[ well - that's a lot! he's not really expecting it, either, and ends up just kind of staring at her for a second when the thoughts taper off, looking at her, wide eyed and surprised. ]
...
[ and, the first thought that comes through is...
I don't know what to do. because he doesn't. because he wants to help iris, he wants - he wants to put that look on her face that he saw on saturday, the one that was joyful and happy, he just wants to do something right, and this is just another piece to add into an extremely complicated mess that's already apparently been existing the entire time.
he swallows. ]
I don't hate you. [ that first, blurted out. utterly, completely sincere. ] I couldn't.
[ .... ]
Crow's a really good guy, you know? [ if i pull back, is it gonna be easier? what the fuck do i do? i want to help - i don't want to hurt her ] And he's - not around, right now, so... [ will that be easier? it's farther away? i'm such an asshole. ] I didn't...
[ shit, how much damage did i do? ] I'm sorry. You - there's nothing for you to apologize for.
You should. [her mouth beats her thoughts in that one - You should hate me. - because her distress is showing through now.] That's not - Please stop apologizing. [Or do you regret all of it? Right. Of course you would.
she pulls back then, pressing a hand over her own heart, feeling as though it might escape right out of her ribcage with the intensity of her feelings. she's not sure what it is. fear? is she afraid? is she upset? is she defensive? protective?
she's not sure. she's dizzy.]
You've never hurt me. Stop saying that. Stop thinking that, I -
[I like you more than I should, because I know you'll keep me safe. That's the whole problem.]
You haven't done anything wrong. If you keep insulting yourself, I'm really going to get angry.
Don't start thinking that I regret anything, then, either.
[ there's a sharpness to that, one he rarely shows in front of iris - it's out of frustration. the way iris pulls back is - it's fine. he knows, he knows she's been through hell, he knows why she reacts that way, but there's a tiny, fragile part of him that's only ever had feelings for someone once and it ended so, so badly, too. there's a part of him that has only ever wanted to help. there's a part of him that cares, that thinks, something close to heartbroken;
couldn't she have told me before?
because he doesn't regret anything - loving something or someone is something that he has only ever regretted once, in his entire life, and it's a lesson that he learned well - but that tiny, fragile part of him is hurt, right now, in a way it hasn't been hurt in a long time.
she's been through it. you know that's why. you're about to hurt her. stop. stop, don't get mad. don't get mad. it's not her fault, stop.
she said she was honest with me and - god damn it, this stupid effect -
he stops. runs his hand through his hair. takes a deep breath. he's holding still, unbelievably tense - trying to figure out what the right thing to do is physically, too. stay? leave?
get over it? ]
... Iris, I - [ quiet - ichiro can't get angry right now. not at himself, not at the world, not at anything else. ] ...
... You really matter to me, and I really care about you. That's never gonna change. I'm not going anywhere, but I made shit harder for you.
[ i'll get over it. i'm strong i'm strong i'm strong i'm strong ] ...I'll try harder to move on. Okay? I can try.
she listens. she hears it, every thought, and she goes quiet. her thoughts go into a subtle but intense thrum in overdrive as she plays so many conversations back. so many chats. she was honest. she was as honest as she ever could be. she said someone else wanted to date her. she doesn't want this. he makes her greedy. she's an awful person to court. it's not his fault. it's her fault. it always turns out like this. love is an affliction.
some part of her wants to cry but she won't. none of this is fair to anyone, but she is the common denominator. she is the problem. she's always the problem. why did I ever think otherwise?]
I'm going to go. I'll see you at home.
You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry.
[she has to get away before she ruins anything else.]
his gut churns, and it's lucky, maybe, that his thoughts aren't projected, because he thinks about the meeting that's coming tonight, and the lies he's going to have to tell.
he's going to have to write crow a letter and apologize. god, he's a piece of shit. is he any better than samatoki? probably not. she might practically be able to feel the way his thoughts move from heartbreak to distress as he starts to reach out, but -
a little more unlucky, is that the last thought that really comes out is something along the lines of - have i ever done anything right, here?
[because i need something that isn't depression she very nearly eats shit and slips into the pool when that last thought slips out.
she pauses, and her thoughts are blank because what's happening is something closer to a fight, flight, or freeze response. right now? she's freezing. but there is an urge for her to run, very far away from this. there's something that makes her want to leave the thing that's scaring her, that's causing her pain -
however.
there is also a fight response. and it is the fight response that ignites every single time someone dear to her is hurting, and it is worse now because she knows she's part of that pain, that she's not helping anyone with anything, but. but.
(ichiro hates being abandoned. he's been left behind before, and he reacted so strongly the first time she tried to run away from him. she knows.she knows, she knows, she knows. she—)
turns around and marches up to him, angry now.]
I'm going to smack you.
Don't start with me on doing anything right here. Don't say that when I've watched you comfort Hope and Futaba, when I know that you work hard in the kitchen, and then bring food to others to bring them comfort. When you gathered money for Kainé to have a roof over her head, when you make Kon and Beauregard laugh even after a hellish weekend. Do you think that all you can do is protect people with your fists? Don't you know what you manage to do for people's hearts, Ichiro? What use is a healthy body when your spirits are trampled on? You save people. Every single day.
I am a disaster. I'm a mess, and I'm so sorry that you've discovered that the hard way. But don't second-guess whether or not you've done anything right when some days, you keep me sane. When you do everything right for me, and I'm too broken to respond the way you deserve. But some days you could even get me to forget that.
[Some days I felt a little whole again.]
I know you're stressed. I know you're frustrated, and it's getting worse every week. I know that I - I'm not helping, and I'm so sorry.
But you are one of the best. And I'm not going to walk away and let you think you're anything but.
[ ichiro is starting to get up when she turns around, just looking for literally anywhere else to go so he's not projecting thoughts mess all over the place, and then suddenly iris is lecturing him. and it's -
it's almost unfair. this is sort of how this started, in a way - iris's unending kindness towards him, the way she tried so hard to keep him from falling back into bad places. he's been in a bad place since he got here, and she's right in that it's only getting worse. don't- his thoughts start, but he manages to shut them up long enough to listen while she talks about how great he is.
( you save people every day. does he? is that what he's going to do tonight, save someone? )
the guilt squeezes around his heart like a vice. guilt for what is coming. guilt for the fact that he couldn't keep his head together long enough to not fall into this, to not make things worse for iris. guilt that that big heart of ichiro's traitorously still feels a flutter. it hurts. it hurts so fucking bad. ]
...
[ i don't deserve anything.
don't get mad don't get mad don't get mad don't get mad ]
Thank you. [ is what he manages, gritted. tense, holding himself coiled up like a snake. somewhere between snapping - his temper is so short and even now it flares up in a desperate, caged animal sort of anger - and breaking down into frustrated tears. he doesn't want to get angry at iris, even if the sweetness of these words are just like grabbing a knife and twisting it.
(his best wasn't enough the first time, either.) ] Look, I -
[ he shoves his good hand into his pocket. maybe it'll be better this way. maybe it won't break her heart when she finds out. crow's dead because of this group he's joined up with now, after all. it's a question he's found himself wondering in his darkest moments at home, when he's felt low again (though then, he could just go see his brothers, and feel the whole world lighten up at the reminder) - is there ever enough good that can make for the things i've done?.
...
whatever he was gonna say fades away, and he reroutes, finally looking back at her. ] ... 'm glad I helped. [ because he is. at least there's that. at least he helped her feel a tiny bit better about something, apparently. on top of making it worse ] I'll apologize to him when we get them back.
[ at least he can do that right, too. ] I'll try to keep helping. That's all I can do.
[ ichiro's never someone to run away from a situation, but right now, he doesn't know what to do. he has no idea, and protagonist-ing his way through this one doesn't seem like it's going to do anything, and he's scared he's going to lose control of all of that buried fury the more iris says nice things to him, like this. it might've been easier on him if she just walked away.
[a beat of silence hangs in the air and then all iris can say is a sharp, abrupt - ]
Why are you lying to me?
[ichiro yamada hates lying and liars. iris lies and is a liar - but she's never lied to him, because she wants to take care of him even more than she wants to protect herself. she wants to respect his ideals, and give him honesty, even when it might hurt.
so why does she hear his thoughts, and why are you trying to protect me? why does that still matter? there's so much in what he said and thought that fails to make any sense to her, and all she sees is someone in front of her hurting, and trying so hard to hold himself together that he doesn't realize he's already cracking.]
Do you think I can't handle your truth? What on earth do you have to apologize to Crow for, I would never apologize to him for anything. [SO BRUTAL BUT SO HONEST
but she's not the type to just sit down and accept it. she's not the type of person to be afraid, or worried about what people might say about her. if there's anyone here who deserves to hate her, it's ichiro - and so she doesn't hesitate to challenge - ]
Get mad already. I know you are. What's the point in holding it back? Are you trying to insult me?
[I don't mean that I'm sorry I don't but please stop hurting yourself for me.]
she asked for it! this is the part of ichiro that he hates the absolute most about himself, because he loses every ounce of his control, he has and snaps. his voice starts rising in volume - ]
What the fuck, Iris? What the fuck do you think? They can all see us, and I haven't just been throwing this shit in his face? What kind of person do you think I am, that I'm okay with that? Of course I have to fucking apologize to him! He's fucking dead, and I'm -
[ no. he stops, there, takes a deep, heaving breath, jittering, angry, and starts off again, low and quiet, but gaining volume with every word. ] Are you seriously asking me why I'm trying to protect you? You keep insisting I'm this great fucking person, and I'm not, I'm just not - why do you get to say that, and I can't?! You think I can't tell how fucking bad you got hurt - you think I don't know that? You just keep telling me that you're - that you're evil, that you're greedy, whatever, but then you turn around and you do everything for us! You've done everything for me. Of course I'm trying to fucking protect you, because this [ an outward gesture with his good hand, mostly at himself ] is what I didn't want to happen! You hate watching me say bad shit about myself? Good, maybe you'll fucking figure out how much we all hate it when you do that, too!
You wouldn't apologize to Crow for anything, right? But you'll apologize to me? Maybe it's better, cause he's not - he's not like me, he pretends he doesn't give a shit and maybe that's better, maybe that's what you want, but - god, I don't even know what you want, I don't even think you know, and that's not even what this is about! This isn't even like some fucking him or me shit, either, I don't care about that, I fucking care about you, and him, and I'm so fucking tired of hurting people on accident!
[ because I did it again. I'm doing it right now.
he stops himself. forces himself, takes three steps back as he takes in a sharp breath, no longer shouting as the realization hits him. ] This - this is exactly what I didn't want to do, why did you -
[ and the anger turns to something else, an anguish, a horror that makes his face crumple up at the realization that he just fucking lost it at iris, the one thing he was trying so hard not to ever do.
for a second that's all that she's able to think, in the face of his anger. everyone spits venom at her. everyone gets mad at her, and they throw things in her face, and she invites a lot of it. sometimes she's just trying to live her life and people decide they have issues with that, but in this case, she just listens because - different though.
no one's ever really gotten mad at her because they cared too much before - it's usually caring too little.
there is some surprise on her face when he works through his anger - but it fades quickly. she knows how intense ichiro can get, and she settles for watching him lose it. she doesn't reach out to him even when he takes all those steps back, because he wants her to let him go, right? so she should. that's what she should do.]
... I asked you to. It's not an accident, and I'm not hurt as badly as you think. I'm used to this. I'm a little sorry I baited you, but I already told you that anger is just another way that conviction manifests. I'm just as tired of watching you hold it to yourself and beating yourself up over it.
[so she can be a verbal punching bag, and she doesn't mind. people have been too nice to her here - it's nostalgic to see a little anger]
And it's okay if you're tired of me, or frustrated with me. You're right. I don't know what I want. I've known that much for a while, and it's why I tried to keep a boundary between us - not that either of us paid much attention to it, did we. [she's willing to own it - but he has to, too. she tried to stop this weeks ago, but somewhere between "If I'm going to kiss you - " and "You make me greedy" they both failed to stick the landing entirely] ... but I didn't know Crow was serious until yesterday either. I thought I should tell you as soon as I could, because he can watch you but you can't watch him. It felt unfair, and I don't like keeping things from you.
[ . . . she tries to search his face, but she settles for crossing her arms, feeling a little silly. she wants to reach out to him, but she shouldn't. she wants to comfort him, but she doesn't know how. all she can do is try to prove that he's not as bad with delicate things as he thought - or maybe she's not that delicate after all.
you didn't say anything I don't deserve.]
It's okay, Ichiro. I'm not afraid, or broken any worse. [I know all of this comes from a place of kindness so - ] You still haven't hurt me.
[ nope! nope!! this explanation, this logic? he hates it. he absolutely fucking hates it, and not a single word of it sticks.
he sucks in a breath, and says - this time, it's almost desperate, his voice aching and so, so small. ]
Why can't I convince you that you matter more than that?
[ that you matter so much more than being someone's verbal punching bag?
maybe that is true. maybe he was on the right track. ichiro just isn't a liar. he can't keep things off of his face, he can't stop wearing his heart on his sleeve. he can't be reeled in and then shoved away, over and over. he can't. he can't lie to iris - because this happens. he tried to lie to protect them both, and he failed. he told the truth during that stupid fucking party game because he didn't want iris to think that he cared about her because of some stupid fucking dare.
but crow is snarky, and pretends to be fake, and ichiro knows he cares but covers it up, and that's safer. it makes sense, ultimately, and now, he's gone and hurt two people that matter to him because of it. and now he's going to hurt one even worse - and now he's implicit in the very thing that put crow where he is.
ichiro's projected thoughts are just, over and over why, why, i'm so sorry, i lost it, why, i fucking lost it again, what the fuck is wrong with me, why and takes another step back, because this - snapping at her like this, even if she says it doesn't hurt her (because it does, because he can hear her fucking thoughts, because he knows it does might've just broken him in two.
you shouldn't ever build yourself up on pillars of sand. inevitably, one little earthquake is going to send you crashing right back down again.
i'm going to be sick ]
If you see him before I can send anything, tell him I'm sorry. I'll back off, I - I'll go.
[ ichiro doesn't run from anything, but for the first time in his life, he wants to. he wants to run the other direction. he wants - he just wants to go home. he wants to go really home. and not to winter, either - back to ikebukuro, back to his brothers and his division. he wants to go home.
how far away does he have to go to fix this? is that what will make things easier? ]
it's funny, what iris will endure, as long as someone will stay. funnier still, considering the fact that she is the flight risk in many ways. but once she's chosen to stay somewhere, she will normally plant her feet on the ground and stay rooted. she was stopped from running because she decided that protecting ichiro from his own self-loathing mattered more to her than her trauma. it mattered more to her than protecting herself from getting hurt again.
but he's the one leaving now. of course he is. this is familiar too. when someone realizes you're too ugly to keep.
the voice in her head is berating, but it's clearly talking to herself: you knew this would happen. why did you try again. look at what you've done to him. what do you ever hope to get more than you already have. they'll all leave once you make a mistake and you've made so many. don't trust don't love don't trust don't love what's wrong with you everything]
Okay.
[she smiles, and it's perfect. it's convincing, and it's easy. her voice doesn't shake, or waver. she ignores the tears that prick at the corners of her eyes and fall.]
[ he makes a noise - choked off, miserable, frozen where he stands, and doesn't move, and just says what he's thinking, which is - ]
Iris, what do you want me to do.
[ i'm begging you.
because it's not convincing. at all. he's not convinced for a fucking second, and if he leaves, he's the scum of the fucking earth, but does she want him to leave? does she want him to stay? does she want him to say something or fight for it or --
[she opens her mouth to say it doesn't hurt but it does. it so obviously does and she can't lie to him. she can let him go, and she can let him try to leave, but she can't lie. ichiro doesn't like liars. maybe I should lie so he hates me more? but that thought gets discarded. no, I can't. because he is still precious to her and she will never do a disservice to those precious to her
so she speaks - and there's no room for thoughts, because they all leave her mouth in a rush even as her expression breaks a little.]
.... I don't want you to be mad at yourself. You can be mad at me. But why would I let you be mad at yourself when you haven't done anything wrong? You can lose your temper, and you can yell at me, and I'm not scared. But you get mad at yourself when you experience anything bad and -
That's not right. You only do good.
I've tried to tell you that I have nothing to give - I never have. I'm not good at this. I like you, but I can't promise anything because this is a ridiculous place, and things got so complicated.
I want you to be happy, but all I do is make things worse. So I wish you would go, and ignore me.
I'll be okay. I'm not blind to how fortunate I am. But I don't want to hurt anyone either. I don't want to hurt you.
he just sounds miserable, now, deflated as he looks down, good hand clenched tightly at his side. ]
...You know, one time, I lost my temper in front of my brothers and I beat the hell out of the director of our orphanage. I had a good reason, but I couldn't explain it to them, and they watched me do it. They both hated me after that. It took years for it to get better. I'll never forget the way they looked at me.
And then, more recently, I was so focused on getting revenge on someone I hated in the last division battle that I let the two of them get hurt. I let my anger blind me to reality. I do it all the fucking time. I hurt people I care about because I'm careless.
... I'm not someone to put on a pedestal. I don't only do good. I get mad at myself because I've been trying to get better, and I fall into the same stupid, predictable shit that I always fall into.
[ he lifts his hand, like a "stop" - he won't let iris interrupt, because he knows she probably wants to. continuing. ]
... On the other side, you don't only do bad, but you think you do. You just think you hurt me all the time. You don't. You've helped me more times than I can count. You've helped everyone here, more times than I can count. So, you feel like you're being selfish, so you think if you push me off and only you get hurt, that that'll make it okay? The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. Don't you get that? We want the same thing for each other. We always do.
[ take care of yourself. the same mantra that's gone between them so many times, now. let me take care of you. at what cost? ]
I don't think you're all bad. You don't think I'm all bad.
[ we're just human beings. ]
...I want you to be happy. And me walking away from you because you think you deserve to suffer more is bullshit. I'm not gonna lie to you, this fucking hurts - mostly cause you keep shutting me out and trying to hide it and handle it on your own, and you already convinced yourself that I'm sick of you, or I regret things, or something before I even get the chance to say otherwise.
I don't care about if you like me. You're my friend, before anything else. I'm trying to get over it, I just - I can't just do it overnight. So, if I have to step back, I can step back, but if I just ignore you, then what the fuck is that going to do for either of us? It's just going to make us both fucking miserable. I don't want you to promise me anything.
I can't tell how to help you, and that fucks me up. Cause - even if you say me leaving is gonna fix it, that's not true.
[ there's just that static, mental flash there of thoughts. of flashback - of being on the ground, hand wrapped around someone's ankle, looking up and feeling the whole world fall crashing around his shoulders.
[he's right that she wants to argue - there's the flash of a that's not— in her thoughts before she bites it back. before she listens, really listens again, going quiet even as she tries (and fails) to sneakily brush away the brief tears at the corner of her eyes. and it's - it's hard. it's so hard for her to listen to, because she knows she's being unfair. she knows she's ridiculous, and she's prone to hurting people. that's why she tried to stop this before and then -
and then so clearly, that didn't work.
what can we do, when all we do is hurt each other when it's what we want the least?
when ichiro tries to take care of her - and oh, he succeeds. he makes her forget what's so scary for minutes a time, but it just means that she ends up even more terrified because it could be real. because she wants to trust him, and she hates herself for it. when it means that when this is over, when he inevitably walks away, she is just going to miss him all the more.
when iris tries to take care of him and - god, she prays that she succeeds. when he says that she's managed to help him, when she tries so hard to pull him back from every brink, when she tries to get him to accept his own temper. but it's a terrible thing to fall for her, even when objectively she makes it all too easy. when she is someone who is so resistant to being taken care of, when that is what ichiro wants to do most.]
... I don't know how to let anyone help me. Before I was Iris, I - I never had friends. All my relationships fell apart. Everyone left me alone, because all I knew how to do is work. And now that I'm Iris - I can't ask for help. I'm Iris Lana Armelia and everyone is ready to end the villainess. No one can save me - only I can save me. No matter how hard it is, or how difficult everything is—
Everyone always leaves when I do something wrong. And they - that should be fair, shouldn't it? They shouldn't be expected to deal with someone who has nothing to offer them. [all the good I do is what I have to offer people - isn't it?] So I... I'd understand if you left.
[her thoughts jump the gun, they blare her truth ad nauseam: but I don't want you to I don't want you to I don't want you to go I'm so scared to be alone]
But I— [a shaky breath, and this is something she has to say herself or she will never be able to take a step forward] I don't want to be alone anymore. [and it's a little bit like a damn breaking, like her heart finally at her limit. her shoulders shake with emotion, and her composure breaks, tears falling despite her attempts to clear them earlier.] It's so hard. I want to cry every time someone shows me kindness, because I'm worried it'll disappear. I don't know what to do when I want to be with people but I'm so scared they'll leave. I want to have a home, I want to have a family, but everything feels so impossible, like once I make a mistake it's all over, and I'll lose everything again.
I wish I knew how to build a happiness that lasts, and I wish I knew how to reach out - but how can I? How can I when caring about me is so hard? How can I ask you to stay when I know how hard that is?
he listens, now. ichiro's good at listening - he always has been, and he takes in all the things that she's saying without complaint or argument, brows knitting together, silent for a long moment.
and when he takes a breath to speak again, he does what he's always done. ichiro relies on his words and lets them carry him forward. ]
... The struggle's worth it. [ is what he decides. he thinks, in a way that flashes sort of in and out of his thoughts - of his brothers, of home. of how much they hated him. about what it took to get them back. ] To me, at least. I'm not afraid of it. I'd rather face it head on and try to fix it than drop everything and run.
[ because that's just who ichiro is. never blocking. a bleeder. ] You gotta want to fight for it, and if you're afraid to fuck it up, then you're never gonna fight for it enough to make it stay.
[ because he fucks up a lot, right? he's not even close to perfect - even if iris made it sound like it, he's not. the words come out steady and even, despite all the pain from this conversation. it's coming from a place of directness and honesty, because that's what he knows best, so maybe it isn't that gentle, but maybe that's what she needs. ] And if people don't stay with you when you fuck up, then they're not worth it.
[ .... ]
I was gonna leave - this, right now, because I fucked up with you, and I've got -- I needed to not lose my head. That doesn't mean I was going to leave forever. You have to be willing to put some faith in other people, if you don't want to be alone.
[ can i ask you to put a little faith in me? ]
[ iris talking about people leaving her was something ichiro understood intimately, because people left him, too. twice - three times, really - in ways that scarred him for life. but the two people who he relies on and depends on at home were always worth fighting for, and he had to learn how to put faith in them that they'd be strong. beau told him similar, here - that ichiro didn't have to take on everything alone. ]
Building happiness from the ground up is hard. [ because he knows she's built happiness into her fief. he knows she's built it here, too - in winter. at home. ] ...building it up as a person is hard as shit, too. I should know. I'm not who I used to be, and every single step goddamn step I took to get here was uphill. Sometimes I still fuck it up and fall back on my ass.
[ this place has been crushing him - it's been pretty blatantly clear - but he's struggling to his feet for those people he cares about. ] But you can't build anything if you're just gonna shy away from it because you're afraid of being hurt again. I know you got hurt bad. So did I, Iris. I'm still not over it.
[ i'm still not big enough to forgive what he did and i never will be. ]
That still hasn't stopped me from loving people anyway. You don't have to throw yourself straight in the deep end, but if someone offers you their hand, you gotta take the risk. You don't have to put your entire faith into us - give us a piece, if you can. That's a start.
[ . . . . she doesn't know what to do with this. it feels so stupid, to her, to be crying over this. to be shedding tears in front of someone else. but she doesn't know what she can do anymore. she's lost so much over the past few weeks, people who are so far away now, and it felt like she was so terribly close to losing ichiro too. after everything he'd said, after every kind word that now feels like something that she's afraid to look at for fear of it being wrong or tainted.
have a little faith? in him?
she would start fights over everyone in winter, and she would do everything she can to win them. that's easy. being protective of everyone in her care? that's easy. she fights every single day to try to keep her head above water but - the idea of fighting for something that she gets to keep—
she doesn't know what to do with it.
it's pathetic, she thinks, when she curls in on herself, as if trying to hide. trying to catch her own tears, embarrassed and ashamed.]
... I'm trying. I know - it's not very good.
[because she's used to loving freely when it comes to everyone else. she loves winters, she loves all the students, she loves her fief and her family - it's so easy to give love away. that's not what she has trouble with in the slightest.
it's terrifying to place hope in someone else.]
But I'm trying.
[but if she's still being lectured on it, maybe she'll just never be good enough.]
[ a part of him wants to comfort her, but he's - he doesn't even know if it will help, and he doesn't know who's watching. he doesn't want to make that any worse, either.
but he says, softening a little, now. ] ... trying counts.
[ it counts to him, at least.
i know you're trying. i've seen it. he thinks, without really meaning to. he's watched her relax in increments. he thought, maybe, maybe -
...
...but ultimately, there's nothing he can do besides try and stay. he knows iris gives love away, because that was why he fell for her, in the first place. but the decision to be willing to take it - he can't force that. that's all iris. ]
...I'm not going anywhere. I promised you that. [ and he doesn't break his promises. imagine i get a murder dm in like five minutes ] ...and I'm trying to get over it. So I'll give you all the time you need to try, but you gotta give me some, too. I need - if that's it, I just need you to believe that I haven't been lying to you, that I care. I just need you to try.
[ i always care. that's always been his greatest strength - and his biggest weakness. ] Okay?
[ . . . . does it? there's a bit of doubt that she can't quite let go of. because for iris, it's always been a combination of intentions and results. you need both. good intentions take you nowhere, and just trying - how can that be enough?
. . . but her tears stop, even if only because she can't handle the idea of crying in front of someone anymore. it feels so shameful, so silly, when he won't reach out to her but - she supposes that's what they need to do now. if he doesn't want to reach for her, then she'll stop expecting it.]
I can try but I - I have one question.
[and it's something she needs because she's leaving it up to him to decide - because he'd thought something earlier, and it stung so badly to know that she'd done something wrong. she needs to know if he meant it.]
... do you still want me to let you go?
[in whatever way he means. if he wants her to let him leave now, or if he wants her to try to kill whatever feelings she has too. if he needs space, and wants her to pull back. if maybe that line drawn in the sand from weeks ago needs to finally mean something instead of just be something they said.]
[ she'll probably hear his mental ?? at that at first, because he has no idea what she means, and has to sort through the possible definitions before he picks one. ]
...Like, leave here? I - yeah. I probably need - I need to go cool off. [ not literally. he's still really jittery, still pretty clearly trying to fight back a lot of emotion. I'm gonna go back to the dorm. I need to some time to think.
[ i want to go talk to beau. is what gets projected because sometimes your emotional support big sister is real? also deeply considering going to get polymorphed into a dog for like six hours. that sounds nice.
anyway. ]
....but... [ and, really, he needs some time to think on this, too. he chews on his lip, for a moment. ] ... I want you to do what's going to be the best for you. I know that's probably not the answer you wanna hear, but - it's not right of me to give you one, I don't think. Especially not right now.
[ a small smile. ] I think maybe gimme a little time to think over that, too - at least on my end.
[ . . . . she's relieved that she has support. she's probably going to jump into this pool as soon as he's gone and try to drown. mostly kidding.
. . . . as for his own time that he needs to take for that answer - ]
Take all the time you need.
[even longer than the next few weeks is fine with her really? she was probably going to just try to leave the game and emotionally ghost until he got a girlfriend? that was originally her plan, and now she's pretty much just going to continue vibe in that type of plan. it's easy to have faith until you're no longer seeing that person.
it's hard - to feel like she doesn't just cause more problems for him. but she'll try to give him space.]
... I'll see you later. Sorry about the mess today.
[ and that is very genuine. even if it was messy. even if it was exhausting. even if he would like to just go lay on the couch face first for a few hours and then maybe become a dog. thankfully none of iris's game plan gets projected over here, which is good, because his head feels like its swimming with a thousand different thoughts all at once and it does not need any more.
he gives her a little bit of a smile, adjusts his sling a bit, and goes to head back to the dorm. ] See ya later.
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...
[ and, the first thought that comes through is...
I don't know what to do. because he doesn't. because he wants to help iris, he wants - he wants to put that look on her face that he saw on saturday, the one that was joyful and happy, he just wants to do something right, and this is just another piece to add into an extremely complicated mess that's already apparently been existing the entire time.
he swallows. ]
I don't hate you. [ that first, blurted out. utterly, completely sincere. ] I couldn't.
[ .... ]
Crow's a really good guy, you know? [ if i pull back, is it gonna be easier? what the fuck do i do? i want to help - i don't want to hurt her ] And he's - not around, right now, so... [ will that be easier? it's farther away? i'm such an asshole. ] I didn't...
[ shit, how much damage did i do? ] I'm sorry. You - there's nothing for you to apologize for.
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she pulls back then, pressing a hand over her own heart, feeling as though it might escape right out of her ribcage with the intensity of her feelings. she's not sure what it is. fear? is she afraid? is she upset? is she defensive? protective?
she's not sure. she's dizzy.]
You've never hurt me. Stop saying that. Stop thinking that, I -
[I like you more than I should, because I know you'll keep me safe. That's the whole problem.]
You haven't done anything wrong. If you keep insulting yourself, I'm really going to get angry.
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[ there's a sharpness to that, one he rarely shows in front of iris - it's out of frustration. the way iris pulls back is - it's fine. he knows, he knows she's been through hell, he knows why she reacts that way, but there's a tiny, fragile part of him that's only ever had feelings for someone once and it ended so, so badly, too. there's a part of him that has only ever wanted to help. there's a part of him that cares, that thinks, something close to heartbroken;
couldn't she have told me before?
because he doesn't regret anything - loving something or someone is something that he has only ever regretted once, in his entire life, and it's a lesson that he learned well - but that tiny, fragile part of him is hurt, right now, in a way it hasn't been hurt in a long time.
she's been through it. you know that's why. you're about to hurt her. stop. stop, don't get mad. don't get mad. it's not her fault, stop.
she said she was honest with me and - god damn it, this stupid effect -
he stops. runs his hand through his hair. takes a deep breath. he's holding still, unbelievably tense - trying to figure out what the right thing to do is physically, too. stay? leave?
get over it? ]
... Iris, I - [ quiet - ichiro can't get angry right now. not at himself, not at the world, not at anything else. ] ...
... You really matter to me, and I really care about you. That's never gonna change. I'm not going anywhere, but I made shit harder for you.
[ i'll get over it. i'm strong i'm strong i'm strong i'm strong ] ...I'll try harder to move on. Okay? I can try.
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she listens. she hears it, every thought, and she goes quiet. her thoughts go into a subtle but intense thrum in overdrive as she plays so many conversations back. so many chats. she was honest. she was as honest as she ever could be. she said someone else wanted to date her. she doesn't want this. he makes her greedy. she's an awful person to court. it's not his fault. it's her fault. it always turns out like this. love is an affliction.
some part of her wants to cry but she won't. none of this is fair to anyone, but she is the common denominator. she is the problem. she's always the problem. why did I ever think otherwise?]
I'm going to go. I'll see you at home.
You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry.
[she has to get away before she ruins anything else.]
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his gut churns, and it's lucky, maybe, that his thoughts aren't projected, because he thinks about the meeting that's coming tonight, and the lies he's going to have to tell.
he's going to have to write crow a letter and apologize. god, he's a piece of shit. is he any better than samatoki? probably not. she might practically be able to feel the way his thoughts move from heartbreak to distress as he starts to reach out, but -
a little more unlucky, is that the last thought that really comes out is something along the lines of - have i ever done anything right, here?
... and ultimately, he lets iris escape. ]
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she pauses, and her thoughts are blank because what's happening is something closer to a fight, flight, or freeze response. right now? she's freezing. but there is an urge for her to run, very far away from this. there's something that makes her want to leave the thing that's scaring her, that's causing her pain -
however.
there is also a fight response. and it is the fight response that ignites every single time someone dear to her is hurting, and it is worse now because she knows she's part of that pain, that she's not helping anyone with anything, but. but.
(ichiro hates being abandoned. he's been left behind before, and he reacted so strongly the first time she tried to run away from him. she knows.she knows, she knows, she knows. she—)
turns around and marches up to him, angry now.]
I'm going to smack you.
Don't start with me on doing anything right here. Don't say that when I've watched you comfort Hope and Futaba, when I know that you work hard in the kitchen, and then bring food to others to bring them comfort. When you gathered money for Kainé to have a roof over her head, when you make Kon and Beauregard laugh even after a hellish weekend. Do you think that all you can do is protect people with your fists? Don't you know what you manage to do for people's hearts, Ichiro? What use is a healthy body when your spirits are trampled on? You save people. Every single day.
I am a disaster. I'm a mess, and I'm so sorry that you've discovered that the hard way. But don't second-guess whether or not you've done anything right when some days, you keep me sane. When you do everything right for me, and I'm too broken to respond the way you deserve. But some days you could even get me to forget that.
[Some days I felt a little whole again.]
I know you're stressed. I know you're frustrated, and it's getting worse every week. I know that I - I'm not helping, and I'm so sorry.
But you are one of the best. And I'm not going to walk away and let you think you're anything but.
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it's almost unfair. this is sort of how this started, in a way - iris's unending kindness towards him, the way she tried so hard to keep him from falling back into bad places. he's been in a bad place since he got here, and she's right in that it's only getting worse. don't- his thoughts start, but he manages to shut them up long enough to listen while she talks about how great he is.
( you save people every day. does he? is that what he's going to do tonight, save someone? )
the guilt squeezes around his heart like a vice. guilt for what is coming. guilt for the fact that he couldn't keep his head together long enough to not fall into this, to not make things worse for iris. guilt that that big heart of ichiro's traitorously still feels a flutter. it hurts. it hurts so fucking bad. ]
...
[ i don't deserve anything.
don't get mad don't get mad don't get mad don't get mad ]
Thank you. [ is what he manages, gritted. tense, holding himself coiled up like a snake. somewhere between snapping - his temper is so short and even now it flares up in a desperate, caged animal sort of anger - and breaking down into frustrated tears. he doesn't want to get angry at iris, even if the sweetness of these words are just like grabbing a knife and twisting it.
(his best wasn't enough the first time, either.) ] Look, I -
[ he shoves his good hand into his pocket. maybe it'll be better this way. maybe it won't break her heart when she finds out. crow's dead because of this group he's joined up with now, after all. it's a question he's found himself wondering in his darkest moments at home, when he's felt low again (though then, he could just go see his brothers, and feel the whole world lighten up at the reminder) - is there ever enough good that can make for the things i've done?.
...
whatever he was gonna say fades away, and he reroutes, finally looking back at her. ] ... 'm glad I helped. [ because he is. at least there's that. at least he helped her feel a tiny bit better about something, apparently. on top of making it worse ] I'll apologize to him when we get them back.
[ at least he can do that right, too. ] I'll try to keep helping. That's all I can do.
[ ichiro's never someone to run away from a situation, but right now, he doesn't know what to do. he has no idea, and protagonist-ing his way through this one doesn't seem like it's going to do anything, and he's scared he's going to lose control of all of that buried fury the more iris says nice things to him, like this. it might've been easier on him if she just walked away.
that's what everyone else always did. ]
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Why are you lying to me?
[ichiro yamada hates lying and liars. iris lies and is a liar - but she's never lied to him, because she wants to take care of him even more than she wants to protect herself. she wants to respect his ideals, and give him honesty, even when it might hurt.
so why does she hear his thoughts, and why are you trying to protect me? why does that still matter? there's so much in what he said and thought that fails to make any sense to her, and all she sees is someone in front of her hurting, and trying so hard to hold himself together that he doesn't realize he's already cracking.]
Do you think I can't handle your truth? What on earth do you have to apologize to Crow for, I would never apologize to him for anything. [SO BRUTAL BUT SO HONEST
but she's not the type to just sit down and accept it. she's not the type of person to be afraid, or worried about what people might say about her. if there's anyone here who deserves to hate her, it's ichiro - and so she doesn't hesitate to challenge - ]
Get mad already. I know you are. What's the point in holding it back? Are you trying to insult me?
[I don't mean that I'm sorry I don't but please stop hurting yourself for me.]
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she asked for it! this is the part of ichiro that he hates the absolute most about himself, because he loses every ounce of his control, he has and snaps. his voice starts rising in volume - ]
What the fuck, Iris? What the fuck do you think? They can all see us, and I haven't just been throwing this shit in his face? What kind of person do you think I am, that I'm okay with that? Of course I have to fucking apologize to him! He's fucking dead, and I'm -
[ no. he stops, there, takes a deep, heaving breath, jittering, angry, and starts off again, low and quiet, but gaining volume with every word. ] Are you seriously asking me why I'm trying to protect you? You keep insisting I'm this great fucking person, and I'm not, I'm just not - why do you get to say that, and I can't?! You think I can't tell how fucking bad you got hurt - you think I don't know that? You just keep telling me that you're - that you're evil, that you're greedy, whatever, but then you turn around and you do everything for us! You've done everything for me. Of course I'm trying to fucking protect you, because this [ an outward gesture with his good hand, mostly at himself ] is what I didn't want to happen! You hate watching me say bad shit about myself? Good, maybe you'll fucking figure out how much we all hate it when you do that, too!
You wouldn't apologize to Crow for anything, right? But you'll apologize to me? Maybe it's better, cause he's not - he's not like me, he pretends he doesn't give a shit and maybe that's better, maybe that's what you want, but - god, I don't even know what you want, I don't even think you know, and that's not even what this is about! This isn't even like some fucking him or me shit, either, I don't care about that, I fucking care about you, and him, and I'm so fucking tired of hurting people on accident!
[ because I did it again. I'm doing it right now.
he stops himself. forces himself, takes three steps back as he takes in a sharp breath, no longer shouting as the realization hits him. ] This - this is exactly what I didn't want to do, why did you -
[ and the anger turns to something else, an anguish, a horror that makes his face crumple up at the realization that he just fucking lost it at iris, the one thing he was trying so hard not to ever do.
why wouldn't you just let me go?
he takes another step back.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. no, fuck, no-- ]
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for a second that's all that she's able to think, in the face of his anger. everyone spits venom at her. everyone gets mad at her, and they throw things in her face, and she invites a lot of it. sometimes she's just trying to live her life and people decide they have issues with that, but in this case, she just listens because - different though.
no one's ever really gotten mad at her because they cared too much before - it's usually caring too little.
there is some surprise on her face when he works through his anger - but it fades quickly. she knows how intense ichiro can get, and she settles for watching him lose it. she doesn't reach out to him even when he takes all those steps back, because he wants her to let him go, right? so she should. that's what she should do.]
... I asked you to. It's not an accident, and I'm not hurt as badly as you think. I'm used to this. I'm a little sorry I baited you, but I already told you that anger is just another way that conviction manifests. I'm just as tired of watching you hold it to yourself and beating yourself up over it.
[so she can be a verbal punching bag, and she doesn't mind. people have been too nice to her here - it's nostalgic to see a little anger]
And it's okay if you're tired of me, or frustrated with me. You're right. I don't know what I want. I've known that much for a while, and it's why I tried to keep a boundary between us - not that either of us paid much attention to it, did we. [she's willing to own it - but he has to, too. she tried to stop this weeks ago, but somewhere between "If I'm going to kiss you - " and "You make me greedy" they both failed to stick the landing entirely] ... but I didn't know Crow was serious until yesterday either. I thought I should tell you as soon as I could, because he can watch you but you can't watch him. It felt unfair, and I don't like keeping things from you.
[ . . . she tries to search his face, but she settles for crossing her arms, feeling a little silly. she wants to reach out to him, but she shouldn't. she wants to comfort him, but she doesn't know how. all she can do is try to prove that he's not as bad with delicate things as he thought - or maybe she's not that delicate after all.
you didn't say anything I don't deserve.]
It's okay, Ichiro. I'm not afraid, or broken any worse. [I know all of this comes from a place of kindness so - ] You still haven't hurt me.
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he sucks in a breath, and says - this time, it's almost desperate, his voice aching and so, so small. ]
Why can't I convince you that you matter more than that?
[ that you matter so much more than being someone's verbal punching bag?
maybe that is true. maybe he was on the right track. ichiro just isn't a liar. he can't keep things off of his face, he can't stop wearing his heart on his sleeve. he can't be reeled in and then shoved away, over and over. he can't. he can't lie to iris - because this happens. he tried to lie to protect them both, and he failed. he told the truth during that stupid fucking party game because he didn't want iris to think that he cared about her because of some stupid fucking dare.
but crow is snarky, and pretends to be fake, and ichiro knows he cares but covers it up, and that's safer. it makes sense, ultimately, and now, he's gone and hurt two people that matter to him because of it. and now he's going to hurt one even worse - and now he's implicit in the very thing that put crow where he is.
ichiro's projected thoughts are just, over and over why, why, i'm so sorry, i lost it, why, i fucking lost it again, what the fuck is wrong with me, why and takes another step back, because this - snapping at her like this, even if she says it doesn't hurt her (because it does, because he can hear her fucking thoughts, because he knows it does might've just broken him in two.
you shouldn't ever build yourself up on pillars of sand. inevitably, one little earthquake is going to send you crashing right back down again.
i'm going to be sick ]
If you see him before I can send anything, tell him I'm sorry. I'll back off, I - I'll go.
[ ichiro doesn't run from anything, but for the first time in his life, he wants to. he wants to run the other direction. he wants - he just wants to go home. he wants to go really home. and not to winter, either - back to ikebukuro, back to his brothers and his division. he wants to go home.
how far away does he have to go to fix this? is that what will make things easier? ]
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this one hurts.
it's funny, what iris will endure, as long as someone will stay. funnier still, considering the fact that she is the flight risk in many ways. but once she's chosen to stay somewhere, she will normally plant her feet on the ground and stay rooted. she was stopped from running because she decided that protecting ichiro from his own self-loathing mattered more to her than her trauma. it mattered more to her than protecting herself from getting hurt again.
but he's the one leaving now. of course he is. this is familiar too. when someone realizes you're too ugly to keep.
the voice in her head is berating, but it's clearly talking to herself: you knew this would happen. why did you try again. look at what you've done to him. what do you ever hope to get more than you already have. they'll all leave once you make a mistake and you've made so many. don't trust don't love don't trust don't love what's wrong with you everything]
Okay.
[she smiles, and it's perfect. it's convincing, and it's easy. her voice doesn't shake, or waver. she ignores the tears that prick at the corners of her eyes and fall.]
Sorry.
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Iris, what do you want me to do.
[ i'm begging you.
because it's not convincing. at all. he's not convinced for a fucking second, and if he leaves, he's the scum of the fucking earth, but does she want him to leave? does she want him to stay? does she want him to say something or fight for it or --
how can I stop hurting you? ]
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so she speaks - and there's no room for thoughts, because they all leave her mouth in a rush even as her expression breaks a little.]
.... I don't want you to be mad at yourself. You can be mad at me. But why would I let you be mad at yourself when you haven't done anything wrong? You can lose your temper, and you can yell at me, and I'm not scared. But you get mad at yourself when you experience anything bad and -
That's not right. You only do good.
I've tried to tell you that I have nothing to give - I never have. I'm not good at this. I like you, but I can't promise anything because this is a ridiculous place, and things got so complicated.
I want you to be happy, but all I do is make things worse. So I wish you would go, and ignore me.
I'll be okay. I'm not blind to how fortunate I am. But I don't want to hurt anyone either. I don't want to hurt you.
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[ ... because that's obvious.
he just sounds miserable, now, deflated as he looks down, good hand clenched tightly at his side. ]
...You know, one time, I lost my temper in front of my brothers and I beat the hell out of the director of our orphanage. I had a good reason, but I couldn't explain it to them, and they watched me do it. They both hated me after that. It took years for it to get better. I'll never forget the way they looked at me.
And then, more recently, I was so focused on getting revenge on someone I hated in the last division battle that I let the two of them get hurt. I let my anger blind me to reality. I do it all the fucking time. I hurt people I care about because I'm careless.
... I'm not someone to put on a pedestal. I don't only do good. I get mad at myself because I've been trying to get better, and I fall into the same stupid, predictable shit that I always fall into.
[ he lifts his hand, like a "stop" - he won't let iris interrupt, because he knows she probably wants to. continuing. ]
... On the other side, you don't only do bad, but you think you do. You just think you hurt me all the time. You don't. You've helped me more times than I can count. You've helped everyone here, more times than I can count. So, you feel like you're being selfish, so you think if you push me off and only you get hurt, that that'll make it okay? The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. Don't you get that? We want the same thing for each other. We always do.
[ take care of yourself. the same mantra that's gone between them so many times, now. let me take care of you. at what cost? ]
I don't think you're all bad. You don't think I'm all bad.
[ we're just human beings. ]
...I want you to be happy. And me walking away from you because you think you deserve to suffer more is bullshit. I'm not gonna lie to you, this fucking hurts - mostly cause you keep shutting me out and trying to hide it and handle it on your own, and you already convinced yourself that I'm sick of you, or I regret things, or something before I even get the chance to say otherwise.
I don't care about if you like me. You're my friend, before anything else. I'm trying to get over it, I just - I can't just do it overnight. So, if I have to step back, I can step back, but if I just ignore you, then what the fuck is that going to do for either of us? It's just going to make us both fucking miserable. I don't want you to promise me anything.
I can't tell how to help you, and that fucks me up. Cause - even if you say me leaving is gonna fix it, that's not true.
[ there's just that static, mental flash there of thoughts. of flashback - of being on the ground, hand wrapped around someone's ankle, looking up and feeling the whole world fall crashing around his shoulders.
... ]
I know what it feels like when people leave.
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and then so clearly, that didn't work.
what can we do, when all we do is hurt each other when it's what we want the least?
when ichiro tries to take care of her - and oh, he succeeds. he makes her forget what's so scary for minutes a time, but it just means that she ends up even more terrified because it could be real. because she wants to trust him, and she hates herself for it. when it means that when this is over, when he inevitably walks away, she is just going to miss him all the more.
when iris tries to take care of him and - god, she prays that she succeeds. when he says that she's managed to help him, when she tries so hard to pull him back from every brink, when she tries to get him to accept his own temper. but it's a terrible thing to fall for her, even when objectively she makes it all too easy. when she is someone who is so resistant to being taken care of, when that is what ichiro wants to do most.]
... I don't know how to let anyone help me. Before I was Iris, I - I never had friends. All my relationships fell apart. Everyone left me alone, because all I knew how to do is work. And now that I'm Iris - I can't ask for help. I'm Iris Lana Armelia and everyone is ready to end the villainess. No one can save me - only I can save me. No matter how hard it is, or how difficult everything is—
Everyone always leaves when I do something wrong. And they - that should be fair, shouldn't it? They shouldn't be expected to deal with someone who has nothing to offer them. [all the good I do is what I have to offer people - isn't it?] So I... I'd understand if you left.
[her thoughts jump the gun, they blare her truth ad nauseam: but I don't want you to I don't want you to I don't want you to go I'm so scared to be alone]
But I— [a shaky breath, and this is something she has to say herself or she will never be able to take a step forward] I don't want to be alone anymore. [and it's a little bit like a damn breaking, like her heart finally at her limit. her shoulders shake with emotion, and her composure breaks, tears falling despite her attempts to clear them earlier.] It's so hard. I want to cry every time someone shows me kindness, because I'm worried it'll disappear. I don't know what to do when I want to be with people but I'm so scared they'll leave. I want to have a home, I want to have a family, but everything feels so impossible, like once I make a mistake it's all over, and I'll lose everything again.
I wish I knew how to build a happiness that lasts, and I wish I knew how to reach out - but how can I? How can I when caring about me is so hard? How can I ask you to stay when I know how hard that is?
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he listens, now. ichiro's good at listening - he always has been, and he takes in all the things that she's saying without complaint or argument, brows knitting together, silent for a long moment.
and when he takes a breath to speak again, he does what he's always done. ichiro relies on his words and lets them carry him forward. ]
... The struggle's worth it. [ is what he decides. he thinks, in a way that flashes sort of in and out of his thoughts - of his brothers, of home. of how much they hated him. about what it took to get them back. ] To me, at least. I'm not afraid of it. I'd rather face it head on and try to fix it than drop everything and run.
[ because that's just who ichiro is. never blocking. a bleeder. ] You gotta want to fight for it, and if you're afraid to fuck it up, then you're never gonna fight for it enough to make it stay.
[ because he fucks up a lot, right? he's not even close to perfect - even if iris made it sound like it, he's not. the words come out steady and even, despite all the pain from this conversation. it's coming from a place of directness and honesty, because that's what he knows best, so maybe it isn't that gentle, but maybe that's what she needs. ] And if people don't stay with you when you fuck up, then they're not worth it.
[ .... ]
I was gonna leave - this, right now, because I fucked up with you, and I've got -- I needed to not lose my head. That doesn't mean I was going to leave forever. You have to be willing to put some faith in other people, if you don't want to be alone.
[ can i ask you to put a little faith in me? ]
[ iris talking about people leaving her was something ichiro understood intimately, because people left him, too. twice - three times, really - in ways that scarred him for life. but the two people who he relies on and depends on at home were always worth fighting for, and he had to learn how to put faith in them that they'd be strong. beau told him similar, here - that ichiro didn't have to take on everything alone. ]
Building happiness from the ground up is hard. [ because he knows she's built happiness into her fief. he knows she's built it here, too - in winter. at home. ] ...building it up as a person is hard as shit, too. I should know. I'm not who I used to be, and every single step goddamn step I took to get here was uphill. Sometimes I still fuck it up and fall back on my ass.
[ this place has been crushing him - it's been pretty blatantly clear - but he's struggling to his feet for those people he cares about. ] But you can't build anything if you're just gonna shy away from it because you're afraid of being hurt again. I know you got hurt bad. So did I, Iris. I'm still not over it.
[ i'm still not big enough to forgive what he did and i never will be. ]
That still hasn't stopped me from loving people anyway. You don't have to throw yourself straight in the deep end, but if someone offers you their hand, you gotta take the risk. You don't have to put your entire faith into us - give us a piece, if you can. That's a start.
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have a little faith? in him?
she would start fights over everyone in winter, and she would do everything she can to win them. that's easy. being protective of everyone in her care? that's easy. she fights every single day to try to keep her head above water but - the idea of fighting for something that she gets to keep—
she doesn't know what to do with it.
it's pathetic, she thinks, when she curls in on herself, as if trying to hide. trying to catch her own tears, embarrassed and ashamed.]
... I'm trying. I know - it's not very good.
[because she's used to loving freely when it comes to everyone else. she loves winters, she loves all the students, she loves her fief and her family - it's so easy to give love away. that's not what she has trouble with in the slightest.
it's terrifying to place hope in someone else.]
But I'm trying.
[but if she's still being lectured on it, maybe she'll just never be good enough.]
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but he says, softening a little, now. ] ... trying counts.
[ it counts to him, at least.
i know you're trying. i've seen it. he thinks, without really meaning to. he's watched her relax in increments. he thought, maybe, maybe -
...
...but ultimately, there's nothing he can do besides try and stay. he knows iris gives love away, because that was why he fell for her, in the first place. but the decision to be willing to take it - he can't force that. that's all iris. ]
...I'm not going anywhere. I promised you that. [ and he doesn't break his promises. imagine i get a murder dm in like five minutes ] ...and I'm trying to get over it. So I'll give you all the time you need to try, but you gotta give me some, too. I need - if that's it, I just need you to believe that I haven't been lying to you, that I care. I just need you to try.
[ i always care. that's always been his greatest strength - and his biggest weakness. ] Okay?
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. . . but her tears stop, even if only because she can't handle the idea of crying in front of someone anymore. it feels so shameful, so silly, when he won't reach out to her but - she supposes that's what they need to do now. if he doesn't want to reach for her, then she'll stop expecting it.]
I can try but I - I have one question.
[and it's something she needs because she's leaving it up to him to decide - because he'd thought something earlier, and it stung so badly to know that she'd done something wrong. she needs to know if he meant it.]
... do you still want me to let you go?
[in whatever way he means. if he wants her to let him leave now, or if he wants her to try to kill whatever feelings she has too. if he needs space, and wants her to pull back. if maybe that line drawn in the sand from weeks ago needs to finally mean something instead of just be something they said.]
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...Like, leave here? I - yeah. I probably need - I need to go cool off. [ not literally. he's still really jittery, still pretty clearly trying to fight back a lot of emotion. I'm gonna go back to the dorm. I need to some time to think.
[ i want to go talk to beau. is what gets projected because sometimes your emotional support big sister is real? also deeply considering going to get polymorphed into a dog for like six hours. that sounds nice.
anyway. ]
....but... [ and, really, he needs some time to think on this, too. he chews on his lip, for a moment. ] ... I want you to do what's going to be the best for you. I know that's probably not the answer you wanna hear, but - it's not right of me to give you one, I don't think. Especially not right now.
[ a small smile. ] I think maybe gimme a little time to think over that, too - at least on my end.
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. . . . as for his own time that he needs to take for that answer - ]
Take all the time you need.
[even longer than the next few weeks is fine with her really? she was probably going to just try to leave the game and emotionally ghost until he got a girlfriend? that was originally her plan, and now she's pretty much just going to continue vibe in that type of plan. it's easy to have faith until you're no longer seeing that person.
it's hard - to feel like she doesn't just cause more problems for him. but she'll try to give him space.]
... I'll see you later. Sorry about the mess today.
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[ and that is very genuine. even if it was messy. even if it was exhausting. even if he would like to just go lay on the couch face first for a few hours and then maybe become a dog. thankfully none of iris's game plan gets projected over here, which is good, because his head feels like its swimming with a thousand different thoughts all at once and it does not need any more.
he gives her a little bit of a smile, adjusts his sling a bit, and goes to head back to the dorm. ] See ya later.