stop expecting it.]
I can try but I - I have one question.
[and it's something she needs because she's leaving it up to him to decide - because he'd thought something earlier, and it stung so badly to know that she'd done something wrong. she needs to know if he meant it.]
... do you still want me to let you go?
[in whatever way he means. if he wants her to let him leave now, or if he wants her to try to kill whatever feelings she has too. if he needs space, and wants her to pull back. if maybe that line drawn in the sand from weeks ago needs to finally mean something instead of just be something they said.]
[ she'll probably hear his mental ?? at that at first, because he has no idea what she means, and has to sort through the possible definitions before he picks one. ]
...Like, leave here? I - yeah. I probably need - I need to go cool off. [ not literally. he's still really jittery, still pretty clearly trying to fight back a lot of emotion. I'm gonna go back to the dorm. I need to some time to think.
[ i want to go talk to beau. is what gets projected because sometimes your emotional support big sister is real? also deeply considering going to get polymorphed into a dog for like six hours. that sounds nice.
anyway. ]
....but... [ and, really, he needs some time to think on this, too. he chews on his lip, for a moment. ] ... I want you to do what's going to be the best for you. I know that's probably not the answer you wanna hear, but - it's not right of me to give you one, I don't think. Especially not right now.
[ a small smile. ] I think maybe gimme a little time to think over that, too - at least on my end.
[ . . . . she's relieved that she has support. she's probably going to jump into this pool as soon as he's gone and try to drown. mostly kidding.
. . . . as for his own time that he needs to take for that answer - ]
Take all the time you need.
[even longer than the next few weeks is fine with her really? she was probably going to just try to leave the game and emotionally ghost until he got a girlfriend? that was originally her plan, and now she's pretty much just going to continue vibe in that type of plan. it's easy to have faith until you're no longer seeing that person.
it's hard - to feel like she doesn't just cause more problems for him. but she'll try to give him space.]
... I'll see you later. Sorry about the mess today.
[ and that is very genuine. even if it was messy. even if it was exhausting. even if he would like to just go lay on the couch face first for a few hours and then maybe become a dog. thankfully none of iris's game plan gets projected over here, which is good, because his head feels like its swimming with a thousand different thoughts all at once and it does not need any more.
he gives her a little bit of a smile, adjusts his sling a bit, and goes to head back to the dorm. ] See ya later.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Iris, what do you want me to do.
[ i'm begging you.
because it's not convincing. at all. he's not convinced for a fucking second, and if he leaves, he's the scum of the fucking earth, but does she want him to leave? does she want him to stay? does she want him to say something or fight for it or --
how can I stop hurting you? ]
no subject
so she speaks - and there's no room for thoughts, because they all leave her mouth in a rush even as her expression breaks a little.]
.... I don't want you to be mad at yourself. You can be mad at me. But why would I let you be mad at yourself when you haven't done anything wrong? You can lose your temper, and you can yell at me, and I'm not scared. But you get mad at yourself when you experience anything bad and -
That's not right. You only do good.
I've tried to tell you that I have nothing to give - I never have. I'm not good at this. I like you, but I can't promise anything because this is a ridiculous place, and things got so complicated.
I want you to be happy, but all I do is make things worse. So I wish you would go, and ignore me.
I'll be okay. I'm not blind to how fortunate I am. But I don't want to hurt anyone either. I don't want to hurt you.
no subject
[ ... because that's obvious.
he just sounds miserable, now, deflated as he looks down, good hand clenched tightly at his side. ]
...You know, one time, I lost my temper in front of my brothers and I beat the hell out of the director of our orphanage. I had a good reason, but I couldn't explain it to them, and they watched me do it. They both hated me after that. It took years for it to get better. I'll never forget the way they looked at me.
And then, more recently, I was so focused on getting revenge on someone I hated in the last division battle that I let the two of them get hurt. I let my anger blind me to reality. I do it all the fucking time. I hurt people I care about because I'm careless.
... I'm not someone to put on a pedestal. I don't only do good. I get mad at myself because I've been trying to get better, and I fall into the same stupid, predictable shit that I always fall into.
[ he lifts his hand, like a "stop" - he won't let iris interrupt, because he knows she probably wants to. continuing. ]
... On the other side, you don't only do bad, but you think you do. You just think you hurt me all the time. You don't. You've helped me more times than I can count. You've helped everyone here, more times than I can count. So, you feel like you're being selfish, so you think if you push me off and only you get hurt, that that'll make it okay? The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. Don't you get that? We want the same thing for each other. We always do.
[ take care of yourself. the same mantra that's gone between them so many times, now. let me take care of you. at what cost? ]
I don't think you're all bad. You don't think I'm all bad.
[ we're just human beings. ]
...I want you to be happy. And me walking away from you because you think you deserve to suffer more is bullshit. I'm not gonna lie to you, this fucking hurts - mostly cause you keep shutting me out and trying to hide it and handle it on your own, and you already convinced yourself that I'm sick of you, or I regret things, or something before I even get the chance to say otherwise.
I don't care about if you like me. You're my friend, before anything else. I'm trying to get over it, I just - I can't just do it overnight. So, if I have to step back, I can step back, but if I just ignore you, then what the fuck is that going to do for either of us? It's just going to make us both fucking miserable. I don't want you to promise me anything.
I can't tell how to help you, and that fucks me up. Cause - even if you say me leaving is gonna fix it, that's not true.
[ there's just that static, mental flash there of thoughts. of flashback - of being on the ground, hand wrapped around someone's ankle, looking up and feeling the whole world fall crashing around his shoulders.
... ]
I know what it feels like when people leave.
no subject
and then so clearly, that didn't work.
what can we do, when all we do is hurt each other when it's what we want the least?
when ichiro tries to take care of her - and oh, he succeeds. he makes her forget what's so scary for minutes a time, but it just means that she ends up even more terrified because it could be real. because she wants to trust him, and she hates herself for it. when it means that when this is over, when he inevitably walks away, she is just going to miss him all the more.
when iris tries to take care of him and - god, she prays that she succeeds. when he says that she's managed to help him, when she tries so hard to pull him back from every brink, when she tries to get him to accept his own temper. but it's a terrible thing to fall for her, even when objectively she makes it all too easy. when she is someone who is so resistant to being taken care of, when that is what ichiro wants to do most.]
... I don't know how to let anyone help me. Before I was Iris, I - I never had friends. All my relationships fell apart. Everyone left me alone, because all I knew how to do is work. And now that I'm Iris - I can't ask for help. I'm Iris Lana Armelia and everyone is ready to end the villainess. No one can save me - only I can save me. No matter how hard it is, or how difficult everything is—
Everyone always leaves when I do something wrong. And they - that should be fair, shouldn't it? They shouldn't be expected to deal with someone who has nothing to offer them. [all the good I do is what I have to offer people - isn't it?] So I... I'd understand if you left.
[her thoughts jump the gun, they blare her truth ad nauseam: but I don't want you to I don't want you to I don't want you to go I'm so scared to be alone]
But I— [a shaky breath, and this is something she has to say herself or she will never be able to take a step forward] I don't want to be alone anymore. [and it's a little bit like a damn breaking, like her heart finally at her limit. her shoulders shake with emotion, and her composure breaks, tears falling despite her attempts to clear them earlier.] It's so hard. I want to cry every time someone shows me kindness, because I'm worried it'll disappear. I don't know what to do when I want to be with people but I'm so scared they'll leave. I want to have a home, I want to have a family, but everything feels so impossible, like once I make a mistake it's all over, and I'll lose everything again.
I wish I knew how to build a happiness that lasts, and I wish I knew how to reach out - but how can I? How can I when caring about me is so hard? How can I ask you to stay when I know how hard that is?
no subject
he listens, now. ichiro's good at listening - he always has been, and he takes in all the things that she's saying without complaint or argument, brows knitting together, silent for a long moment.
and when he takes a breath to speak again, he does what he's always done. ichiro relies on his words and lets them carry him forward. ]
... The struggle's worth it. [ is what he decides. he thinks, in a way that flashes sort of in and out of his thoughts - of his brothers, of home. of how much they hated him. about what it took to get them back. ] To me, at least. I'm not afraid of it. I'd rather face it head on and try to fix it than drop everything and run.
[ because that's just who ichiro is. never blocking. a bleeder. ] You gotta want to fight for it, and if you're afraid to fuck it up, then you're never gonna fight for it enough to make it stay.
[ because he fucks up a lot, right? he's not even close to perfect - even if iris made it sound like it, he's not. the words come out steady and even, despite all the pain from this conversation. it's coming from a place of directness and honesty, because that's what he knows best, so maybe it isn't that gentle, but maybe that's what she needs. ] And if people don't stay with you when you fuck up, then they're not worth it.
[ .... ]
I was gonna leave - this, right now, because I fucked up with you, and I've got -- I needed to not lose my head. That doesn't mean I was going to leave forever. You have to be willing to put some faith in other people, if you don't want to be alone.
[ can i ask you to put a little faith in me? ]
[ iris talking about people leaving her was something ichiro understood intimately, because people left him, too. twice - three times, really - in ways that scarred him for life. but the two people who he relies on and depends on at home were always worth fighting for, and he had to learn how to put faith in them that they'd be strong. beau told him similar, here - that ichiro didn't have to take on everything alone. ]
Building happiness from the ground up is hard. [ because he knows she's built happiness into her fief. he knows she's built it here, too - in winter. at home. ] ...building it up as a person is hard as shit, too. I should know. I'm not who I used to be, and every single step goddamn step I took to get here was uphill. Sometimes I still fuck it up and fall back on my ass.
[ this place has been crushing him - it's been pretty blatantly clear - but he's struggling to his feet for those people he cares about. ] But you can't build anything if you're just gonna shy away from it because you're afraid of being hurt again. I know you got hurt bad. So did I, Iris. I'm still not over it.
[ i'm still not big enough to forgive what he did and i never will be. ]
That still hasn't stopped me from loving people anyway. You don't have to throw yourself straight in the deep end, but if someone offers you their hand, you gotta take the risk. You don't have to put your entire faith into us - give us a piece, if you can. That's a start.
no subject
have a little faith? in him?
she would start fights over everyone in winter, and she would do everything she can to win them. that's easy. being protective of everyone in her care? that's easy. she fights every single day to try to keep her head above water but - the idea of fighting for something that she gets to keep—
she doesn't know what to do with it.
it's pathetic, she thinks, when she curls in on herself, as if trying to hide. trying to catch her own tears, embarrassed and ashamed.]
... I'm trying. I know - it's not very good.
[because she's used to loving freely when it comes to everyone else. she loves winters, she loves all the students, she loves her fief and her family - it's so easy to give love away. that's not what she has trouble with in the slightest.
it's terrifying to place hope in someone else.]
But I'm trying.
[but if she's still being lectured on it, maybe she'll just never be good enough.]
no subject
but he says, softening a little, now. ] ... trying counts.
[ it counts to him, at least.
i know you're trying. i've seen it. he thinks, without really meaning to. he's watched her relax in increments. he thought, maybe, maybe -
...
...but ultimately, there's nothing he can do besides try and stay. he knows iris gives love away, because that was why he fell for her, in the first place. but the decision to be willing to take it - he can't force that. that's all iris. ]
...I'm not going anywhere. I promised you that. [ and he doesn't break his promises. imagine i get a murder dm in like five minutes ] ...and I'm trying to get over it. So I'll give you all the time you need to try, but you gotta give me some, too. I need - if that's it, I just need you to believe that I haven't been lying to you, that I care. I just need you to try.
[ i always care. that's always been his greatest strength - and his biggest weakness. ] Okay?
no subject
. . . but her tears stop, even if only because she can't handle the idea of crying in front of someone anymore. it feels so shameful, so silly, when he won't reach out to her but - she supposes that's what they need to do now. if he doesn't want to reach for her, then she'll stop expecting it.]
I can try but I - I have one question.
[and it's something she needs because she's leaving it up to him to decide - because he'd thought something earlier, and it stung so badly to know that she'd done something wrong. she needs to know if he meant it.]
... do you still want me to let you go?
[in whatever way he means. if he wants her to let him leave now, or if he wants her to try to kill whatever feelings she has too. if he needs space, and wants her to pull back. if maybe that line drawn in the sand from weeks ago needs to finally mean something instead of just be something they said.]
no subject
...Like, leave here? I - yeah. I probably need - I need to go cool off. [ not literally. he's still really jittery, still pretty clearly trying to fight back a lot of emotion. I'm gonna go back to the dorm. I need to some time to think.
[ i want to go talk to beau. is what gets projected because sometimes your emotional support big sister is real? also deeply considering going to get polymorphed into a dog for like six hours. that sounds nice.
anyway. ]
....but... [ and, really, he needs some time to think on this, too. he chews on his lip, for a moment. ] ... I want you to do what's going to be the best for you. I know that's probably not the answer you wanna hear, but - it's not right of me to give you one, I don't think. Especially not right now.
[ a small smile. ] I think maybe gimme a little time to think over that, too - at least on my end.
no subject
. . . . as for his own time that he needs to take for that answer - ]
Take all the time you need.
[even longer than the next few weeks is fine with her really? she was probably going to just try to leave the game and emotionally ghost until he got a girlfriend? that was originally her plan, and now she's pretty much just going to continue vibe in that type of plan. it's easy to have faith until you're no longer seeing that person.
it's hard - to feel like she doesn't just cause more problems for him. but she'll try to give him space.]
... I'll see you later. Sorry about the mess today.
no subject
[ and that is very genuine. even if it was messy. even if it was exhausting. even if he would like to just go lay on the couch face first for a few hours and then maybe become a dog. thankfully none of iris's game plan gets projected over here, which is good, because his head feels like its swimming with a thousand different thoughts all at once and it does not need any more.
he gives her a little bit of a smile, adjusts his sling a bit, and goes to head back to the dorm. ] See ya later.