[this is happening now and it's fine. she'll nod her head in gratitude to the glass of water and just clear her throat for a moment. one shot is so much for her she's going to be tipsy on her walk back to the dorm, it's very stupid.
but. liquid courage.]
... My engagement was broken off. I think - I don't know, you might've caught a glimpse of it in my memories, but I loved the same person for most of my life, and then he ended up publicly breaking off our engagement in favor of a girl he met at the academy. It was public, and brutal. [and the date auction felt so much like that - having your love or lack thereof out there on public display for everyone to scrutinize and gawk] My brother took their side because he suffered the same infatuation with that girl, and I - I've sworn since then not to open my heart like that. Afterward, love and infatuation just felt like a sickness.
Someone here got me to agree to a nebulous date in the future - but I'm still not sure how serious they are, or if they'd truly be willing to wait. I don't even know if I'm ever going to take them up on it. I think - there's something about me that's a little broken, after all of that.
So I know it's unfair - when I act possessively toward you, or when I agree to go on a date with you. Even if it's fun and I have such a good time I forget what I was afraid of. But... it's selfish of me, when I haven't told you, and I haven't been clear that I'm not -
I'm not good at this.
[the nebulous "this" that comes with anything that isn't platonic. the way that it scares her to open up, to rely on people, to believe that they'll stay for her. the way that she doesn't think that she's enough, and yet she clearly craves company and wants his attention enough that sometimes she leans into it anyway.
but she knows the way that he reacts to her. she sees it plainly when she tries to take more and more, and he doesn't seem to mind. and it's hard, when all she feels is guilt.]
he's quiet, for a long moment, after all of that, as that last bit of confusion clarifies into sense, and things click into place. ichiro looks down at the dough under his hands, for a second. ]
....gotcha. [ is what he says, at first. message heard. ] ...'m sorry, Iris. I wouldn't - [ shit, fuck, he's really glad it's not emotion share week anymore, too. the guilt curls up in the bottom of his stomach and it stays there, something snarling and heavy. it's probably been really obvious, and that he might've been causing her pain because of it is... ]
...
[ ...god, he's really been fucking up a lot this week, hasn't he? ]
...Don't - hey. It's... don't worry about it. [ reassuring takes over there, for a moment. ichiro's expression finally shifts into a hopefully reassuring smile - an it's okay, more than anything else, as he looks over at her again. ] I'm glad I could help you forget about that, for a little bit. I'm sorry that happened to you, too - that guy sounds like an asshole.
[ it sure makes a lot of things make sense! especially that tattoo.
he turns his head back to the kneading, going back to the easy, repetitive motion of it, speaking with honesty. everything about him is genuine, in the good ways, and the bad. his words are gentle, the usual conviction behind them a little less present, but only because he's trying to find his way. ] Forget about it. You're my friend, you know? And anything I've ever done for you, or whatever - it's because I care about you no matter what. It doesn't have to be like that.
[ ... ichiro doesn't really have a lot of friends, either. the last one was kuko, and that had burned him so hard he'd run from the idea. even now, he'd gotten close to beau, and this weekend, she put on her spikes and pushed him away and it knocked him on his ass way more than he's let anyone see, and now she's just back to normal.
so this... kind of follows, too, that something like this would happen, right? some patterns never change. that's the problem with having such a big heart - when things get pulled out from it, it leaves behind a wreckage in its own right.
there's a pause, and his expression twists, a little, brows knitting together, mouth pulled into a deep frown. on top of it all, the thing about this that hurts is - ]
... and ... I'm sorry, if I made you feel bad, too. Or remember that kind of feeling, or - that's all on me. If I'd known, I would've - I would've been more careful.
[she says that so fast, so stubbornly and immediately - because that's not what she meant to suggest. it's like watching a crash happen in front of her - the way that ichiro is so quick to take the blame on himself, but she'll throw herself right into the wreckage first if it means that he doesn't think that it's all his fault. even despite her request for help, she reaches out to place a hand over his, trying to get his attention]
You haven't hurt me. Not once. I've never felt hurt, or ignored, or belittled because of you. You're good to me, Ichiro - so good that I—
[get scared of how good it could be. she's terrified to hope, and to place that much faith in anyone.]
Nothing about what I said before changes - or is even slightly different. You... You matter so much to me.
[but she can't keep trying to claim him when she's not even sure if she can follow through. she can't keep knowing how much he likes her, and how much she likes him, when she knows just as well that she might run at the first sign of trouble.
even if that trouble hasn't come.
sometimes everything in you is wired to avoid heartache and shattering, no matter how much you want someone. she wonders - if ichiro ever did hurt her, would she be able to recover?
it's terrifying to think that the answer might be no.]
So please don't apologize to me, and don't make that face. You haven't done anything wrong. I've sworn that I won't let anything hurt you, and that includes when you try to hurt yourself.
[ iris's forcefulness is as always impressive, and the gravity of her words stick. when she touches his hand, he looks - surprised, and starts to pull it back almost immediately, even if she was the one to reach out.
it sort of feels like being pulled in two directions. confusing. it's fine but it's not fine, and he doesn't know how to navigate his way through this emotional minefield that iris has put up around herself without blowing the entire thing sky high. he's not the type of person to think little things like emotions are unfair ( that gets applied to things like chuuoku, things like subjugation and cruelty and all of the bad things in the world ) but for the first time, when she says all of those meaningful, sweet things, and touches his hand, he kind of gets what she means.
his hand hovers a little under hers, and then sets back down.
he can't drag iris into something that terrifies her. what the fuck kind of person would he be for that? but he can't stop, either, because she gets upset, like this - making sure he's not hurting himself, insistent. what if he's hurting her, though? doesn't that matter, too? making her so anxious she has to take a shot to even talk?
there's another pause. ]
...alright, Iris. [ and it's sweet of her to say those things, because they still make his heart squeeze and flutter like crazy, but now it comes with a fresh new feeling of guilt, too. he'll agree though - he won't apologize to her, and... will try not to make a face, either. ichiro gives her a smile, instead, maybe not quite as bright at the edges as usual, but a smile nonetheless. better than the one before, at least. ]
Like you said. Nothing's changed. I said I'd be here, so I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to worry about that.
[ what happened the last time he gave his heart away, anyway? what happened the last time he even had a friend? ]
I'm glad you told me, though. Seriously. Just... if you end up getting uncomfortable, tell me, okay? I'll back off.
[ . . . . her expression twists because that's the hard thing. she's selfish. she enjoys the attention. to be told that it's enough to be with her, it makes her so happy that she doesn't know up from down. but she places a hand over her heart then, pulling back if he doesn't want her to touch him anymore. shying away gently because this is what she decided to do, and what she decided to tell him.
but at the same time it is unacceptable to her to walk away with any misconceptions.]
... I don't think there's anything that you could do that would make me uncomfortable either... I just - if anything, I'm terrified that I'm going to be the person who hurts you.
[perhaps - even more than she already has. because ichiro is kind, and he is sweet, and he's taking this all on himself, isn't he? even though iris is the one who has so many issues, so many troubles, that she can't even manage a basic relationship with another person.
there are people who've sworn their lives to her - and she loves them. she would do anything for them. but ichiro is different. he's not like every attendant she's had - it's different, to have someone who chooses to stay with you not out of loyalty but genuine fondness and care and... something else she might be too scared to name.]
... I'm sorry. I wish I could be a better person for you. You've done so much for me and I....
[The best way I can repay you is by letting you go.]
You're a good person, Ichiro. One of the best I've ever gotten to meet. If you resent me for my selfishness, I understand. It's not right that you have to deal with issues from an incident that happened before I ever met you.
[it's a bit of a chaotic thing, to be smart and scarred at the same time, when you're self-aware of all the ways that you hurt people without meaning to]
[ no - no, he doesn't want that. or, does he? what the fuck is the right thing to do here? he holds still, for a second, while she keeps talking, that smile fading a little.
but. something in his chest lurches and he responds out of instinct, first, an emphatic, immediate - ] I don't resent you.
[ how could he ever do that. there's only one person in ichiro's life that he despises, one person who has ever earned that level of his hatred, and that was after a betrayal so fierce that it's practically burnt into his bones. he can't let iris think that. he can't let her think that she's ruined anything. can't let her take on the fault for something out of her control. he's gotta be strong. ]
And - you don't have to apologize. There's nothing to apologize for - like, like you haven't done shit for me, too? Iris, stop.
[ the last part comes out a little more fiercely. it's a little funny that they're back into this. both of them desperate to keep each other from hurting, neither knowing how to fix it besides taking on all the pain alone. ] I'm not -- you make it sound like you're leaving.
[ or that he's leaving. which one's first? he knows for sure that - he knows he doesn't want to do that, no matter what.
there's a little part of him that's afraid of being left alone, too. especially right now, when it feels like he cannot do anything right, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much he struggles. it's so hard for ichiro to not be able to help, and that's all that's happened here. to have iris just - just leave, just step back and stop talking with him, stop spending time with him
(like nemu did? one day, she was just gone, and then she was a fucking missing person, and then -- )
[she should apologize! she's making this harder! it's ridiculous and nonsensical and she wishes that she was capable of basic human connection but she... isn't. not in this way, at least. or at least, she seems convinced that she isn't. she looks frustrated for a moment, before she does end up a bit admonished from his scolding.
she flushes just a little bit, some mix of guilty and ashamed, before she shakes her head and then answers stubbornly in return.]
... I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere, and if you don't want me to leave, then I'll resist anything that tries to take me. [and because she did have a little to drink and she cannot un-tipsy:] It's not like I don't want to be with you.
[it's safer, when she's with him.]
... but you have to tell me if I'm too cruel.
I'm not a nice person, when there is something [or someone] I want.
[ okay, yeah, things like "it's not like i don't want to be with you" are a little cruel, but - it's fine. he was more worried about her just deciding to take this as "i have to leave forever now" and he just. cannot take that right now, not after the week he's had, not after what they've been through.
some of that lost, hurt puppy look fades away - he rolls his shoulders back a little and nods. not quite relaxed, but at least a little bit less panicked. ]
...okay. [ he will. probably. probably not? it's fine. ] You too. Promise.
[it's not a very fair situation, and suffering under iris' mixed signals is honestly probably a terrible fate. she watches him just as cautiously, concern obvious even as she tries to work through her own swimming thoughts. she knew that she had to talk about this with him - that it would be even worse to lead him on without addressing it, but.
but it still doesn't make this moment any easier.]
... I think I've made it clear enough how honest I try to be with you. [even if the truth isn't very clear or simple] But... alright.
[ his smile's gentler, but it's there - there's a little confidence in that, too. of course they will. this feels like sort of a precarious position to be in at the moment, but he's holding onto everything in his life with the same precarious teetering right now, so what's one more thing to toss onto the pile. if anything, the relationship he's built up with iris is important to him, and he'll do what it takes to maintain it.
god, what a fucking week it has been. maybe pranking fall dorm with copious bread will do something for his mood? surely nothing else bad will happen this week!!
a little teasingly, to break up some of the rough mood - ] You gonna be okay to keep baking? [ with your shot? ma'am? ]
['for sure' he says, and she wants to believe him. she watches him for another moment before just nodding - and then flustering a little at the question. sTOP.]
I - you can have one too?! Should I have offered you one...?! My manners....
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-- Iris, you're kinda freaking me out.
[ HELLO??? he goes to get her a glass of water or something???? ]
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but. liquid courage.]
... My engagement was broken off. I think - I don't know, you might've caught a glimpse of it in my memories, but I loved the same person for most of my life, and then he ended up publicly breaking off our engagement in favor of a girl he met at the academy. It was public, and brutal. [and the date auction felt so much like that - having your love or lack thereof out there on public display for everyone to scrutinize and gawk] My brother took their side because he suffered the same infatuation with that girl, and I - I've sworn since then not to open my heart like that. Afterward, love and infatuation just felt like a sickness.
Someone here got me to agree to a nebulous date in the future - but I'm still not sure how serious they are, or if they'd truly be willing to wait. I don't even know if I'm ever going to take them up on it. I think - there's something about me that's a little broken, after all of that.
So I know it's unfair - when I act possessively toward you, or when I agree to go on a date with you. Even if it's fun and I have such a good time I forget what I was afraid of. But... it's selfish of me, when I haven't told you, and I haven't been clear that I'm not -
I'm not good at this.
[the nebulous "this" that comes with anything that isn't platonic. the way that it scares her to open up, to rely on people, to believe that they'll stay for her. the way that she doesn't think that she's enough, and yet she clearly craves company and wants his attention enough that sometimes she leans into it anyway.
but she knows the way that he reacts to her. she sees it plainly when she tries to take more and more, and he doesn't seem to mind. and it's hard, when all she feels is guilt.]
That's what I mean to say.
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he's quiet, for a long moment, after all of that, as that last bit of confusion clarifies into sense, and things click into place. ichiro looks down at the dough under his hands, for a second. ]
....gotcha. [ is what he says, at first. message heard. ] ...'m sorry, Iris. I wouldn't - [ shit, fuck, he's really glad it's not emotion share week anymore, too. the guilt curls up in the bottom of his stomach and it stays there, something snarling and heavy. it's probably been really obvious, and that he might've been causing her pain because of it is... ]
...
[ ...god, he's really been fucking up a lot this week, hasn't he? ]
...Don't - hey. It's... don't worry about it. [ reassuring takes over there, for a moment. ichiro's expression finally shifts into a hopefully reassuring smile - an it's okay, more than anything else, as he looks over at her again. ] I'm glad I could help you forget about that, for a little bit. I'm sorry that happened to you, too - that guy sounds like an asshole.
[ it sure makes a lot of things make sense! especially that tattoo.
he turns his head back to the kneading, going back to the easy, repetitive motion of it, speaking with honesty. everything about him is genuine, in the good ways, and the bad. his words are gentle, the usual conviction behind them a little less present, but only because he's trying to find his way. ] Forget about it. You're my friend, you know? And anything I've ever done for you, or whatever - it's because I care about you no matter what. It doesn't have to be like that.
[ ... ichiro doesn't really have a lot of friends, either. the last one was kuko, and that had burned him so hard he'd run from the idea. even now, he'd gotten close to beau, and this weekend, she put on her spikes and pushed him away and it knocked him on his ass way more than he's let anyone see, and now she's just back to normal.
so this... kind of follows, too, that something like this would happen, right? some patterns never change. that's the problem with having such a big heart - when things get pulled out from it, it leaves behind a wreckage in its own right.
there's a pause, and his expression twists, a little, brows knitting together, mouth pulled into a deep frown. on top of it all, the thing about this that hurts is - ]
... and ... I'm sorry, if I made you feel bad, too. Or remember that kind of feeling, or - that's all on me. If I'd known, I would've - I would've been more careful.
[ that he might have hurt iris, too.
but he's not good with delicate things, is he? ]
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[she says that so fast, so stubbornly and immediately - because that's not what she meant to suggest. it's like watching a crash happen in front of her - the way that ichiro is so quick to take the blame on himself, but she'll throw herself right into the wreckage first if it means that he doesn't think that it's all his fault. even despite her request for help, she reaches out to place a hand over his, trying to get his attention]
You haven't hurt me. Not once. I've never felt hurt, or ignored, or belittled because of you. You're good to me, Ichiro - so good that I—
[get scared of how good it could be. she's terrified to hope, and to place that much faith in anyone.]
Nothing about what I said before changes - or is even slightly different. You... You matter so much to me.
[but she can't keep trying to claim him when she's not even sure if she can follow through. she can't keep knowing how much he likes her, and how much she likes him, when she knows just as well that she might run at the first sign of trouble.
even if that trouble hasn't come.
sometimes everything in you is wired to avoid heartache and shattering, no matter how much you want someone. she wonders - if ichiro ever did hurt her, would she be able to recover?
it's terrifying to think that the answer might be no.]
So please don't apologize to me, and don't make that face. You haven't done anything wrong. I've sworn that I won't let anything hurt you, and that includes when you try to hurt yourself.
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it sort of feels like being pulled in two directions. confusing. it's fine but it's not fine, and he doesn't know how to navigate his way through this emotional minefield that iris has put up around herself without blowing the entire thing sky high. he's not the type of person to think little things like emotions are unfair ( that gets applied to things like chuuoku, things like subjugation and cruelty and all of the bad things in the world ) but for the first time, when she says all of those meaningful, sweet things, and touches his hand, he kind of gets what she means.
his hand hovers a little under hers, and then sets back down.
he can't drag iris into something that terrifies her. what the fuck kind of person would he be for that? but he can't stop, either, because she gets upset, like this - making sure he's not hurting himself, insistent. what if he's hurting her, though? doesn't that matter, too? making her so anxious she has to take a shot to even talk?
there's another pause. ]
...alright, Iris. [ and it's sweet of her to say those things, because they still make his heart squeeze and flutter like crazy, but now it comes with a fresh new feeling of guilt, too. he'll agree though - he won't apologize to her, and... will try not to make a face, either. ichiro gives her a smile, instead, maybe not quite as bright at the edges as usual, but a smile nonetheless. better than the one before, at least. ]
Like you said. Nothing's changed. I said I'd be here, so I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to worry about that.
[ what happened the last time he gave his heart away, anyway? what happened the last time he even had a friend? ]
I'm glad you told me, though. Seriously. Just... if you end up getting uncomfortable, tell me, okay? I'll back off.
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but at the same time it is unacceptable to her to walk away with any misconceptions.]
... I don't think there's anything that you could do that would make me uncomfortable either... I just - if anything, I'm terrified that I'm going to be the person who hurts you.
[perhaps - even more than she already has. because ichiro is kind, and he is sweet, and he's taking this all on himself, isn't he? even though iris is the one who has so many issues, so many troubles, that she can't even manage a basic relationship with another person.
there are people who've sworn their lives to her - and she loves them. she would do anything for them. but ichiro is different. he's not like every attendant she's had - it's different, to have someone who chooses to stay with you not out of loyalty but genuine fondness and care and... something else she might be too scared to name.]
... I'm sorry. I wish I could be a better person for you. You've done so much for me and I....
[The best way I can repay you is by letting you go.]
You're a good person, Ichiro. One of the best I've ever gotten to meet. If you resent me for my selfishness, I understand. It's not right that you have to deal with issues from an incident that happened before I ever met you.
[it's a bit of a chaotic thing, to be smart and scarred at the same time, when you're self-aware of all the ways that you hurt people without meaning to]
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but. something in his chest lurches and he responds out of instinct, first, an emphatic, immediate - ] I don't resent you.
[ how could he ever do that. there's only one person in ichiro's life that he despises, one person who has ever earned that level of his hatred, and that was after a betrayal so fierce that it's practically burnt into his bones. he can't let iris think that. he can't let her think that she's ruined anything. can't let her take on the fault for something out of her control. he's gotta be strong. ]
And - you don't have to apologize. There's nothing to apologize for - like, like you haven't done shit for me, too? Iris, stop.
[ the last part comes out a little more fiercely. it's a little funny that they're back into this. both of them desperate to keep each other from hurting, neither knowing how to fix it besides taking on all the pain alone. ] I'm not -- you make it sound like you're leaving.
[ or that he's leaving. which one's first? he knows for sure that - he knows he doesn't want to do that, no matter what.
there's a little part of him that's afraid of being left alone, too. especially right now, when it feels like he cannot do anything right, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much he struggles. it's so hard for ichiro to not be able to help, and that's all that's happened here. to have iris just - just leave, just step back and stop talking with him, stop spending time with him
(like nemu did? one day, she was just gone, and then she was a fucking missing person, and then -- )
- he doesn't know how to fix it. again. ]
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[she should apologize! she's making this harder! it's ridiculous and nonsensical and she wishes that she was capable of basic human connection but she... isn't. not in this way, at least. or at least, she seems convinced that she isn't. she looks frustrated for a moment, before she does end up a bit admonished from his scolding.
she flushes just a little bit, some mix of guilty and ashamed, before she shakes her head and then answers stubbornly in return.]
... I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere, and if you don't want me to leave, then I'll resist anything that tries to take me. [and because she did have a little to drink and she cannot un-tipsy:] It's not like I don't want to be with you.
[it's safer, when she's with him.]
... but you have to tell me if I'm too cruel.
I'm not a nice person, when there is something [or someone] I want.
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some of that lost, hurt puppy look fades away - he rolls his shoulders back a little and nods. not quite relaxed, but at least a little bit less panicked. ]
...okay. [ he will. probably. probably not? it's fine. ] You too. Promise.
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but it still doesn't make this moment any easier.]
... I think I've made it clear enough how honest I try to be with you. [even if the truth isn't very clear or simple] But... alright.
... we'll make it through this then, won't we?
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[ his smile's gentler, but it's there - there's a little confidence in that, too. of course they will. this feels like sort of a precarious position to be in at the moment, but he's holding onto everything in his life with the same precarious teetering right now, so what's one more thing to toss onto the pile. if anything, the relationship he's built up with iris is important to him, and he'll do what it takes to maintain it.
god, what a fucking week it has been. maybe pranking fall dorm with copious bread will do something for his mood? surely nothing else bad will happen this week!!
a little teasingly, to break up some of the rough mood - ] You gonna be okay to keep baking? [ with your shot? ma'am? ]
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I - you can have one too?! Should I have offered you one...?! My manners....
[IRIS]
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laughs?? what else do you do. ] I - nah, nah, I'm good. Don't really drink, anyway, you're fine.
[ it feels a little more normal, at least, as he moves to go back and start kneading the dough, again. ]
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... normally I don't either... goodness, what a strange week.
[but! the timer at the oven will go off! she'll turn to that and accept the distraction - ] Oh, the tarts are done...
[time to scurry off to get those!]
You'll still sample them for me, won't you?