[ . . . . that manages to get her to laugh softly then, a bit amused. right. they should circle back to all of that, shouldn't they? it was very pushed off to the side given how tumultuous the weekend already was but - it was also nice to just be able to be comfortable around each other again. it was like a reset, and reassuring to know that no matter their oddities, they would still be able to find each a rhythm with each other again.
the people who are meant to be in your life will always find a way back.]
.... I'm a terribly frustrating person. I know that you saw me when I was - very close to my worst, I imagine, and endured some of my most horrific tendencies. [to be pushed and pulled away, to suffer the mixed signals of someone who loves so much but is terrified to be loved in return because it means believing in someone else] ... but it's funny. Mandricardo and Mollymauk both helped pull me out too but -
I think I needed a push. A severe one. I needed to be scolded, else I continue my bad habits. Even now I think I'm... not sure how to quite have faith because it still sounds like nonsense sometimes but... I was told that maybe it's alright, and that maybe day by day I can think that it might be worthwhile to believe in a little nonsense.
So it took a group effort, and a bit of cracking at the edges but - you did save me, you know. I've been trying to tell you that you have, this entire time.
[that even when he's struggled, fumbled, felt things slip through his grasp - he never needed to be anyone besides himself, with her. that he's managed to save even just one person, and even if she lashed out at first, self-detonating—
[ he huffs, a little bit, at that - ducking his head. it was a group effort, like she said. ] Nahh. I mean, I just - 'm just glad I didn't scare you off.
...I kinda decided it didn't matter, that you made me that mad on purpose. Shit here got so much worse, it felt small. [ ichiro will admit that, after a moment. it was pretty obvious, but, it feels important to say. the mention of molly also makes him laugh - mostly because he is completely aware of how ridiculously wise that purple man is and how much advice he's given out since returning from personal experience. thank you molly.
however, demurring the big compliment aside, he will eventually acquiesce: ] So...I'm glad I could help you. You've done a lot of that for me, too - you've gotten me through a lot, here.
[ in some of his worst moments, iris has been there for him. through a mental breakdown of massive proportions, through loss, through the misery of being homesick and lonely - she'd always been there to catch him. and sure, there'd been a mess in the middle there, but he'd weathered through it, and tried so hard to return the favor for her.
despite everything, they both did. they made it through. ] Kinda believed in me when I didn't, you know? Means a lot.
[there's the slightest huff at that, her own stubbornness - ] .... you never get mad at me even when I deserve it. So I'm not going to apologize for telling you to yell at me... I always get so worried about how much you keep to yourself, you know? Even if I know you must've been holding back on purpose...
[but she just pouts. she imagines it won't happen again - but also iris has no trouble pouring gasoline on the fire when she thinks it serves a purpose. and actually learning every issue ichiro has ever had with her? that's important too.] I don't want to be the only one who gets a little ugly.
[and maybe that's selfish of her - but it's what ichiro says. you want to know a whole of a person, rather than shying away.]
... but I'll always believe in you. Even when things get a bit sour, or when either of us slip up and do something clumsy, or rowdy. My care for you is unconditional too, you know?
[that's just how it is, when you've decided that someone is a part of your heart.]
[ there's a little bit of a smile, to that, wan. ] ... I was, yeah. There's - I've hurt people I really care about cause I got too mad, too quick. I don't like doing that.
[ just like earlier, today. I don't want you to know that part of me. it came out, though, and it didn't leave them completely worse for wear, so there's that. it's not going to make him loosen up on it that much, but he has a better understanding of who iris is now, and all the parts of her. pretty, ugly, whatever - he's learned, for the most part, how she ticks. ]
Mm. [ the second noise is agreeing, because he feels the same. unconditional.
there's a lapse in conversation, after that - his pause is thoughtful, and ichiro turns the coke bottle in his palm for a moment, mulling something over before he speaks again. ]
.. I thought a little bit about what you asked me about when we were arguing. [ do you want me to let you go?, anyway. one of the last things they talked about. ] And I dunno if I've got a full answer - but I think I've got one for today.
's maybe kinda selfish - but, it's the last night we're here, anyway. Fuck it.
I don't want you to let me go. [ ichiro turns his head to look at her again, now, instead of at the rim of his cup - quietly confident in it. fuck it; they're putting out these little truths, even if they're not perfect. even if it is a little selfish. the words he says come with the decisiveness that has led him through most of his life, and it reflects in his eyes, stop and go. ] I don't really wanna let go, either.
[ . . . . it takes her a second to figure out her emotions afterward, and she fusses briefly with her bangs as she closes her eyes and tries to think of an answer.]
... while I don't want to seem dense...
Could you - speak clearly? Could you tell me exactly what you mean, and what you want from me?
[it probably feels a little bit like setting up a contract -
but she feels like she needs it. some stable understanding of what he's talking to her about. is this what she thinks it is? or is it just some other discussion about their relationship, and the bond between them?]
[ it does absolutely sound like a contract. he's not going to laugh. he's not? but there's like the tiniest quirk of amusement at his mouth. there's the weirdest sense of deja vu at a question like what do you want from me. last time, he'd asked iris that, in a sense of almost desperation.
he'll take the moment to say it right, at least. he's good with his words. bold, when he needs to be. time to grab onto that boldness now.
... ] I wanna tell you point blank that I like you. Dunno if I've said it straight out. [ it was really, really, really REALLY obvious and he's talked about around it more than once, but it's important to him to lay his cards on the table. ichiro, as ever, is too honest not to. if she wants to treat it like a contract, well, hey. might as well be ready to negotiate with all the pieces on the board. ]
And I know we're about to leave this place - and, like fuck it's gonna be the last time I see you, but we live in like, crazy different worlds, and different lives. I know you're busy, and I'm busy, too. But if I leave here without telling you for real, I'm gonna regret it.
If it ends up that it's just - background knowledge when we go our separate ways, then that's what it is. If nothing comes of it, that's cool, too, or - maybe something fucking awesome will come from it. I've got no way of knowing what the future's got in store, especially right now.
But I promised you I wasn't going anywhere, and I'm not. No matter what happens.
I just want to put it on the table. No expectations. I just want you to know.
[ . . . . right. she sighs - somewhere between exhausted and relieved in equal measure because... she expected this. she did. not quite here and not quite now, but once he said that he didn't want to let go, she supposed there was only so much room to go from there.
and - where exactly do they go from here?
. . . . . she tilts her head for a moment, considering.]
.... I don't want to say or do anything that might - suggest anything. I think... it's for the best, if we continue without expectations. I'm a mess. You know this by now and even if I'm trying to get better, I'm not - I don't think I can do anything like that yet. I don't know when I can, or if I can. I'm... thinking about it, but I don't want to you to wait for me.
[because ichiro is sweet, and he is kind. he is so bright and - just as she's told him, so easy to adore. she's seen the way that luxanna looks at him and even if that particular avenue is difficult now, she doesn't think it's the only one that will ever open for him.
if someone or something else that he wants comes along, she hopes that he takes it.]
... I like you too - but I also can't deny I'm fond of Crow, who is much meaner than you are about all this. I hope you haven't apologized to him, because he truly doesn't deserve it. But I also... don't care to choose, when we all have very different things ahead of us. At this point I've told both of you the same thing.
[things might change. they might get distracted, or forget these feelings. she's not the type of person who will place her heart in the hands of an eight week-long infatuation. if he's going to be honest with her then - she thinks she owes him her honesty too.
. . . ]
But do I have your permission to do something a bit selfish, and a bit mean?
[ ichiro meant it when he said no expectations, so - that answer's not surprising, at all. and part of it is because he does know iris that well, that this situation is way too complicated for anything more than that, and he just nods. ]
Yeah, I know. [ because - again. he just wanted to get it on the table. put it out there, leave the air clear. it feels good to have done so. there's no bitterness or loss or hurt or sadness, even, in that simple phrase. just understanding.
... and, admittedly, there's a little sting, about crow, but it's mostly from the situation from before, and that's been soothed over, at least a little bit more than it was before. it may have even been obvious today - some of the things he said rubbed ichiro the wrong way, and iris has the right of it - he's done his goddamn best to be good about as much as he can in his life, and being cruel or mean has never really been his style - and frankly, the places that he differs from crow are some of the places that he considers his best qualities. he doesn't have any hard feelings there, either, not really. it's not a competition. (he is, however, a human being, and still young, and emotions are hard sometimes.)
but, that aside, the last part has him tilt his head, a little bit mischievous.] ...You're asking permission? [ ok. a little teasingly. some very loving giving shit. ] Yeah. Go ahead.
[ what's the worst that could happen at this point, ]
I am asking for permission, which you should consider an honor, because normally I never do when there is something I seek.
[because iris is a decisive person, and she is someone who is not easily denied. she knows the way that her presence commands both attention and respect, and she uses it to her benefit in many situations. she's not afraid of intimidating her way to the results she wants.
. . . it is because she likes ichiro as much as she does that she thought it worthwhile to give him an opportunity to run.
but at the end of the day, iris is selfish and she is greedy. she is someone who does not hate it any time that people promise to be hers, and in fact finds her heart fluttering with every time that someone gives themselves to her. it is perhaps only the worst crime that it has been done repeatedly here.
(ichiro is so good, and he deserves to run. but if he won't - if he chooses again and again to rush to her rather than away then—)
she shifts then, closer to him, and her hand comes up to his cheek. her thumb brushes against his face - a warning, he's clever, he can likely figure out her intention from this moment - but if he does not protest then she will guide his face down closer to hers, just so that it's simpler to slot their lips together in a kiss.
[ the first part makes him smile, amusement flickering easily on his face even in the little space between them - because, yeah. he knows. or... does he? iris has asked his permission for many things, many times; the path that they've tread together has been a long, careful one, with stumbles and faults all along the way. perhaps that is part of why he's been so protective of the idea of her warmth and her kindness, or even why he was so protective over the way the rewrites were handled this morning. iris is still iris - even if she's messy, even if she's selfish - and those things are a part of her as much as anything else, as much as the work and the time and the journey put into learning to heal are, too. she earned those things, even if they're in progress, and he was loathe to let someone erase them and take them away. i'm proud of you for that, an ichiro without memories had said, and it's still true.
when iris touches his cheek, he does know what's coming. there's time to prepare for it, and his eyes flutter shut as she comes close. it feels very shoujo, in the moment, to be settled like this under the stars, colored a little bittersweet that it may in fact be their first kiss, but also, their last. it's a soft, sweet kiss, gentle; his hand curls a little bit in the air before he settles it back down again and chooses to lean in a little closer to return the favor. ichiro's been kissed before, but never quite like this, never in a way that holds so much meaning, after everything has been said and done.
it's enough. it's more than enough.
when he pulls back, it isn't too far - close enough that their noses are still brushing - and ichiro, who is very cool sometimes, is also still a giant nerd and just manages a - ] ...heh. [ noise, because his mouth breaks into a smile. ]
it's soft, and bittersweet. it's something that she recognizes, even with the way that her heart is a little warm with the contact and even now she finds herself thinking that it'd be nice if they had more time than this - but she's made her choices, and feels confident in them. until she can give the people who love her something actually worthy of their affections, she is fine with what small bits of attention she can steal. if anything, this warm moment under the stars in the middle of the summer is not good enough for her.
but when he smiles at her like that, it's so hard to care.
instead she smiles back and leans in briefly, just to press a kiss to the corner of his smile, before she pulls back again.]
... if this is the only chance we get [whether he finds something or someone else to want, or she disappears buried under her own paperwork for the next year, or if their miracles don't quite manifest] I simply didn't want to have something to regret.
I would ask you to forgive my forwardness, but I don't think I will this time. [she will only apologize if there is something to regret, and she doesn't think there is] Thank you for your permission.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
the people who are meant to be in your life will always find a way back.]
.... I'm a terribly frustrating person. I know that you saw me when I was - very close to my worst, I imagine, and endured some of my most horrific tendencies. [to be pushed and pulled away, to suffer the mixed signals of someone who loves so much but is terrified to be loved in return because it means believing in someone else] ... but it's funny. Mandricardo and Mollymauk both helped pull me out too but -
I think I needed a push. A severe one. I needed to be scolded, else I continue my bad habits. Even now I think I'm... not sure how to quite have faith because it still sounds like nonsense sometimes but... I was told that maybe it's alright, and that maybe day by day I can think that it might be worthwhile to believe in a little nonsense.
So it took a group effort, and a bit of cracking at the edges but - you did save me, you know. I've been trying to tell you that you have, this entire time.
[that even when he's struggled, fumbled, felt things slip through his grasp - he never needed to be anyone besides himself, with her. that he's managed to save even just one person, and even if she lashed out at first, self-detonating—
he did save her.]
no subject
...I kinda decided it didn't matter, that you made me that mad on purpose. Shit here got so much worse, it felt small. [ ichiro will admit that, after a moment. it was pretty obvious, but, it feels important to say. the mention of molly also makes him laugh - mostly because he is completely aware of how ridiculously wise that purple man is and how much advice he's given out since returning from personal experience. thank you molly.
however, demurring the big compliment aside, he will eventually acquiesce: ] So...I'm glad I could help you. You've done a lot of that for me, too - you've gotten me through a lot, here.
[ in some of his worst moments, iris has been there for him. through a mental breakdown of massive proportions, through loss, through the misery of being homesick and lonely - she'd always been there to catch him. and sure, there'd been a mess in the middle there, but he'd weathered through it, and tried so hard to return the favor for her.
despite everything, they both did. they made it through. ] Kinda believed in me when I didn't, you know? Means a lot.
no subject
[but she just pouts. she imagines it won't happen again - but also iris has no trouble pouring gasoline on the fire when she thinks it serves a purpose. and actually learning every issue ichiro has ever had with her? that's important too.] I don't want to be the only one who gets a little ugly.
[and maybe that's selfish of her - but it's what ichiro says. you want to know a whole of a person, rather than shying away.]
... but I'll always believe in you. Even when things get a bit sour, or when either of us slip up and do something clumsy, or rowdy. My care for you is unconditional too, you know?
[that's just how it is, when you've decided that someone is a part of your heart.]
no subject
[ just like earlier, today. I don't want you to know that part of me. it came out, though, and it didn't leave them completely worse for wear, so there's that. it's not going to make him loosen up on it that much, but he has a better understanding of who iris is now, and all the parts of her. pretty, ugly, whatever - he's learned, for the most part, how she ticks. ]
Mm. [ the second noise is agreeing, because he feels the same. unconditional.
there's a lapse in conversation, after that - his pause is thoughtful, and ichiro turns the coke bottle in his palm for a moment, mulling something over before he speaks again. ]
.. I thought a little bit about what you asked me about when we were arguing. [ do you want me to let you go?, anyway. one of the last things they talked about. ] And I dunno if I've got a full answer - but I think I've got one for today.
's maybe kinda selfish - but, it's the last night we're here, anyway. Fuck it.
I don't want you to let me go. [ ichiro turns his head to look at her again, now, instead of at the rim of his cup - quietly confident in it. fuck it; they're putting out these little truths, even if they're not perfect. even if it is a little selfish. the words he says come with the decisiveness that has led him through most of his life, and it reflects in his eyes, stop and go. ] I don't really wanna let go, either.
[1/2]
Oh dear.
[is this better or worse than fear?]
no subject
... while I don't want to seem dense...
Could you - speak clearly? Could you tell me exactly what you mean, and what you want from me?
[it probably feels a little bit like setting up a contract -
but she feels like she needs it. some stable understanding of what he's talking to her about. is this what she thinks it is? or is it just some other discussion about their relationship, and the bond between them?]
no subject
he'll take the moment to say it right, at least. he's good with his words. bold, when he needs to be. time to grab onto that boldness now.
... ] I wanna tell you point blank that I like you. Dunno if I've said it straight out. [ it was really, really, really REALLY obvious and he's talked about around it more than once, but it's important to him to lay his cards on the table. ichiro, as ever, is too honest not to. if she wants to treat it like a contract, well, hey. might as well be ready to negotiate with all the pieces on the board. ]
And I know we're about to leave this place - and, like fuck it's gonna be the last time I see you, but we live in like, crazy different worlds, and different lives. I know you're busy, and I'm busy, too. But if I leave here without telling you for real, I'm gonna regret it.
If it ends up that it's just - background knowledge when we go our separate ways, then that's what it is. If nothing comes of it, that's cool, too, or - maybe something fucking awesome will come from it. I've got no way of knowing what the future's got in store, especially right now.
But I promised you I wasn't going anywhere, and I'm not. No matter what happens.
I just want to put it on the table. No expectations. I just want you to know.
no subject
and - where exactly do they go from here?
. . . . . she tilts her head for a moment, considering.]
.... I don't want to say or do anything that might - suggest anything. I think... it's for the best, if we continue without expectations. I'm a mess. You know this by now and even if I'm trying to get better, I'm not - I don't think I can do anything like that yet. I don't know when I can, or if I can. I'm... thinking about it, but I don't want to you to wait for me.
[because ichiro is sweet, and he is kind. he is so bright and - just as she's told him, so easy to adore. she's seen the way that luxanna looks at him and even if that particular avenue is difficult now, she doesn't think it's the only one that will ever open for him.
if someone or something else that he wants comes along, she hopes that he takes it.]
... I like you too - but I also can't deny I'm fond of Crow, who is much meaner than you are about all this. I hope you haven't apologized to him, because he truly doesn't deserve it. But I also... don't care to choose, when we all have very different things ahead of us. At this point I've told both of you the same thing.
[things might change. they might get distracted, or forget these feelings. she's not the type of person who will place her heart in the hands of an eight week-long infatuation. if he's going to be honest with her then - she thinks she owes him her honesty too.
. . . ]
But do I have your permission to do something a bit selfish, and a bit mean?
no subject
Yeah, I know. [ because - again. he just wanted to get it on the table. put it out there, leave the air clear. it feels good to have done so. there's no bitterness or loss or hurt or sadness, even, in that simple phrase. just understanding.
... and, admittedly, there's a little sting, about crow, but it's mostly from the situation from before, and that's been soothed over, at least a little bit more than it was before. it may have even been obvious today - some of the things he said rubbed ichiro the wrong way, and iris has the right of it - he's done his goddamn best to be good about as much as he can in his life, and being cruel or mean has never really been his style - and frankly, the places that he differs from crow are some of the places that he considers his best qualities. he doesn't have any hard feelings there, either, not really. it's not a competition. (he is, however, a human being, and still young, and emotions are hard sometimes.)
but, that aside, the last part has him tilt his head, a little bit mischievous.] ...You're asking permission? [ ok. a little teasingly. some very loving giving shit. ] Yeah. Go ahead.
[ what's the worst that could happen at this point, ]
no subject
[because iris is a decisive person, and she is someone who is not easily denied. she knows the way that her presence commands both attention and respect, and she uses it to her benefit in many situations. she's not afraid of intimidating her way to the results she wants.
. . . it is because she likes ichiro as much as she does that she thought it worthwhile to give him an opportunity to run.
but at the end of the day, iris is selfish and she is greedy. she is someone who does not hate it any time that people promise to be hers, and in fact finds her heart fluttering with every time that someone gives themselves to her. it is perhaps only the worst crime that it has been done repeatedly here.
(ichiro is so good, and he deserves to run. but if he won't - if he chooses again and again to rush to her rather than away then—)
she shifts then, closer to him, and her hand comes up to his cheek. her thumb brushes against his face - a warning, he's clever, he can likely figure out her intention from this moment - but if he does not protest then she will guide his face down closer to hers, just so that it's simpler to slot their lips together in a kiss.
selfish.
and mean.
she really is a bit wicked.]
no subject
when iris touches his cheek, he does know what's coming. there's time to prepare for it, and his eyes flutter shut as she comes close. it feels very shoujo, in the moment, to be settled like this under the stars, colored a little bittersweet that it may in fact be their first kiss, but also, their last. it's a soft, sweet kiss, gentle; his hand curls a little bit in the air before he settles it back down again and chooses to lean in a little closer to return the favor. ichiro's been kissed before, but never quite like this, never in a way that holds so much meaning, after everything has been said and done.
it's enough. it's more than enough.
when he pulls back, it isn't too far - close enough that their noses are still brushing - and ichiro, who is very cool sometimes, is also still a giant nerd and just manages a - ] ...heh. [ noise, because his mouth breaks into a smile. ]
no subject
it's soft, and bittersweet. it's something that she recognizes, even with the way that her heart is a little warm with the contact and even now she finds herself thinking that it'd be nice if they had more time than this - but she's made her choices, and feels confident in them. until she can give the people who love her something actually worthy of their affections, she is fine with what small bits of attention she can steal. if anything, this warm moment under the stars in the middle of the summer is not good enough for her.
but when he smiles at her like that, it's so hard to care.
instead she smiles back and leans in briefly, just to press a kiss to the corner of his smile, before she pulls back again.]
... if this is the only chance we get [whether he finds something or someone else to want, or she disappears buried under her own paperwork for the next year, or if their miracles don't quite manifest] I simply didn't want to have something to regret.
I would ask you to forgive my forwardness, but I don't think I will this time. [she will only apologize if there is something to regret, and she doesn't think there is] Thank you for your permission.