[ he can feel it, the way iris's emotions threaten to bubble over, the way she pushes them down. there's a sense of something like concern on his end, too - a recognition of the kind of person iris is, and a recognition of what she's doing, and how much he wants to help her in all of the ways that she's helped him.
he squeezes the hand that stays in hers, when it tightens. supportive, quietly, in the ways he knows how to be. dealing with grief and loss is normal for ichiro, because over the years, he's lost so, so much, but a senseless and cruel one like what happens here hurts deep. it hurts in familiar places and unfamiliar ones, and sometimes i am strong isn't enough to keep yourself from losing your place at sea.
he comes to look at iris when she turns his face, stop-and-go eyes almost soulful, searching her face for a second. there's an emotional sense of ache, there, but concern, too, after that rollicking fear and terror - a tiny, necessary want to fix that, too. ]
...Okay. [ he says, eventually. soft, voice smaller than usual, rough at the edges. ] ...but... you gotta let me help you, too.
[ . . . she is a hard person to help. nearly impossible, really. she's stubborn, she's willful and independent, and she's learned to be good at everything purely for the reason that the idea of relying on others for anything other than niche expertise feels daunting. even the invitation to rely on ichiro brings a wave of emotions that only bubble over in this state - where she's so close to her wits end, with everything that she will almost inevitably lose.
i don't want to her feelings childishly scream. she doesn't want help. she doesn't want to be a person who needs to be helped. there's the fear of being seen, of her own emotional turmoil being recognized, a disdain for the way that things are that make her so vulnerable. and it's - the terror that ichiro doesn't mean it, that he'll realize that she's simply not worth the effort.
(and quieter, quieter still, but just as desperate if not more, something in her screams don't leave me alone)]
[ "don't leave me alone" - it might be quiet, but underneath everything else, it comes through. because it's resonant, really (because he knows what it feels like, to have the people who love you scorn you, and how badly that can fuck you up, he knows what it feels like to be betrayed, to see your trust shoved in your face.) and that fear is something he responds, to, too.
ichiro huffs a laugh. it's small - not quite hysterical, but almost a little wry, and definitely wet, plaintive and a little hopeless as he says; ] I - hah, I don't either.
[ and with that, he squeezes her hand. how silly that is, right? two people who don't know how to stop being the caretaker, desperately trying to take care of each other. being seen isn't scary to him, but being weak sometimes is. being powerless is; after all, his own independence came so fiercely out of a need to survive. ]
I can just - stay. [ because that'll help him too, he thinks. just the company, after everything. a couple of people who need something to do, when things get rough. ] Maybe we can try and look after each other.
[ maybe that can be enough. at least for a little while. ]
[ . . . . it's a sweet offer. it's one that she listens to, and is nervous to put stock into. it's funny when she's reflected on that she is a person who has all the resources she could possibly need - materially, she has not wanted for anything in a very long time. it is a privilege, and something she uses to try to share with others. but that means that the only thing she aches for is the intangible - the wish to be with others, to reach out to people who want to reach back.
so her heart continues to tumble chaotically - somewhere in the midst of her sadness, of her grief, of the pulse of self-hatred that sits in the center of it for her inability to do anything - and she finds herself asking:]
Is that enough for you?
[is there nothing more that she can give or provide? is there nothing else she can do for him, or nothing else that he might want? even if it would only be temporary, she can summon anything at her fingertips, give it to him, would give him the whole world if he just asked and she found a way -
so she doesn't know what to do when he doesn't ask for more, even if her feelings are largely the same]
[ there's something there he can latch onto - in that asked question, in the almost hesitance of it. in that rising tide of emotions, there's something he can reassure about. a moment for him to be strong and vulnerable, at the same time.
ichiro squeezes her hand, and gives it a little shake. just one. his emotions are still torrential and angry but something softens them over, just for a second, like a light breaking through the clouds. a fierce, absolute guarantee to his words, a strength that he draws from in every shitty moment of his life, to be there for others. ]
It's more than enough. [ you're more than enough, he doesn't say, but it comes through, anyway. ]
[it does come through - and it startles her. it makes her brow furrow and she very nearly pulls away from the surprise of it. because the first feeling that hits her is doubt, disbelief, because there's no way that can be true. it was already a stretch to suggest that just staying would be answer enough - but staying with her?
. . . . she wants to run. she wants to disappear. she wants to go before this hurts, because it will -
she holds onto his hand a little tighter, and presses her face into his shoulder.
it feels like it was years ago when they all had those tattoos, when ichiro saw hers. he'd sort of been able to put together the pieces after that, figured out that someone must have hurt iris badly for her to feel that way.
love was offered to ichiro at a time when he needed it, desperately, and then ripped out of his hands - only to be returned to the roots when he was reunited with his brothers. love has powered many things in his life, has been his driving motivation, his focus, and still is here. to him, it's never been terrifying, because achieving it, in the case of his family, in the case of his home, was worth every moment of strife to get there.
so he can give it. openly, freely; with no fear. he can be dependable, and reliable, but more than anything, he can be kind.
his other hand comes up and hooks around her. it's not tentative, not really - but there's a steady almost tenderness that comes with it, and his emotions give off something close to affected resolve. ]
'm not going anywhere. [ he's not. ] This is ... [ a little flicker, there, of fluster, maybe, but its honest and genuine. ] ... This is right where I wanna be.
[ with you goes unsaid. even if it's shitty, even if the world sucks right now, even if they're feeling an unimaginable amount of loss after today - ichiro's not leaving winter unless he's dragged away, and he's not leaving iris, either. ]
[at this point in her life, iris holds no doubts about being treasured. whether it be by her townspeople, or by her childhood friends and attendants, she knows that there are people who care for her deeply. she has received affection and loyalty in spades, and thinks constantly about how grateful she is for it -
but this is different. this is different than the typical ardor that comes from her dorm - a type of affection that is also centered around a sense of pride of winter. and to have it come from someone who has known her but a few short weeks - it surprises her, even when ichiro has been clear about his care. it leaves her a little breathless, and nervous as though the ground will give out from underneath her feet.
at the same time -
at the same time she is so selfish, and she wants so badly to not be alone. the idea of someone who is willing to stay is alarming - because there was already a time in her life when she thought she had everything she could ever want, she thought she already had someone to hold a hand out to her, and that shattered so horrifically she cut herself trying to pick up the pieces. when his other hand comes around, she tenses for a long second before she leans into him, slowly and gradually and almost painfully.
her voice is soft, but her emotions make it clear how tense she is, how she's trying to keep herself steady.]
... I'll - try not to be upset, if you change your mind.
[ iris's emotions are a little bit like landmines, here, but they're sort of familiar territory. he was fragile like that, once - burnt over and over and over by betrayal, by his father, by the adults in his life. by kuko, out of nowhere, for a cause he still doesn't know. by samatoki, the one that hurt the hardest, that wrenched him down into his soul and made him angry. he's learned to be independent, too. he's learned not to rely on others to do things when he can do them.
but in his core, he's a bleeding heart, and ichiro's a lover and a fighter all at once.
the fighter part makes him determined, too. it makes him steady. he's been a pillar for others in this place the best that he can (at only nineteen - ikebukuro's counting on you, ichiro, winter's counting on you, ichiro - it's a lot of pressure, especially when it feels like he's swimming upstream against it.) his emotions are genuine - soft at the edges, but fierce with that protective compassion that makes him who he is.
if there's anything he's always wanted to be, it's someone to rely on. ]
I - [ a pause. he huffs, a little - and there's a sprinkle of affectionate amusement, amidst all of the negative emotions from the day and the unending resolve that seems to spring forth from him out of nowhere. his voice is soft, and his arms don't move, again. ] ... I'm really stubborn, Iris. [ sometimes to the point of stupidity. she knows this about him by now probably. ] Especially about stuff like that. Can't tell you not to worry, but - I'm gonna stick around no matter what.
[it is slow, and nervous, not unlike coaxing a frightened animal, but bit by bit she'll shift if only so she can wrap her arms around him too. even if she can't find the words right away, she finds herself holding on to the person who is holding her - and listening to his words even if they are hard to truly believe.
her emotions are a hurricane - even amidst everything, there are a few that float above the others. she trusts him. she adores him. she is so grateful for him - just in the same shaky breath, he terrifies her so much when she is still so afraid he may leave, no matter his assurances.
her fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt, as if silently requesting he doesn't. she is rather sure she doesn't deserve this kindness, this certainty to stay by her side, and yet she selfishly clings onto it anyway. she leans into the warmth and - for all he holds onto her, she will try to be brave enough to hold on, too.]
... please don't regret this.
[choosing to stay, or saying that this is enough.]
[ me struggling through greatest regret week like i DONT KNOW? FUCK
anyway. there's that same strength to that statement, too. a quiet sort of warmth, like a flickering hearth instead of a blazing inferno; despite being put into winter, ichiro's always been all fire. for a moment, he takes in those emotions, for as tumultuous as they are, trying to parse through them the best he can - trying to sort out the fear and the everything else, trying to give her the space to navigate through them on her own, too. the trust, the adoration, the gratitude - they make his own emotions flutter in response, the equivalent of his heart squeezing tight in his chest. because he feels the same way - and if she's scared, then, hell, he's gonna do his best to be safe.
he shifts his head back just a little, to look down, but doesn't otherwise move back, letting her settle and hug him, too. ichiro looks tired, even like this - it's been a long day, and his face is a little red, eyes a little puffy - but theres still warmth on his face when he looks down at her, mouth curled into a small smile. it's hard to imagine regretting it even for a second. ]
[ . . . . what a thing to say. she pauses for a longer moment at that, as if searching his feelings for any indicator that he might be lying. the paranoia and trust issues are truly so bad, and the scars have left marks on her heart that are so hard to fight against.
. . .
but she finds nothing. no hint of insincerity, no delusions, no lies. it makes her holds onto him just a little tighter, pressing just a bit closer for a moment instinctively. though she will eventually peek up at him, as close to shy as iris will ever get. maybe it's simpler to say that the emotion is a little closer to just - being awed.]
... I'd be far more lost without you. It's selfish of me but -
It's easier to feel safe when you're near.
[she'd said that once before - as viola. just after she had slipped away as iris again, and he was so upset by the switch but... funny, how some things manage to remain the same.]
[ one thing's for sure - ichiro's not much of a liar. he hates liars, actually - always has, always will - and it's been one of the shitty things about being stuck in a place like this. sometimes he has to lie. to protect people, like kainé, like winter dorm, he has to pretend he doesn't know things he knows, has to look the other way. his emotions are the last thing he could possibly lie about, too, especially on a week like this, because his feelings are huge, the fullhearted, compassionate nature of a bright-burning spark like himself.
that awe might take him out at the knees, a little - unwittingly, his cheeks turn red, and he has to glance away just for a second, because the look on her face is way, way, way too cute, especially saying something like that?
and...
lately, as things have gone on here, ichiro hasn't felt much like the protector he usually does. the limitations on this place have left him struggling, running into brick walls as he watched the people he care about get hurt. watching adora just die like that had been a crushing blow, and with each day he tries to figure things out, it feels like's getting further and further away from any answers. he's been feeling powerless, feeling more like he did when he was a delinquent, trapped and angry and furious.
can he do anything for iris? he's been trying, been trying to do everything he can for everyone - but hearing it, hearing something she's said to him before even when she wasn't quite herself and was all at once, is a pretty powerful phrase. quietly reaffirming, that maybe he hasn't fucked up everything he's tried to help. it's ichiro's turn to look at her with a little awe, this time, but it's more like a lost puppy, as something squirms in his emotions and in his chest that's too warm, too bright. ]
... I'm glad. [ his voice is softer, this time, a little more raw. ] It's - that's all I ever want to do, you know...?
[ make people feel safe. a dream they've talked about, before. ]
[ah... bit by bit, as she calms down from her initial fear and terror, she makes room for his feelings right next to hers. the need to protect others, to make a place where they can feel safe, and take things into your own hands in order to salvage them. it's... familiar. achingly so. it makes her think of the day that she spent on her own, unable to know anything about trial, left only rattling in her own skin trying to think of things she could do after and - finding so close to nothing.
she shifts on the chaise then, moving so she can shift more onto her knees, giving her just a little bit of leverage considering how much bigger than her he is. her arms leave him, if only temporarily so she can loop her arms around his neck instead, pulling him closer as though she is the one holding him this time.
sometimes you are two people who don't know how to ask for what you need - but you try to give each other everything anyway.]
... then know that you make a difference to me. And to so many others. Even if - they're gone for a time, we wouldn't have been able to laugh or smile as much with Catra and Adora without you. Without every attempt you made to make this place into a home.
But even if you seek to help as many people as you can - please know you've already touched my life by being in it.
You don't need to do anything, or be anyone but you, Ichiro.
[and there is something softly frustrated in her feelings - to know that she can't offer him much more than words... but they are nonetheless sincere. they are stubborn, and they are certain - so sure that winter would not be the same if he was not in it. and at this point that even she wouldn't be the same if he was not so stubbornly at her side.
the higher vantage point works for a few things - for letting her be the one to hold him, but also she she can press a brief, sweet, and adoring kiss to his hair, aiming for reassuring and soothing in one action.
all she knows is that she can't allow this place to break him the way that she'd been broken before she even arrived.]
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no subject
he squeezes the hand that stays in hers, when it tightens. supportive, quietly, in the ways he knows how to be. dealing with grief and loss is normal for ichiro, because over the years, he's lost so, so much, but a senseless and cruel one like what happens here hurts deep. it hurts in familiar places and unfamiliar ones, and sometimes i am strong isn't enough to keep yourself from losing your place at sea.
he comes to look at iris when she turns his face, stop-and-go eyes almost soulful, searching her face for a second. there's an emotional sense of ache, there, but concern, too, after that rollicking fear and terror - a tiny, necessary want to fix that, too. ]
...Okay. [ he says, eventually. soft, voice smaller than usual, rough at the edges. ] ...but... you gotta let me help you, too.
no subject
i don't want to her feelings childishly scream. she doesn't want help. she doesn't want to be a person who needs to be helped. there's the fear of being seen, of her own emotional turmoil being recognized, a disdain for the way that things are that make her so vulnerable. and it's - the terror that ichiro doesn't mean it, that he'll realize that she's simply not worth the effort.
(and quieter, quieter still, but just as desperate if not more, something in her screams don't leave me alone)]
... I -
I don't know what to ask for.
no subject
ichiro huffs a laugh. it's small - not quite hysterical, but almost a little wry, and definitely wet, plaintive and a little hopeless as he says; ] I - hah, I don't either.
[ and with that, he squeezes her hand. how silly that is, right? two people who don't know how to stop being the caretaker, desperately trying to take care of each other. being seen isn't scary to him, but being weak sometimes is. being powerless is; after all, his own independence came so fiercely out of a need to survive. ]
I can just - stay. [ because that'll help him too, he thinks. just the company, after everything. a couple of people who need something to do, when things get rough. ] Maybe we can try and look after each other.
[ maybe that can be enough. at least for a little while. ]
no subject
so her heart continues to tumble chaotically - somewhere in the midst of her sadness, of her grief, of the pulse of self-hatred that sits in the center of it for her inability to do anything - and she finds herself asking:]
Is that enough for you?
[is there nothing more that she can give or provide? is there nothing else she can do for him, or nothing else that he might want? even if it would only be temporary, she can summon anything at her fingertips, give it to him, would give him the whole world if he just asked and she found a way -
so she doesn't know what to do when he doesn't ask for more, even if her feelings are largely the same]
no subject
ichiro squeezes her hand, and gives it a little shake. just one. his emotions are still torrential and angry but something softens them over, just for a second, like a light breaking through the clouds. a fierce, absolute guarantee to his words, a strength that he draws from in every shitty moment of his life, to be there for others. ]
It's more than enough. [ you're more than enough, he doesn't say, but it comes through, anyway. ]
no subject
. . . . she wants to run. she wants to disappear. she wants to go before this hurts, because it will -
she holds onto his hand a little tighter, and presses her face into his shoulder.
she's scared.]
no subject
it feels like it was years ago when they all had those tattoos, when ichiro saw hers. he'd sort of been able to put together the pieces after that, figured out that someone must have hurt iris badly for her to feel that way.
love was offered to ichiro at a time when he needed it, desperately, and then ripped out of his hands - only to be returned to the roots when he was reunited with his brothers. love has powered many things in his life, has been his driving motivation, his focus, and still is here. to him, it's never been terrifying, because achieving it, in the case of his family, in the case of his home, was worth every moment of strife to get there.
so he can give it. openly, freely; with no fear. he can be dependable, and reliable, but more than anything, he can be kind.
his other hand comes up and hooks around her. it's not tentative, not really - but there's a steady almost tenderness that comes with it, and his emotions give off something close to affected resolve. ]
'm not going anywhere. [ he's not. ] This is ... [ a little flicker, there, of fluster, maybe, but its honest and genuine. ] ... This is right where I wanna be.
[ with you goes unsaid. even if it's shitty, even if the world sucks right now, even if they're feeling an unimaginable amount of loss after today - ichiro's not leaving winter unless he's dragged away, and he's not leaving iris, either. ]
no subject
but this is different. this is different than the typical ardor that comes from her dorm - a type of affection that is also centered around a sense of pride of winter. and to have it come from someone who has known her but a few short weeks - it surprises her, even when ichiro has been clear about his care. it leaves her a little breathless, and nervous as though the ground will give out from underneath her feet.
at the same time -
at the same time she is so selfish, and she wants so badly to not be alone. the idea of someone who is willing to stay is alarming - because there was already a time in her life when she thought she had everything she could ever want, she thought she already had someone to hold a hand out to her, and that shattered so horrifically she cut herself trying to pick up the pieces. when his other hand comes around, she tenses for a long second before she leans into him, slowly and gradually and almost painfully.
her voice is soft, but her emotions make it clear how tense she is, how she's trying to keep herself steady.]
... I'll - try not to be upset, if you change your mind.
no subject
but in his core, he's a bleeding heart, and ichiro's a lover and a fighter all at once.
the fighter part makes him determined, too. it makes him steady. he's been a pillar for others in this place the best that he can (at only nineteen - ikebukuro's counting on you, ichiro, winter's counting on you, ichiro - it's a lot of pressure, especially when it feels like he's swimming upstream against it.) his emotions are genuine - soft at the edges, but fierce with that protective compassion that makes him who he is.
if there's anything he's always wanted to be, it's someone to rely on. ]
I - [ a pause. he huffs, a little - and there's a sprinkle of affectionate amusement, amidst all of the negative emotions from the day and the unending resolve that seems to spring forth from him out of nowhere. his voice is soft, and his arms don't move, again. ] ... I'm really stubborn, Iris. [ sometimes to the point of stupidity. she knows this about him by now probably. ] Especially about stuff like that. Can't tell you not to worry, but - I'm gonna stick around no matter what.
[ so yeah. definitely not going anywhere. ]
no subject
her emotions are a hurricane - even amidst everything, there are a few that float above the others. she trusts him. she adores him. she is so grateful for him - just in the same shaky breath, he terrifies her so much when she is still so afraid he may leave, no matter his assurances.
her fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt, as if silently requesting he doesn't. she is rather sure she doesn't deserve this kindness, this certainty to stay by her side, and yet she selfishly clings onto it anyway. she leans into the warmth and - for all he holds onto her, she will try to be brave enough to hold on, too.]
... please don't regret this.
[choosing to stay, or saying that this is enough.]
no subject
[ me struggling through greatest regret week like i DONT KNOW? FUCK
anyway. there's that same strength to that statement, too. a quiet sort of warmth, like a flickering hearth instead of a blazing inferno; despite being put into winter, ichiro's always been all fire. for a moment, he takes in those emotions, for as tumultuous as they are, trying to parse through them the best he can - trying to sort out the fear and the everything else, trying to give her the space to navigate through them on her own, too. the trust, the adoration, the gratitude - they make his own emotions flutter in response, the equivalent of his heart squeezing tight in his chest. because he feels the same way - and if she's scared, then, hell, he's gonna do his best to be safe.
he shifts his head back just a little, to look down, but doesn't otherwise move back, letting her settle and hug him, too. ichiro looks tired, even like this - it's been a long day, and his face is a little red, eyes a little puffy - but theres still warmth on his face when he looks down at her, mouth curled into a small smile. it's hard to imagine regretting it even for a second. ]
I'm really glad I ended up with you.
no subject
. . .
but she finds nothing. no hint of insincerity, no delusions, no lies. it makes her holds onto him just a little tighter, pressing just a bit closer for a moment instinctively. though she will eventually peek up at him, as close to shy as iris will ever get. maybe it's simpler to say that the emotion is a little closer to just - being awed.]
... I'd be far more lost without you. It's selfish of me but -
It's easier to feel safe when you're near.
[she'd said that once before - as viola. just after she had slipped away as iris again, and he was so upset by the switch but... funny, how some things manage to remain the same.]
no subject
that awe might take him out at the knees, a little - unwittingly, his cheeks turn red, and he has to glance away just for a second, because the look on her face is way, way, way too cute, especially saying something like that?
and...
lately, as things have gone on here, ichiro hasn't felt much like the protector he usually does. the limitations on this place have left him struggling, running into brick walls as he watched the people he care about get hurt. watching adora just die like that had been a crushing blow, and with each day he tries to figure things out, it feels like's getting further and further away from any answers. he's been feeling powerless, feeling more like he did when he was a delinquent, trapped and angry and furious.
can he do anything for iris? he's been trying, been trying to do everything he can for everyone - but hearing it, hearing something she's said to him before even when she wasn't quite herself and was all at once, is a pretty powerful phrase. quietly reaffirming, that maybe he hasn't fucked up everything he's tried to help. it's ichiro's turn to look at her with a little awe, this time, but it's more like a lost puppy, as something squirms in his emotions and in his chest that's too warm, too bright. ]
... I'm glad. [ his voice is softer, this time, a little more raw. ] It's - that's all I ever want to do, you know...?
[ make people feel safe. a dream they've talked about, before. ]
no subject
she shifts on the chaise then, moving so she can shift more onto her knees, giving her just a little bit of leverage considering how much bigger than her he is. her arms leave him, if only temporarily so she can loop her arms around his neck instead, pulling him closer as though she is the one holding him this time.
sometimes you are two people who don't know how to ask for what you need - but you try to give each other everything anyway.]
... then know that you make a difference to me. And to so many others. Even if - they're gone for a time, we wouldn't have been able to laugh or smile as much with Catra and Adora without you. Without every attempt you made to make this place into a home.
But even if you seek to help as many people as you can - please know you've already touched my life by being in it.
You don't need to do anything, or be anyone but you, Ichiro.
[and there is something softly frustrated in her feelings - to know that she can't offer him much more than words... but they are nonetheless sincere. they are stubborn, and they are certain - so sure that winter would not be the same if he was not in it. and at this point that even she wouldn't be the same if he was not so stubbornly at her side.
the higher vantage point works for a few things - for letting her be the one to hold him, but also she she can press a brief, sweet, and adoring kiss to his hair, aiming for reassuring and soothing in one action.
all she knows is that she can't allow this place to break him the way that she'd been broken before she even arrived.]