[ he is!!!! damn!!! he's just pouty about it!!!! ]
Yeah. I won't either. [ but there's fondness at riku trying to reassure him. and the feeling of friendship. "friendship isn't a feeling" it is now. ] So long as there's something we can do, we'll keep going.
[ and he means that, and he's sincere, but there's definitely a little exhaustion and uhhhh big sads behind those feelings. it's fine! it's fine. ]
Right. [ ... that's too much on the same hat train, though, so: ] I've settled. I'm doing blue and black on you, and you're not allowed to complain about it.
[ he's just going to do black on himself because that's simpler ]
[Oh, right the nails. He glances back down with his eyes. The nail beds look so fucking disastrous right now, but it's fine. The black will cover it all.....just like his soul.
He huffs a laugh.]
After all that, and you're not even going to use a red. Figures. I think you just did this to paint my nails.
Maybe a little. [ teasing, ignoring that he's not even good at painting nails and it's not a hobby for him at all, and there's something a little hesitant when he picks up the brush for the black this time ] It's easier if I'm focusing on something else. This week.
[ the dirty truth is this; yamato has a lot of feelings and he is not great at concealing them in general, so it's either talking at a distance or talking while doing something else lest he expose himself. ha ha. so he'll pick up painting the nails again and ignore the incoming storm of His Own Emotions, as usual, ]
Did anyone tell you, last weekend? They narrowed down one of the killers we didn't catch to four names.
[He doesn't sound mad, not at Yamato, more... like he knows Yamato is telling him now.
But in the pit of him, some frustrated anger licks out like flames. Yeah, no one tells them anything. Or maybe, he thinks, no one tells him. Do they tell Iris? Annie? Hugo?
Then he feels ashamed thinking that way!!! His face is pinched, but he keeps his hand steady.]
[ this is why he updates riku!!!! because no one does!!! GOD
which is to say there's a bit of exasperation leaking even as he focuses on making riku's nails Less messy this go around. l... less ]
... Lux, Caleb, Taichi and me. [ oops! all fall. he really is trying to keep it under wraps, but there's some kind of [kingdom hearts voice] darkness in his feelings right now. ] To tell you the truth, I think it was Luxanna.
[ he says "i think", but there's no doubt in his mind or feelings. just. sadness? heartbreak? guilt? a lot of things! ]
I don't know what he talks about, with people. [ a little grumpily, but it's fond. secret emotionshare week is terrible. but he's back to painting ] In the Digital World, we were given these crests. They represent traits we embody, and we could draw power from those to help our Digimon grow further.
[ wow what a fascinating blue nail. does it need that much attention? probably not ]
Courage, love, knowledge, purity, sincerity, light, hope. [ gestures at himself, finally; ] Friendship. [ he changes nails, something nostalgic and wry wisping off him: ] As a kid, I didn't know what to make of it. I wanted to be someone strong, independent and reliable, so getting something like that... Well, I went with it for a long while, but I couldn't understand why someone like me would get that.
[For a few seconds, he's sort of surprised, mostly by the explanation of Yamato's world of things. Now he knows how Yamato must have felt listening to his--not that Yamato's is as complicated, just hearing the differences.
But then his expression softens some. He's thinking about Sora and the keyblade. He's thinking about his talk with Taichi under the tree, too.]
No wonder you talk my head off about friendship. [Fond teasing.] ...Keep going.
[ he's moving on to another nail, but there's something a bit sheepish when he speaks; ]
... I cut myself off from other people back then. I thought I could be fine on my own, but the truth is, I was lonely. So when I got that... I tried to work with it until I couldn't, because I thought I wasn't good enough for it. [ embarrassing. he shakes his head ] It's not like I had a great big epiphany where it made sense or anything. It's just something that resonates within us. I've had it pointed out I do a lot of things for friends.
[ basically he's a big sap who loves people and doesn't want to outright say that. and then he turns silent again for a little bit; ]
... I don't know what to do with something like this. With Lux. Of course it's better if she's stopped, if she's hurting people. For her sake and everyone else's. But the only way to do that for sure is...
[ he puts the brush back in the bottle and kind of covers his working eye with his freed hand and oh boy he was serious about doing things helping with his feelings because that is one big cloud of them choking out right now. he's sad and worried and anxious and furious! oops. ]
I can't stand it. This place. The secrets and the lies and the-- I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!
[ sorry about the yellow nail polish bottle he just threw at your wall riku ]
[gmail does not want to give me yamato notifs im losing it gmail is homophobic
The thrown bottle doesn't matter. Mostly because the feelings that started to bubble up in Yamato, out of Yamato, are familiar. He's choked on those same feelings before.
It feels like someone has somehow managed to cut him directly out of the same kind of cloth. He gets it. Other people think they aren't really emotional because they try to be logical, sensible, but that isn't true. They feel it, too. He is just as passionate as Sora, and he knows Yamato is just as passionate as Taichi. They just keep it (mostly) in because letting it out makes them feel wild and out of control.
He's careful of the nails as much as he can be, but he reaches out to curl his hand over Yamato's forearm and bring it down a bit. His other arm raises, hesitates, and then he thinks to hell with it, and pulls the arm to get Yamato to come to him. He wraps a his other arm around Yamato's shoulders. Hug!!]
I'm here. Which means you're not alone. I use to think Sora didn't know what he was talking about. He would say, "Follow your heart." And what if my heart was wrong? What if the darkness in it made it weak, or made me make a mistake.
But he's right. Your heart won't lead you wrong if you let it guide you. Whatever your heart says you should do, do that. We can figure things out along the way.
[ gmail be like stop being sad yamato you fucking loser no one cares
anyway, the good news is there's immediate remorse at breaking shit, which means he doesn't fight when riku lowers his arm or pulls him closer. his singular eye is tearing up a little, and it's hard to tell which part of what he did is responsible for the self-loathing bubbling up in his feelings. maybe all of it! maybe all of it.
the hug does seem to calm it a bit though? he relaxes a fraction and just stares down at his hands, blinking to keep the tears at bay. ]
... And if it's guiding me nowhere?
[ because that feels a bit where he's going these days. ]
Don't say that. It won't. Your heart never will. You might have to walk for a long time on the path you take, but you'll always end up right where you need to be.
[Well, he doesn't want to smear the stupid ass nail polish, so he rests his hands on Yamato's back for right now.]
Haven't you always ended up that way? All the times before, even if they were hard, you were where you needed to be. Here, too. Even though we hate it, you and I are... where we should be, for whatever reason. Maybe to meet.
You're doing what you can. You're trying, and that's enough.
[GOD. IS THIS WHAT SORA FEELS LIKE WITH HIM? He's not qualified for this. He hasn't passed his Mastery Exam yet!!!!!!! Why is he the counselor?!]
I've waited in this world forever just so I could meet you.We may be helpless against what's in store for us, but it must be because we can do something about it that we're here!
what he says, familiar and different all at once, and also partially riku's CLEAR LEAKING PANIC that seems to work to kind of snap him out of it. he's not sure he agrees right now, especially considering the circumstances, but he still knows riku's right. he wipes at his eye, taking a few shallow breaths that turn deeper, clearly focusing on calming himself down. ]
... Sorry. [ is what he settles for after a bit, leaning into the hold without thinking about it ] I shouldn't have...
[ broken down? yelled? thrown stuff? so many things. he shakes his head a little and tries to go fuck you mentally at the current bout of very unhelpful self-loathing ]
[(hxh voice) in my next life, i want to be me, and meet you again]
Don't apologize.
[He will hold Yamato while Yamato leans on him, it's fine. He thinks... this is what Sora would do for him, too. If he were spiraling, and if there was time. No. Sora would make time.
Sad, but supportive tendrils of comforting emotion reach out to tangle with the mess of Yamato's. It's turbulent. He's not good at this. His own feelings aren't much different. It's two drowning people trying to keep each other up, desperately clinging to the last piece of hopeful wood.]
We'll do it together. That's what friends do. I'm... tired of doing it alone. Aren't you? I couldn't have beaten Xemnas without Sora. And he couldn't have beaten Xemnas without me. We had to do it together.
We'll do this together. All of it. Even this right here.
he really didn't come here to break down on someone else. there's a lot of annoyance at that, at himself, because yamato's never been any good at emotional control in these circumstances, and it's always a little frustrating. so he's trying to focus on the good part-- riku trying to make him feel better and the things he's saying-- rather than anything else, like how he is the worst and making it riku's problem now too.
which, yeah, friendship, yamato, you can remember how that works sometimes. ]
... Yeah. I know. [ and then, a little more confident even if it's not all backed up by the right feelings; ] I know we will. I just...
It's what we'll have to do to get there that scares me, I guess.
[He's quiet. His emotions are as twisted up as Yamato's, but... his heart and breathing are steady and strong against Yamato's chest.
He pulls away just enough to be able to see Yamato's face. One hand rests when Yamato's neck meets the shoulder, sturdy. The other comes up to wipe the side of Yamato's face under the good eye with the heel of his thumb.]
Listen to your heart. You might not... have to do what you think you do. Killing them to stop them. Things aren't adding up, right? Caiman was different, but the others...
You have what it takes to find them instead, don't you? So catch them. You don't have to do it alone because you can do it together as a group. If that isn't enough... then do what you have to do to stop them, but don't be scared of it.
[ yamato looks away when riku wipes his face, which is fine, since he wants to look away at what he says, too. ]
... Catching them's the same, isn't it? Expulsion. [ it's still killing them, just later. he grimaces a little, feeling grim and exhausted ] I know it's what we have to do. I just... hate it. Luxanna is...
I think she might. She was worried about people targeting Byleth, this week. [ it was a big fucking tell, but. ] When we were out on that... field trip. I got to see some pretty personal stuff, from all three of them.
[ ... he does not expand on it ]
I know none of them would act if they had a choice. I just wish I could figure out why they're doing it. Maybe then there'd be another way.
[ yamato rolls his neck now that he is free of riku's yaoi hands. he stays quiet for a while as he mulls that question over ]
I don't know. With the rumor that people can become berserk and start killing, I thought maybe... But it doesn't quite fit. They found snacks, like they had a drink with Crow first. And if they had any way of knowing who's snapping before it happens, they wouldn't be working in pairs for one target and letting someone else kill.
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Yeah. I won't either. [ but there's fondness at riku trying to reassure him. and the feeling of friendship. "friendship isn't a feeling" it is now. ] So long as there's something we can do, we'll keep going.
[ and he means that, and he's sincere, but there's definitely a little exhaustion and uhhhh big sads behind those feelings. it's fine! it's fine. ]
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Even if there isn't, we'll make something we can do. If I thought any less than "we will," Sora would kill me. So we're going to.
[Even though he and Yamato are SAME HAT! on the exhaustion and big sads train.]
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[ he's just going to do black on himself because that's simpler ]
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He huffs a laugh.]
After all that, and you're not even going to use a red. Figures. I think you just did this to paint my nails.
[But he's not saying no, or pulling away so.]
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[ the dirty truth is this; yamato has a lot of feelings and he is not great at concealing them in general, so it's either talking at a distance or talking while doing something else lest he expose himself. ha ha. so he'll pick up painting the nails again and ignore the incoming storm of His Own Emotions, as usual, ]
Did anyone tell you, last weekend? They narrowed down one of the killers we didn't catch to four names.
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No.
[He doesn't sound mad, not at Yamato, more... like he knows Yamato is telling him now.
But in the pit of him, some frustrated anger licks out like flames. Yeah, no one tells them anything. Or maybe, he thinks, no one tells him. Do they tell Iris? Annie? Hugo?
Then he feels ashamed thinking that way!!! His face is pinched, but he keeps his hand steady.]
Who?
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which is to say there's a bit of exasperation leaking even as he focuses on making riku's nails Less messy this go around. l... less ]
... Lux, Caleb, Taichi and me. [ oops! all fall. he really is trying to keep it under wraps, but there's some kind of [kingdom hearts voice] darkness in his feelings right now. ] To tell you the truth, I think it was Luxanna.
[ he says "i think", but there's no doubt in his mind or feelings. just. sadness? heartbreak? guilt? a lot of things! ]
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But there isn't any wash of doubt either. Just a niggling discomfort.]
What are you going to do?
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Did Taichi ever tell you what our emails here are referencing? [ change. the subject? ]
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You put a lot of faith into Taichi telling me anything.
[Stop, don't change the subject.]
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I don't know what he talks about, with people. [ a little grumpily, but it's fond. secret emotionshare week is terrible. but he's back to painting ] In the Digital World, we were given these crests. They represent traits we embody, and we could draw power from those to help our Digimon grow further.
[ wow what a fascinating blue nail. does it need that much attention? probably not ]
Courage, love, knowledge, purity, sincerity, light, hope. [ gestures at himself, finally; ] Friendship. [ he changes nails, something nostalgic and wry wisping off him: ] As a kid, I didn't know what to make of it. I wanted to be someone strong, independent and reliable, so getting something like that... Well, I went with it for a long while, but I couldn't understand why someone like me would get that.
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But then his expression softens some. He's thinking about Sora and the keyblade. He's thinking about his talk with Taichi under the tree, too.]
No wonder you talk my head off about friendship. [Fond teasing.] ...Keep going.
Did you ever find out why?
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... I cut myself off from other people back then. I thought I could be fine on my own, but the truth is, I was lonely. So when I got that... I tried to work with it until I couldn't, because I thought I wasn't good enough for it. [ embarrassing. he shakes his head ] It's not like I had a great big epiphany where it made sense or anything. It's just something that resonates within us. I've had it pointed out I do a lot of things for friends.
[ basically he's a big sap who loves people and doesn't want to outright say that. and then he turns silent again for a little bit; ]
... I don't know what to do with something like this. With Lux. Of course it's better if she's stopped, if she's hurting people. For her sake and everyone else's. But the only way to do that for sure is...
[ he puts the brush back in the bottle and kind of covers his working eye with his freed hand and oh boy he was serious about doing things helping with his feelings because that is one big cloud of them choking out right now. he's sad and worried and anxious and furious! oops. ]
I can't stand it. This place. The secrets and the lies and the-- I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!
[ sorry about the yellow nail polish bottle he just threw at your wall riku ]
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The thrown bottle doesn't matter. Mostly because the feelings that started to bubble up in Yamato, out of Yamato, are familiar. He's choked on those same feelings before.
It feels like someone has somehow managed to cut him directly out of the same kind of cloth. He gets it. Other people think they aren't really emotional because they try to be logical, sensible, but that isn't true. They feel it, too. He is just as passionate as Sora, and he knows Yamato is just as passionate as Taichi. They just keep it (mostly) in because letting it out makes them feel wild and out of control.
He's careful of the nails as much as he can be, but he reaches out to curl his hand over Yamato's forearm and bring it down a bit. His other arm raises, hesitates, and then he thinks to hell with it, and pulls the arm to get Yamato to come to him. He wraps a his other arm around Yamato's shoulders. Hug!!]
I'm here. Which means you're not alone. I use to think Sora didn't know what he was talking about. He would say, "Follow your heart." And what if my heart was wrong? What if the darkness in it made it weak, or made me make a mistake.
But he's right. Your heart won't lead you wrong if you let it guide you. Whatever your heart says you should do, do that. We can figure things out along the way.
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anyway, the good news is there's immediate remorse at breaking shit, which means he doesn't fight when riku lowers his arm or pulls him closer. his singular eye is tearing up a little, and it's hard to tell which part of what he did is responsible for the self-loathing bubbling up in his feelings. maybe all of it! maybe all of it.
the hug does seem to calm it a bit though? he relaxes a fraction and just stares down at his hands, blinking to keep the tears at bay. ]
... And if it's guiding me nowhere?
[ because that feels a bit where he's going these days. ]
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[Well, he doesn't want to smear the stupid ass nail polish, so he rests his hands on Yamato's back for right now.]
Haven't you always ended up that way? All the times before, even if they were hard, you were where you needed to be. Here, too. Even though we hate it, you and I are... where we should be, for whatever reason. Maybe to meet.
You're doing what you can. You're trying, and that's enough.
[GOD. IS THIS WHAT SORA FEELS LIKE WITH HIM? He's not qualified for this. He hasn't passed his Mastery Exam yet!!!!!!! Why is he the counselor?!]
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I've waited in this world forever just so I could meet you. We may be helpless against what's in store for us, but it must be because we can do something about it that we're here!
what he says, familiar and different all at once, and also partially riku's CLEAR LEAKING PANIC that seems to work to kind of snap him out of it. he's not sure he agrees right now, especially considering the circumstances, but he still knows riku's right. he wipes at his eye, taking a few shallow breaths that turn deeper, clearly focusing on calming himself down. ]
... Sorry. [ is what he settles for after a bit, leaning into the hold without thinking about it ] I shouldn't have...
[ broken down? yelled? thrown stuff? so many things. he shakes his head a little and tries to go fuck you mentally at the current bout of very unhelpful self-loathing ]
I didn't come here to throw it all on you.
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Don't apologize.
[He will hold Yamato while Yamato leans on him, it's fine. He thinks... this is what Sora would do for him, too. If he were spiraling, and if there was time. No. Sora would make time.
Sad, but supportive tendrils of comforting emotion reach out to tangle with the mess of Yamato's. It's turbulent. He's not good at this. His own feelings aren't much different. It's two drowning people trying to keep each other up, desperately clinging to the last piece of hopeful wood.]
We'll do it together. That's what friends do. I'm... tired of doing it alone. Aren't you? I couldn't have beaten Xemnas without Sora. And he couldn't have beaten Xemnas without me. We had to do it together.
We'll do this together. All of it. Even this right here.
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he really didn't come here to break down on someone else. there's a lot of annoyance at that, at himself, because yamato's never been any good at emotional control in these circumstances, and it's always a little frustrating. so he's trying to focus on the good part-- riku trying to make him feel better and the things he's saying-- rather than anything else, like how he is the worst and making it riku's problem now too.
which, yeah, friendship, yamato, you can remember how that works sometimes. ]
... Yeah. I know. [ and then, a little more confident even if it's not all backed up by the right feelings; ] I know we will. I just...
It's what we'll have to do to get there that scares me, I guess.
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He pulls away just enough to be able to see Yamato's face. One hand rests when Yamato's neck meets the shoulder, sturdy. The other comes up to wipe the side of Yamato's face under the good eye with the heel of his thumb.]
Listen to your heart. You might not... have to do what you think you do. Killing them to stop them. Things aren't adding up, right? Caiman was different, but the others...
You have what it takes to find them instead, don't you? So catch them. You don't have to do it alone because you can do it together as a group. If that isn't enough... then do what you have to do to stop them, but don't be scared of it.
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... Catching them's the same, isn't it? Expulsion. [ it's still killing them, just later. he grimaces a little, feeling grim and exhausted ] I know it's what we have to do. I just... hate it. Luxanna is...
[ ... ]
She's a friend. That always makes it harder.
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[He gets it. The frustration. The anger at the unfairness. His hand lowers.]
You think you know where they are, right? Afterward. That's a start. And the auction item. Sally's. What it can do. That's a start, too.
It'd be worse if it were easy, Yamato. We don't want that to ever be easy. I'll share the responsibility with you. I'll share the burden.
I think Luxanna would understand. When I've talked to her... She's big about justice. In your shoes, I don't know if she would hesitate.
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I think she might. She was worried about people targeting Byleth, this week. [ it was a big fucking tell, but. ] When we were out on that... field trip. I got to see some pretty personal stuff, from all three of them.
[ ... he does not expand on it ]
I know none of them would act if they had a choice. I just wish I could figure out why they're doing it. Maybe then there'd be another way.
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[He sighs, not condescendingly, but tiredly. He doesn't know the things Yamato saw. He just knows how he is, how that then can make Fall. Too similar.
He brings his hand back to himself finally so it doesn't weigh so heavily on Yamato's shoulder and neck.]
Why do you think they're doing it? What does killing have in common with everything else you've seen happen?
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I don't know. With the rumor that people can become berserk and start killing, I thought maybe... But it doesn't quite fit. They found snacks, like they had a drink with Crow first. And if they had any way of knowing who's snapping before it happens, they wouldn't be working in pairs for one target and letting someone else kill.
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