[ stop don't talk about loan sharks his tragic backstory
anyway. he nods along to that, and leans back a little further, giving her a smaller smile. it's not quite relaxed, really, not quite bright, but that's okay. maybe it's a step in the right direction. ]
We could pick up on that side scroller we were working on. Beat up some monsters. [ take out a little frustration. forget the world for a minute. do anything that isn't what he was doing, restlessly, listlessly trying to handle the weight of his own heart. it might be nice just to set it aside for a couple hours with someone who's become impossibly important to ichiro - with someone who he knows is suffering, too.
maybe he's not the type to pursue, dramatically, confidently, but he's patient and kind, and maybe that's important, too. ]
[ . . . . she just sighs at that, nodding. she opens her eyes then and shifts, gathering her hair in her hands and moving it behind her shoulders if only to give her hands something to do. slowly, like she's uncurling after being stationary and coiled up tight for - well, a few hours. maybe longer than that.]
I suppose we could. Do you want to head toward the Game Room - or would you like me to bring it to us?
[she probably can't summon a whole tv but she can get a little screen for them to play on since it was probably on the switch]
going to snap her fingers and summon up a small screen, the switch, and two of their controllers. it's going to open up automatically to their side scroller, and she's going to offer one of the controllers out to ichiro.]
Oh. [ he says, kind of stupidly, and then just - snorts and shakes his head at his own foolishness, taking the controller from her. ] ...right, yeah. You’re amazing.
[ he already knew that, though! duh. they can get settled together and do some mindless gaming - beat the snot out of some monsters in soothing colors. maybe even just vibe and play animal crossing after too I’m not gonna make you rp through playing video games, but. he’s attentive to the game, and to iris, alike, from where’s he’s settled down - caretaking in his own right, because that shit never stops. ]
I'm sure you say that to every girl who can hand you video games on a silver platter.
[plainly. she's not going to be won over with pretty words, silly boy.
but regardless - it's video game time!! she will play with him, and... well. it's hard to say whether or not she truly eases much. there's still a lot of tension that she's carrying with her, but this gives her something else to do....
. . . . . though even as they wait for a loading screen - she will let her head rest against his shoulder on the non-injured side. and then, idly:]
.... if you volunteer to get hit at any point again, know I will be the next to personally cause you bodily injury.
[iris: is a sweetheart also iris: chooses violence]
[ that’s the thing they’re not even pretty words they’re just genuine.
anyway. is she choosing violence with resting her head on his shoulder or the threat. both? both. video games are very nice, but it doesn’t help relax him all that much either - honestly it’s just the company that does any real good. he’s hitting a save point when she says that and he doesn’t quite flinch but definitely freezes, guiltily.
busted. ]
.... haha... [ sweats ] Yeah...Think that was probably the curse talking...? That was pretty dumb, huh.
[genuine words that she reads as pretty flattery! oh miss iris who hurt you (we know exactly who hurt her)
but regardless she's just going to keep her eyes on the screen for now, and that's her sense of mercy to him. she sees for a bit.]
.... as long as it was the curse. If I hear of you attempting the same next week just because I won't be there, please know how much trouble you will be in.
[she is so quick to give out these threats i swear to god]
but the threats are admittedly fine. he probably needs someone to look after his more dumbass protagonist tendencies, especially considering he ran into a burning building on friday.
it feels like his decisions are about to become a lot more informed too, but he doesn't say anything about that for now, just absently flicking through some of the menus on the game. it's kind of hard to do this one handed, which is a reminder, in its own right. ]
...I try to. [ genuinely, ichiro does. even still, he can't not think about the field trip - about running into that fight, about jumping into trouble, over and over. much of it was instinct, the fierce desire to protect people, and thinking about what he knows, now... his voice softens a little, brows furrowing, a little quietly frustrated. ] 'm just - I'm tired of watching other people get hurt.
I probably could've... maybe... I probably could've gotten less fucked up on Thursday. [ and his heart just aches as he says so. admitting to his own stupidity is one thing, an always humbling experience, and logically, ichiro knows that field trip probably should have killed him. hope saved his life, and kept him from losing his arm.
...but he can't even look mabel in the eyes right now, and that has nothing to do with the curse. ] I was too reckless. [ and not nearly protective enough, either. ] ...'m sorry for worrying you so much.
[ . . . she listens quietly to his explanation, even though her gaze does not leave the screen. he toggles through the menu screens and she listens to the soft sound effects in the background before she speaks.]
... I forgive you. There are moments in which your body will move before your brain can catch it - and you're stronger than I am. You likely felt like you could endure more, no? ... If it's for Mabel, or another child, I would have - and already have - done the same.
[even if it upsets her to hear - she's the type of person to charge outside and face debt collectors head on despite having guards around? even for as much as it upset her... she doesn't want to be unfair when she probably would scare him about three times over, because she also has the strength of a noodle.
. . . but it reminds her a little bit, of what she's angry over. she closes her eyes then.]
... but if you're tired of watching other people get hurt, then please understand this -
[she hesitates, like she's not sure if she even wants to speak, but eventually she does - her voice soft as if it will cushion her complaints]
I am so tired of losing. I... am so tired of our family growing, only to lose more of them. Perhaps I am in no position to complain when Annie's dorm is as it is but I - [ . . . ] In my home, I am ready to go to war to protect my fief. But here, I cannot protect eleven people.
[her hands fall from the controller, they curl in her lap, her fingernails pressing crescent-shaped indents into her palms.]
So - please... It must sound selfish, and arrogant of me to make such a demand but... I don't want to lose you. Even if only for that - please don't go rushing into danger.
[ it comes up over and over - ichiro's favorite thing about iris, above all, is how much she loves her home, because in that right, they are exactly the same. the pain that iris is feeling, the anger she's feeling, are the same ones that have been haunting ichiro every day that they've been here, too. the one he broke down over on monday, frustrated and upset and angry that he couldn't do anything.
he's so used to being the protector. it's not just his job as a division leader, but his passion - protecting the little guy is what he has always lived for, no matter who that might be. even in the worst moments of his life, it's been his guiding light. watching adora just die, and finding leo's dead body on the field - that shit just burns him up inside. they've been able to fill up winter with other people as they've lost them, but each loss is so, so personal. each one hurts. and how bad it must be for iris, who is by all technicalities, the one who leads them, the one who finally came to see this place as a home?
he stops fiddling with the controls and just looks at her. affected, eyes full of his empathy, of the pain and anger of his own when she talks. for home. for their home. ]
...I'll try my best. That, I can promise.
[ i'll protect them. now, with this new responsibility placed firmly on his shoulders, he finally has a chance to, in the worst way possible. it's almost poetic - at the beginning of this place, he'd been struggling with his inability to anything but hurt people to help them, and that's going to be what has to happen. but he's going to advocate for his winters. ichiro is going to try and protect them, try to save everyone. he's going to hold onto this guilt and this burden and he is going to do something. he's not going to be the reason that iris has to be so, so angry, so hurt. he can't be. ]
...when I was in there, there was a minute when I thought I was going to die. [ he knows that little fact probably doesn't help, but. there's a point to saying it, so ichiro continues on quickly. ] At the end, something opened up all of our injuries, and I knew if I lost consciousness, I was - it was gonna be over.
... but, I made myself get up. [ like he couldn't, when samatoki went to press that switch. a cruel trick of chuuoku or not, he thinks about that moment of his life frequently. thinks about how his own weakness could have gotten his brothers killed.
there's a determined flint in his eyes as he finishes - his good hand tightens around the controller. ] I thought about my brothers, and I thought about the dorm, and I thought about you, and - I got up, and made it home.
I'm never going to get into a situation where I can't get up, again. If people are depending on me, then I'm gonna do everything it takes to make it back to them, no matter what. I'm gonna live. And I'm gonna set this place right, too, and get our family back.
[ he's gonna break down that wall, or - there is no or. he's just going to do it. ]
[ . . . . there's probably no helping that flash of anger when he talks about his injuries. the way that her eyes snap open and she looks to him, looking over his face, understanding slowly exactly where all the bloody managed to come from. looking at his injured side, a frown etching itself on her mouth as a cold rage settles over her expression.
right.
. . . .
he made it home.
that reminder, those words, manages to get her to breathe a slow, controlled breath out as she closes her eyes again. there is always something about her that acts out of spite, that will reach for cruel solutions rather than kind ones, but - it is tempered by her logic, by her attempt at restraint. ichiro is here, and he is home.
. . . . she presses her face against his shoulder for a moment. a reminder that he is here, next to her, even if she cannot be so bold as to reach for his hand or hold him close.]
.... I'm going to lose you eventually. [it's inevitable when they're all meant to go home. she knows that is when she will lose the attention of everyone here, even if she will hold their friendships close.] ... but until that day, please keep coming home. We're going to be waiting for you.
[ look, if she could go fight tanaka-san he would let it happen. tanaka-san deserves to be punched in the nose. alas, that is not the case.
ichiro watches her react to it with a similar twinge of empathy, if only because the way she tempers back feels familiar, too. a part of him is a little bit envious of the way she can pack it back in like that, because that's a skill ichiro's never really gotten to learn. his emotions have always been too loud, and his anger was always the loudest.
as she turns her face into his shoulder, he starts to set the controller down. he's not sure if he can reach out once he does, and his hand hesitates just briefly in midair, instead, but he listens to her words.
please keep coming home. with what he's now agreed to do... ]
... I will.
[ and then, he loops back around to the beginning, because that made something twinge in his chest, too. the idea of forgetting about the people who he became close to here, and just disappearing - it's so close to home.
(one day, everything was fine, and the next, kuko was furious, and hated him, and then - he was gone. sasara, too - they weren't as close, but he left out of thin air. nemu, gone missing. no closure. no goodbyes. nothing.) ]
...that paper that Dimitri and Caleb-san brought back said we'd be able to do what we talked about - move from world to world, see each other. [ he turns to face her a little further on the chaise now, too, controller abandoned. there's a sincerity to his words that's almost fierce, here. ] Do you think I'm just gonna forget about you? Iris, how could I?
[ . . . . . ? she peers up at him then, brow furrowing.]
... I don't think you'll forget. I think everyone here is too kind to forget.
[they'll reach out to each other, and they'll be friends. they'll probably talk for the rest of their lives. but - ]
But you have your brothers, and you have Ikebukuro. Perhaps, if someone wishes for it, or if we're able to win Dorm Wars, we'll see each other now and again but....
[she tilts her head]
We're going in different directions. Winter will exist as a concept, but we'll probably leave it all behind in practice. You won't be mine anymore.
[this possessiveness and intensity that she feels - she won't have any right to it anymore.]
That's... [ ... this time, that hand that hovers a little stops. he's the one to reach out, but it's gentle, and if her hand is close enough, he'll very gently cover it with his. the fierce sincerity in his voice remains. ]
- Different directions, or not, that kind of stuff doesn't just leave you.
[ it's something he believes so honestly - something he knows. he's glad she knows he wouldn't forget, at least, but to call somewhere home and then just to set it aside sounds impossible, especially when it's something so large as what this place has done to them. for ichiro to call something home isn't a small gesture, because his beloved ikebukuro is his love and his life, but isn't his heart big enough for two? he'll gather up every world he has to in his arms and hold them, to keep these important threads together, to look out for these people who have become his family, because to ichiro yamada, home and family are sometimes more than blood.
he gets the distinction. he does. he knows that maybe logically iris is just trying to prepare herself for what must feel inevitable, because - after this long, ichiro knows her.
... but god, he just wants to prove that perceived inevitability wrong. that's what he does. especially for something like this.
ichiro, always, is heartfelt, achingly, achingly sincere. ] ... I'm always gonna be yours.
[it's probably - a little comedic? she allows the touch of his hand on hers, she doesn't mind it. but then as he speaks, and he says those words to her - it feels a little like her heart stopping. the whole world pauses. her eyes widen and her breath gets caught in her throat. her heart lurches painfully in her chest and she thinks that the idea of having your heart skip a beat may sound romantic but oh god it's painful.
(which is so much of what iris thinks about love.)
she straightens up then, no longer leaning on him, and she leans back. her hand underneath his twitches like she wants to pull back there too but - she doesn't want to hurt him. she doesn't.
but her voice is soft, cautious and terrified -
(of what? what is she scared of? that he might be lying to her? or that he might be telling the truth? which feels more cruel, at this point?)]
... you shouldn't say things like that to someone like me.
[ ah - it happened, again. it's funny. he doesn't really mean to - ichiro just is sincere. there's nothing that's meant about it that's meant to be desperately romantic or anything of the like, because the love that he feels for other people is so massive that he can barely contain it. when she pulls back, though, he realizes. he feels her hand twitch.
is it even okay to say things like that? (is he making it worse?)
like this, his first instinct is to back off. like it had been when they talked at the beginning of the week. (you haven't hurt me, she said.) ichiro isn't smart enough to navigate these seas the way he should, maybe, or maybe he just doesn't know how to understand them. iris says things to him that are so similar, things like you matter so much to me, and he wants to return the favor, but can't find a way to do so that doesn't terrify her. how do you care for someone that's terrified of being cared for? how do you give something back to someone who's given you so, so much, when their first instinct is to run? beyond any romantic feelings, that is where he gets stuck.
there's a moment where it looks like ichiro wants to pull back, too. his expression shifts between a few emotions - worry, at first, concern for the waver of terror in her voice, then realization, then something vulnerable and unsure - and he opens his mouth and then closes it, fingers shifting a little too like he's going to let go.
... he doesn't, though.
there's a lot he could say here. things like i know what kind of person you are or i wish i could help you see the kind of person we all know you are.
... ]
... I don't say things I don't mean. [ he never has. a lover and a fighter, ichiro yamada. genuine to his core. it's why this place has caused him so much trouble. ] It's important to me. That's all.
[ if she's so terrified after that, though, he'll start to pull back a little. ]
[you're lying is the first accusation she wants to make.
but she holds her tongue, she bites it nearly to the point of bleeding, because no matter her trauma, she never wants to be cruel to the people who matter to her. she doesn't want to accuse ichiro of lying when he has mentioned time and time again he hates liars. similarly, she does not want to lie to him - she doesn't know what to say when her primary emotion is disbelief.
that can't be true. it won't be true. he will not always be hers, because he has other people to look after. and perhaps it would be one thing if she only had to share with his family, with his city - but ichiro is loving and deserving of love. he will belong to another, and she cannot be such a cruel person as to grow jealous or unhappy when that time comes.
words like this only lure her into a dream that she refuses to believe in.]
.... you're important to me. But I -
I'm a selfish person. I don't like to let go, or lose. And yet for all that you offer me, I don't how much I can give you in return. I... can't give myself away to anyone.
[he might be hers, but she doesn't know if she'll ever have the courage to promise that she's his in return]
.... I'll always care for you, and if there is ever anything in the world that I could grant you, I hope that you'll ask it of me.
But... I don't want you to tie yourself to someone who can't give you what you deserve.
well. maybe not so similarly. it's not an accusation, and he doesn't keep it quiet. ]
... I'm not tying myself to anything, and - I'm not asking you to give yourself away, either. You belong to you. [ which is a stupid sentence and he knows it is but that's okay. it's too late. we're already here. ] 's not about - feelings, or, anything like that, either. Past that, you matter to me, and I care about you, too. And if I can ever give you anything, it's yours - or, at least, I'm gonna try really hard to get it to you, too.
[ he's not particularly magical or special or amazing in that regard, so there are some things that are beyond out of his reach, but ichiro will still try. ] None of that has anything to do with anything except that I care about you. It doesn't have to be romantic, or anything. And... it's not a transaction, you know? I don't need anything in return - and like earlier...
[ with the little trick with the cocoa, one of the few things that happened today that cheered him back to his almost normal state, ] ... If you really want to give me something in return, then you just being happy, and taking care of yourself, no matter what you're doing - that's good enough for me.
[ because ultimately, feelings are messy, and complicated, and he knows iris is terrified of them. but his love's not just romantic. it's unconditional, vast, patient, kind, and maybe the best thing about him. ] I don't need you to be mine. I just want you to be happy. It's more than enough.
[ . . . . she was lectured, not too long before she got here. when she was terrified of her own people, scared of the backlash that she thought she rightly deserved at the time. but then there was someone who lectured her, who told her not to be so dense, and to realize that she was well-loved. that she works hard, and that it's alright for her to be loved in return. that there are things that she does that are worthwhile.
what ichiro says now feels a little bit like that. the way that her heart aches from the warmth of this scolding, and how he insists that it is simply because he cares about her - not tied to what she does, or who she is. it's scary, to think that there might be a loyalty that is not tied to hierarchy, that is not tied to deeds, or what she can provide. it's so much that it's nearly impossible for her to believe in it.
only nearly.
ichiro is real, and he is in front of her, and he is so certain that it sounds like it could be true.
her free hand wraps around herself, curls into the fabric of her sleeve, and her expression crumples just a bit into something bewildered, touched, and - so emotional that her eyes shine with tears that she's not even aware of. a few fall without her permission.]
... I don't - know what to say.
[she's touched. she's so happy. she's embarrassed. she's scared - but she feels so warm even more than that.]
[ oh god - he's kind of an idiot, sometimes, too, unfortunately. so when he sees tears he feels a little swoop of oh god oh no oh fuck and makes a fussy noise, starting to move like he's going to wipe them away? only his left hand is occupied and his right hand is still basically useless so he just sort of hangs there for a second. ]
Ah - oh, shit, I didn't mean to make you cry... [ smooth move nerd.
... he kind of laughs, a little, after though? almost helplessly, quietly, because he did recognize that she seemed touched among all of that, too, and because sometimes he also just gets all sorts of flustered around iris and does dumb shit like trying to wipe her face with a broken arm. it's funny, kind of, in the helpless, sweet way moments like this only really can be.
ichiro shakes his head, though, ducking in a little bit to finally pull his hand free for real to actually reach up and wipe a tear or two away with his thumb, if iris will let him. ] You don't have to say anything. 's okay, Iris. I just - want to make sure you know.
this feels... so silly. it's ridiculous, how after being so tightly wound in anger for so long, the first sound that escapes her afterward is a laugh. she laughs, weakly but sincerely, and doesn't fight it when he tries to wipe away her tears. she sniffs, a little embarrassed even as other tears fall from her eyes and she just tries to brush her bangs out of the way because she feels so embarrassed.]
... I'm happy, you know. [and she sounds sincere when she says it - but there's also something disbelieving in her tone.] I'm so happy... even when I don't think that I have any right to be.
I wish you'd treasure yourself more, Ichiro, or keep some of yourself so you don't give it away to everyone... I really - don't know what to do with your kindness, or what I've done to deserve it.
But... I'm crying because I don't know what I've done to deserve you. It's - one of the better reasons I've had to shed a few tears lately.
[to do so from joy and gratitude that fills her heart so much that it overflows from the eyes, rather than heartbreak]
[ nnnoooo stop he only has one hand to wipe your tears!!! aaaa
its good to hear her laugh, though - a smile breaks out past any of ichiro's worry, and he scooches a little closer so he can wipe her face more properly, still gently fussy, but it's impossible not to smile through it, at the silliness of it all.
and at the sincerity to iris's happiness. that tone of voice, her smile, that makes his heart do a backflip in his chest. it's so good to see her that happy, to see some of the tension from before start to loosen, and it just - it's like he said. ichiro just wanted to see her happy.
he huffs a little laugh, at first, too, still cleaning up the last stray tears, and just smiling at her. warm, gentle. happy, too, almost boyish. ichiro doesn't really know if he's worth "deserving" of anything, but... ]
... Iris, I could write you a list about all the stuff you've done for us and it would be longer than the JR. [ just saying. us in this case, especially - winter dorm, but all of the people here. the living, the dead.
with the last tear seemingly cleaned up for now, he pauses, and just leaves his hand resting against her cheek. ]
...but at least for me, all you've really had to do was be you, you know. [ the girl he's gotten to know. viola, at first, but iris - he likes iris so much better. he likes the way she smiles at him, he likes her sharpness, the way it seems like she'd crush her enemies under her heel, sure - but most of all, the thing he likes the most about iris is that she cares so, so deeply for her people, and the things that matter to her, and that, from viola to iris, has never, ever changed. ] I think you can feel however the hell you want to feel. Happy's a good place to start.
[ . . . she wonders if that's true. there's something in her expression that makes her brow furrow in disbelief again, but - she really doesn't want to do him the disservice of assuming his lying. not when his sincerity is so overwhelming.
so instead she just lets her cheek rest a little bit more into his touch, leaning into it just a bit, for just a moment.]
... you make me want to be so greedy sometimes.
[when she is a person who is embarrassed and flustered by attention, but at the same time craves it. when she wants to be loved, even when she knows for certain that she doesn't deserve to be.
. . . . ]
I think you get a side of me that is kinder, softer than what I deliver to the rest of the world. I wonder if you'll still say that it's fine if I'm me, or it's fine however I feel, if you know how cruel and vindictive I can feel at times....
But it's hard - when you make me feel so happy. Like I want to be a little better than I am.
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anyway. he nods along to that, and leans back a little further, giving her a smaller smile. it's not quite relaxed, really, not quite bright, but that's okay. maybe it's a step in the right direction. ]
We could pick up on that side scroller we were working on. Beat up some monsters. [ take out a little frustration. forget the world for a minute. do anything that isn't what he was doing, restlessly, listlessly trying to handle the weight of his own heart. it might be nice just to set it aside for a couple hours with someone who's become impossibly important to ichiro - with someone who he knows is suffering, too.
maybe he's not the type to pursue, dramatically, confidently, but he's patient and kind, and maybe that's important, too. ]
no subject
I suppose we could. Do you want to head toward the Game Room - or would you like me to bring it to us?
[she probably can't summon a whole tv but she can get a little screen for them to play on since it was probably on the switch]
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[ stupid ]
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[she is just
going to snap her fingers and summon up a small screen, the switch, and two of their controllers. it's going to open up automatically to their side scroller, and she's going to offer one of the controllers out to ichiro.]
Does this work?
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Oh. [ he says, kind of stupidly, and then just - snorts and shakes his head at his own foolishness, taking the controller from her. ] ...right, yeah. You’re amazing.
[ he already knew that, though! duh. they can get settled together and do some mindless gaming - beat the snot out of some monsters in soothing colors. maybe even just vibe and play animal crossing after too I’m not gonna make you rp through playing video games, but. he’s attentive to the game, and to iris, alike, from where’s he’s settled down - caretaking in his own right, because that shit never stops. ]
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[plainly. she's not going to be won over with pretty words, silly boy.
but regardless - it's video game time!! she will play with him, and... well. it's hard to say whether or not she truly eases much. there's still a lot of tension that she's carrying with her, but this gives her something else to do....
. . . . . though even as they wait for a loading screen - she will let her head rest against his shoulder on the non-injured side. and then, idly:]
.... if you volunteer to get hit at any point again, know I will be the next to personally cause you bodily injury.
[iris: is a sweetheart
also iris: chooses violence]
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anyway. is she choosing violence with resting her head on his shoulder or the threat. both? both. video games are very nice, but it doesn’t help relax him all that much either - honestly it’s just the company that does any real good. he’s hitting a save point when she says that and he doesn’t quite flinch but definitely freezes, guiltily.
busted. ]
.... haha... [ sweats ] Yeah...Think that was probably the curse talking...? That was pretty dumb, huh.
[ please get mandi some therapy ]
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but regardless she's just going to keep her eyes on the screen for now, and that's her sense of mercy to him. she sees for a bit.]
.... as long as it was the curse. If I hear of you attempting the same next week just because I won't be there, please know how much trouble you will be in.
[she is so quick to give out these threats i swear to god]
I just want you to make informed decisions.
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but the threats are admittedly fine. he probably needs someone to look after his more dumbass protagonist tendencies, especially considering he ran into a burning building on friday.
it feels like his decisions are about to become a lot more informed too, but he doesn't say anything about that for now, just absently flicking through some of the menus on the game. it's kind of hard to do this one handed, which is a reminder, in its own right. ]
...I try to. [ genuinely, ichiro does. even still, he can't not think about the field trip - about running into that fight, about jumping into trouble, over and over. much of it was instinct, the fierce desire to protect people, and thinking about what he knows, now... his voice softens a little, brows furrowing, a little quietly frustrated. ] 'm just - I'm tired of watching other people get hurt.
I probably could've... maybe... I probably could've gotten less fucked up on Thursday. [ and his heart just aches as he says so. admitting to his own stupidity is one thing, an always humbling experience, and logically, ichiro knows that field trip probably should have killed him. hope saved his life, and kept him from losing his arm.
...but he can't even look mabel in the eyes right now, and that has nothing to do with the curse. ] I was too reckless. [ and not nearly protective enough, either. ] ...'m sorry for worrying you so much.
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... I forgive you. There are moments in which your body will move before your brain can catch it - and you're stronger than I am. You likely felt like you could endure more, no? ... If it's for Mabel, or another child, I would have - and already have - done the same.
[even if it upsets her to hear - she's the type of person to charge outside and face debt collectors head on despite having guards around? even for as much as it upset her... she doesn't want to be unfair when she probably would scare him about three times over, because she also has the strength of a noodle.
. . . but it reminds her a little bit, of what she's angry over. she closes her eyes then.]
... but if you're tired of watching other people get hurt, then please understand this -
[she hesitates, like she's not sure if she even wants to speak, but eventually she does - her voice soft as if it will cushion her complaints]
I am so tired of losing. I... am so tired of our family growing, only to lose more of them. Perhaps I am in no position to complain when Annie's dorm is as it is but I - [ . . . ] In my home, I am ready to go to war to protect my fief. But here, I cannot protect eleven people.
[her hands fall from the controller, they curl in her lap, her fingernails pressing crescent-shaped indents into her palms.]
So - please... It must sound selfish, and arrogant of me to make such a demand but... I don't want to lose you. Even if only for that - please don't go rushing into danger.
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he's so used to being the protector. it's not just his job as a division leader, but his passion - protecting the little guy is what he has always lived for, no matter who that might be. even in the worst moments of his life, it's been his guiding light. watching adora just die, and finding leo's dead body on the field - that shit just burns him up inside. they've been able to fill up winter with other people as they've lost them, but each loss is so, so personal. each one hurts. and how bad it must be for iris, who is by all technicalities, the one who leads them, the one who finally came to see this place as a home?
he stops fiddling with the controls and just looks at her. affected, eyes full of his empathy, of the pain and anger of his own when she talks. for home. for their home. ]
...I'll try my best. That, I can promise.
[ i'll protect them. now, with this new responsibility placed firmly on his shoulders, he finally has a chance to, in the worst way possible. it's almost poetic - at the beginning of this place, he'd been struggling with his inability to anything but hurt people to help them, and that's going to be what has to happen. but he's going to advocate for his winters. ichiro is going to try and protect them, try to save everyone. he's going to hold onto this guilt and this burden and he is going to do something. he's not going to be the reason that iris has to be so, so angry, so hurt. he can't be. ]
...when I was in there, there was a minute when I thought I was going to die. [ he knows that little fact probably doesn't help, but. there's a point to saying it, so ichiro continues on quickly. ] At the end, something opened up all of our injuries, and I knew if I lost consciousness, I was - it was gonna be over.
... but, I made myself get up. [ like he couldn't, when samatoki went to press that switch. a cruel trick of chuuoku or not, he thinks about that moment of his life frequently. thinks about how his own weakness could have gotten his brothers killed.
there's a determined flint in his eyes as he finishes - his good hand tightens around the controller. ] I thought about my brothers, and I thought about the dorm, and I thought about you, and - I got up, and made it home.
I'm never going to get into a situation where I can't get up, again. If people are depending on me, then I'm gonna do everything it takes to make it back to them, no matter what. I'm gonna live. And I'm gonna set this place right, too, and get our family back.
[ he's gonna break down that wall, or - there is no or. he's just going to do it. ]
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right.
. . . .
he made it home.
that reminder, those words, manages to get her to breathe a slow, controlled breath out as she closes her eyes again. there is always something about her that acts out of spite, that will reach for cruel solutions rather than kind ones, but - it is tempered by her logic, by her attempt at restraint. ichiro is here, and he is home.
. . . . she presses her face against his shoulder for a moment. a reminder that he is here, next to her, even if she cannot be so bold as to reach for his hand or hold him close.]
.... I'm going to lose you eventually. [it's inevitable when they're all meant to go home. she knows that is when she will lose the attention of everyone here, even if she will hold their friendships close.] ... but until that day, please keep coming home. We're going to be waiting for you.
[I need you to come home.]
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ichiro watches her react to it with a similar twinge of empathy, if only because the way she tempers back feels familiar, too. a part of him is a little bit envious of the way she can pack it back in like that, because that's a skill ichiro's never really gotten to learn. his emotions have always been too loud, and his anger was always the loudest.
as she turns her face into his shoulder, he starts to set the controller down. he's not sure if he can reach out once he does, and his hand hesitates just briefly in midair, instead, but he listens to her words.
please keep coming home. with what he's now agreed to do... ]
... I will.
[ and then, he loops back around to the beginning, because that made something twinge in his chest, too. the idea of forgetting about the people who he became close to here, and just disappearing - it's so close to home.
(one day, everything was fine, and the next, kuko was furious, and hated him, and then - he was gone. sasara, too - they weren't as close, but he left out of thin air. nemu, gone missing. no closure. no goodbyes. nothing.) ]
...that paper that Dimitri and Caleb-san brought back said we'd be able to do what we talked about - move from world to world, see each other. [ he turns to face her a little further on the chaise now, too, controller abandoned. there's a sincerity to his words that's almost fierce, here. ] Do you think I'm just gonna forget about you? Iris, how could I?
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... I don't think you'll forget. I think everyone here is too kind to forget.
[they'll reach out to each other, and they'll be friends. they'll probably talk for the rest of their lives. but - ]
But you have your brothers, and you have Ikebukuro. Perhaps, if someone wishes for it, or if we're able to win Dorm Wars, we'll see each other now and again but....
[she tilts her head]
We're going in different directions. Winter will exist as a concept, but we'll probably leave it all behind in practice. You won't be mine anymore.
[this possessiveness and intensity that she feels - she won't have any right to it anymore.]
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That's... [ ... this time, that hand that hovers a little stops. he's the one to reach out, but it's gentle, and if her hand is close enough, he'll very gently cover it with his. the fierce sincerity in his voice remains. ]
- Different directions, or not, that kind of stuff doesn't just leave you.
[ it's something he believes so honestly - something he knows. he's glad she knows he wouldn't forget, at least, but to call somewhere home and then just to set it aside sounds impossible, especially when it's something so large as what this place has done to them. for ichiro to call something home isn't a small gesture, because his beloved ikebukuro is his love and his life, but isn't his heart big enough for two? he'll gather up every world he has to in his arms and hold them, to keep these important threads together, to look out for these people who have become his family, because to ichiro yamada, home and family are sometimes more than blood.
he gets the distinction. he does. he knows that maybe logically iris is just trying to prepare herself for what must feel inevitable, because - after this long, ichiro knows her.
... but god, he just wants to prove that perceived inevitability wrong. that's what he does. especially for something like this.
ichiro, always, is heartfelt, achingly, achingly sincere. ] ... I'm always gonna be yours.
[ iykyk ]
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(which is so much of what iris thinks about love.)
she straightens up then, no longer leaning on him, and she leans back. her hand underneath his twitches like she wants to pull back there too but - she doesn't want to hurt him. she doesn't.
but her voice is soft, cautious and terrified -
(of what? what is she scared of? that he might be lying to her? or that he might be telling the truth? which feels more cruel, at this point?)]
... you shouldn't say things like that to someone like me.
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is it even okay to say things like that? (is he making it worse?)
like this, his first instinct is to back off. like it had been when they talked at the beginning of the week. (you haven't hurt me, she said.) ichiro isn't smart enough to navigate these seas the way he should, maybe, or maybe he just doesn't know how to understand them. iris says things to him that are so similar, things like you matter so much to me, and he wants to return the favor, but can't find a way to do so that doesn't terrify her. how do you care for someone that's terrified of being cared for? how do you give something back to someone who's given you so, so much, when their first instinct is to run? beyond any romantic feelings, that is where he gets stuck.
there's a moment where it looks like ichiro wants to pull back, too. his expression shifts between a few emotions - worry, at first, concern for the waver of terror in her voice, then realization, then something vulnerable and unsure - and he opens his mouth and then closes it, fingers shifting a little too like he's going to let go.
... he doesn't, though.
there's a lot he could say here. things like i know what kind of person you are or i wish i could help you see the kind of person we all know you are.
... ]
... I don't say things I don't mean. [ he never has. a lover and a fighter, ichiro yamada. genuine to his core. it's why this place has caused him so much trouble. ] It's important to me. That's all.
[ if she's so terrified after that, though, he'll start to pull back a little. ]
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but she holds her tongue, she bites it nearly to the point of bleeding, because no matter her trauma, she never wants to be cruel to the people who matter to her. she doesn't want to accuse ichiro of lying when he has mentioned time and time again he hates liars. similarly, she does not want to lie to him - she doesn't know what to say when her primary emotion is disbelief.
that can't be true. it won't be true. he will not always be hers, because he has other people to look after. and perhaps it would be one thing if she only had to share with his family, with his city - but ichiro is loving and deserving of love. he will belong to another, and she cannot be such a cruel person as to grow jealous or unhappy when that time comes.
words like this only lure her into a dream that she refuses to believe in.]
.... you're important to me. But I -
I'm a selfish person. I don't like to let go, or lose. And yet for all that you offer me, I don't how much I can give you in return. I... can't give myself away to anyone.
[he might be hers, but she doesn't know if she'll ever have the courage to promise that she's his in return]
.... I'll always care for you, and if there is ever anything in the world that I could grant you, I hope that you'll ask it of me.
But... I don't want you to tie yourself to someone who can't give you what you deserve.
[and she'll never be enough.]
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well. maybe not so similarly. it's not an accusation, and he doesn't keep it quiet. ]
... I'm not tying myself to anything, and - I'm not asking you to give yourself away, either. You belong to you. [ which is a stupid sentence and he knows it is but that's okay. it's too late. we're already here. ] 's not about - feelings, or, anything like that, either. Past that, you matter to me, and I care about you, too. And if I can ever give you anything, it's yours - or, at least, I'm gonna try really hard to get it to you, too.
[ he's not particularly magical or special or amazing in that regard, so there are some things that are beyond out of his reach, but ichiro will still try. ] None of that has anything to do with anything except that I care about you. It doesn't have to be romantic, or anything. And... it's not a transaction, you know? I don't need anything in return - and like earlier...
[ with the little trick with the cocoa, one of the few things that happened today that cheered him back to his almost normal state, ] ... If you really want to give me something in return, then you just being happy, and taking care of yourself, no matter what you're doing - that's good enough for me.
[ because ultimately, feelings are messy, and complicated, and he knows iris is terrified of them. but his love's not just romantic. it's unconditional, vast, patient, kind, and maybe the best thing about him. ] I don't need you to be mine. I just want you to be happy. It's more than enough.
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what ichiro says now feels a little bit like that. the way that her heart aches from the warmth of this scolding, and how he insists that it is simply because he cares about her - not tied to what she does, or who she is. it's scary, to think that there might be a loyalty that is not tied to hierarchy, that is not tied to deeds, or what she can provide. it's so much that it's nearly impossible for her to believe in it.
only nearly.
ichiro is real, and he is in front of her, and he is so certain that it sounds like it could be true.
her free hand wraps around herself, curls into the fabric of her sleeve, and her expression crumples just a bit into something bewildered, touched, and - so emotional that her eyes shine with tears that she's not even aware of. a few fall without her permission.]
... I don't - know what to say.
[she's touched. she's so happy. she's embarrassed. she's scared - but she feels so warm even more than that.]
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Ah - oh, shit, I didn't mean to make you cry... [ smooth move nerd.
... he kind of laughs, a little, after though? almost helplessly, quietly, because he did recognize that she seemed touched among all of that, too, and because sometimes he also just gets all sorts of flustered around iris and does dumb shit like trying to wipe her face with a broken arm. it's funny, kind of, in the helpless, sweet way moments like this only really can be.
ichiro shakes his head, though, ducking in a little bit to finally pull his hand free for real to actually reach up and wipe a tear or two away with his thumb, if iris will let him. ] You don't have to say anything. 's okay, Iris. I just - want to make sure you know.
[ no conditions. no transactions. none of that. ]
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this feels... so silly. it's ridiculous, how after being so tightly wound in anger for so long, the first sound that escapes her afterward is a laugh. she laughs, weakly but sincerely, and doesn't fight it when he tries to wipe away her tears. she sniffs, a little embarrassed even as other tears fall from her eyes and she just tries to brush her bangs out of the way because she feels so embarrassed.]
... I'm happy, you know. [and she sounds sincere when she says it - but there's also something disbelieving in her tone.] I'm so happy... even when I don't think that I have any right to be.
I wish you'd treasure yourself more, Ichiro, or keep some of yourself so you don't give it away to everyone... I really - don't know what to do with your kindness, or what I've done to deserve it.
But... I'm crying because I don't know what I've done to deserve you. It's - one of the better reasons I've had to shed a few tears lately.
[to do so from joy and gratitude that fills her heart so much that it overflows from the eyes, rather than heartbreak]
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its good to hear her laugh, though - a smile breaks out past any of ichiro's worry, and he scooches a little closer so he can wipe her face more properly, still gently fussy, but it's impossible not to smile through it, at the silliness of it all.
and at the sincerity to iris's happiness. that tone of voice, her smile, that makes his heart do a backflip in his chest. it's so good to see her that happy, to see some of the tension from before start to loosen, and it just - it's like he said. ichiro just wanted to see her happy.
he huffs a little laugh, at first, too, still cleaning up the last stray tears, and just smiling at her. warm, gentle. happy, too, almost boyish. ichiro doesn't really know if he's worth "deserving" of anything, but... ]
... Iris, I could write you a list about all the stuff you've done for us and it would be longer than the JR. [ just saying. us in this case, especially - winter dorm, but all of the people here. the living, the dead.
with the last tear seemingly cleaned up for now, he pauses, and just leaves his hand resting against her cheek. ]
...but at least for me, all you've really had to do was be you, you know. [ the girl he's gotten to know. viola, at first, but iris - he likes iris so much better. he likes the way she smiles at him, he likes her sharpness, the way it seems like she'd crush her enemies under her heel, sure - but most of all, the thing he likes the most about iris is that she cares so, so deeply for her people, and the things that matter to her, and that, from viola to iris, has never, ever changed. ] I think you can feel however the hell you want to feel. Happy's a good place to start.
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so instead she just lets her cheek rest a little bit more into his touch, leaning into it just a bit, for just a moment.]
... you make me want to be so greedy sometimes.
[when she is a person who is embarrassed and flustered by attention, but at the same time craves it. when she wants to be loved, even when she knows for certain that she doesn't deserve to be.
. . . . ]
I think you get a side of me that is kinder, softer than what I deliver to the rest of the world. I wonder if you'll still say that it's fine if I'm me, or it's fine however I feel, if you know how cruel and vindictive I can feel at times....
But it's hard - when you make me feel so happy. Like I want to be a little better than I am.
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