Um. Yes? [jesus - though her thoughts immediately read how dangerous] ... well, ah, thank you...
[gorgeous! wow. very cute. but she's going to fluster just a little before going to sit next to him poolside. she's going to put her basket off to the side, and then bring out a few items - some iced tea for them both because holy shit it's hot out, and then two bubble blowers except they're blue because fuck you, winter rules.]
I just thought we could play with these to keep our minds off the heat.
[ . . . . . . . ]
And yes, Crow gave me his necklace to hold onto. [like a persistent buffoon]
[IS THAT? EVERYTHING? HE ASKED HER? in order of Most to Least Willing to Answer Right Away]
Hah. I haven't seen one of these since I was a kid. [ oh he's gonna die today it's fine.
he will take the bubble blower, though! he's only got one hand functioning still at the moment, so it's just a little bit awkward - doing things with his left hand is really hard, actually? but he examines it anyway. dangerous is the right word. is he flustered? maybe he's just sunburned. that's all. god.
he's gonna focus on crow's necklace, that seems like a safe topic! "get it together, man." ] ... That was nice of him. [ a little huff. he likes crow, even if his face looks just like samatoki's. ] Just cause?
[ they're in love probably it's cool
no im kidding he's genuinely curious about it! and ichiro gives her a smile. ]
I haven't played with them before! So now I'm going to.
[she's just going to let her feetsies fall over the edge of the pool then, making a pleased little noise when she gets to touch the cool of the water. she really doesn't do well in heat.]
But Crow said something about 'hold onto it for me and then I'll drag myself back over there to retrieve it'. [her finger flicks against the trigger of the bubble blower and lets a line of bubbles float in front of them, using her other hand to pop them, index finger extended] He's sentimental [and persistent] even if he hates to admit it.
[ aw... that is sweet. ichiro glances over at her for a second, and then looks away, moving to sit back a little and watch the bubbles before pushing the trigger on his own to add a stream to hers, making a few bigger bubbles to join them. there's some lizard part of his thoughts that feels a little weird about that, but he manages to quash it down before anything comes through. ]
Sounds like him. We miss him, too. [ though admittedly sometimes seeing him around a corner still activated ichiro's fight or fight response. ] I know you guys were really close, right?
[she doesn't curse out loud but the thought comes through: dammit.
she pinches the bridge of her nose and it's so obvious that she's annoyed. she's not even flustered? just irritated. she puts the bubble blower into her left hand so that she can gently tap ichiro with her right one.]
... I need to clarify very fast that it's not like that. I already told you I don't date - why would I then turn around and be involved with him? I wouldn't lie to you.
[ oh. he immediately looks at her, confused, at first? like he can't really connect what she's talking about - and then it clicks, and ichiro's cheeks go red, again. ]
Oh. Oh, oh - shit. I. Sorry, I didn't -
[ this thought reading effect is actually the worst thing in the world. ] ... sorry.
[ way to go dumbass. he knows better than that! can he just melt into the floor. ]
[ . . . . she sighs a little bit at that, somewhere between endeared and worried. her hand comes up then to poke his cheek, dodging his injuries.]
.... he does, though. [a beat] Want to be involved with me.
And I'm not telling you this as a challenge, or because I want this to get any more complicated. But if he knows about you [because ichiro is so public and het] it doesn't feel right for you to not know about him.
[ oh. the poke gets him to close his red eye, since it's right underneath it, but - ah.
well.
ichiro looks at her, and then shifts away a little, gaze tracking down to the water, and... really, there's no need for his thoughts to get projected, because he just says them. they're all over his face. heart on his sleeve, like always. ]
[ . . . . she shifts then so that she can lightly bump against him, as if to try to dispel that look off his face.]
... I'm not mad at you, or even all that unhappy. I just -
[her thoughts spill and despite her projected nonchalance and calm, they're - desperate, and they're messy.
I want better for you. I want better for him. I want you to have a love that isn't cruel. I wish you'd believe me when I say I'll disappoint you. I'msohappyyoulikeme. YouscaremebecauseIwantyou. Ican'twantyouboth. Please don't hate me.]
[ well - that's a lot! he's not really expecting it, either, and ends up just kind of staring at her for a second when the thoughts taper off, looking at her, wide eyed and surprised. ]
...
[ and, the first thought that comes through is...
I don't know what to do. because he doesn't. because he wants to help iris, he wants - he wants to put that look on her face that he saw on saturday, the one that was joyful and happy, he just wants to do something right, and this is just another piece to add into an extremely complicated mess that's already apparently been existing the entire time.
he swallows. ]
I don't hate you. [ that first, blurted out. utterly, completely sincere. ] I couldn't.
[ .... ]
Crow's a really good guy, you know? [ if i pull back, is it gonna be easier? what the fuck do i do? i want to help - i don't want to hurt her ] And he's - not around, right now, so... [ will that be easier? it's farther away? i'm such an asshole. ] I didn't...
[ shit, how much damage did i do? ] I'm sorry. You - there's nothing for you to apologize for.
You should. [her mouth beats her thoughts in that one - You should hate me. - because her distress is showing through now.] That's not - Please stop apologizing. [Or do you regret all of it? Right. Of course you would.
she pulls back then, pressing a hand over her own heart, feeling as though it might escape right out of her ribcage with the intensity of her feelings. she's not sure what it is. fear? is she afraid? is she upset? is she defensive? protective?
she's not sure. she's dizzy.]
You've never hurt me. Stop saying that. Stop thinking that, I -
[I like you more than I should, because I know you'll keep me safe. That's the whole problem.]
You haven't done anything wrong. If you keep insulting yourself, I'm really going to get angry.
Don't start thinking that I regret anything, then, either.
[ there's a sharpness to that, one he rarely shows in front of iris - it's out of frustration. the way iris pulls back is - it's fine. he knows, he knows she's been through hell, he knows why she reacts that way, but there's a tiny, fragile part of him that's only ever had feelings for someone once and it ended so, so badly, too. there's a part of him that has only ever wanted to help. there's a part of him that cares, that thinks, something close to heartbroken;
couldn't she have told me before?
because he doesn't regret anything - loving something or someone is something that he has only ever regretted once, in his entire life, and it's a lesson that he learned well - but that tiny, fragile part of him is hurt, right now, in a way it hasn't been hurt in a long time.
she's been through it. you know that's why. you're about to hurt her. stop. stop, don't get mad. don't get mad. it's not her fault, stop.
she said she was honest with me and - god damn it, this stupid effect -
he stops. runs his hand through his hair. takes a deep breath. he's holding still, unbelievably tense - trying to figure out what the right thing to do is physically, too. stay? leave?
get over it? ]
... Iris, I - [ quiet - ichiro can't get angry right now. not at himself, not at the world, not at anything else. ] ...
... You really matter to me, and I really care about you. That's never gonna change. I'm not going anywhere, but I made shit harder for you.
[ i'll get over it. i'm strong i'm strong i'm strong i'm strong ] ...I'll try harder to move on. Okay? I can try.
she listens. she hears it, every thought, and she goes quiet. her thoughts go into a subtle but intense thrum in overdrive as she plays so many conversations back. so many chats. she was honest. she was as honest as she ever could be. she said someone else wanted to date her. she doesn't want this. he makes her greedy. she's an awful person to court. it's not his fault. it's her fault. it always turns out like this. love is an affliction.
some part of her wants to cry but she won't. none of this is fair to anyone, but she is the common denominator. she is the problem. she's always the problem. why did I ever think otherwise?]
I'm going to go. I'll see you at home.
You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry.
[she has to get away before she ruins anything else.]
his gut churns, and it's lucky, maybe, that his thoughts aren't projected, because he thinks about the meeting that's coming tonight, and the lies he's going to have to tell.
he's going to have to write crow a letter and apologize. god, he's a piece of shit. is he any better than samatoki? probably not. she might practically be able to feel the way his thoughts move from heartbreak to distress as he starts to reach out, but -
a little more unlucky, is that the last thought that really comes out is something along the lines of - have i ever done anything right, here?
[because i need something that isn't depression she very nearly eats shit and slips into the pool when that last thought slips out.
she pauses, and her thoughts are blank because what's happening is something closer to a fight, flight, or freeze response. right now? she's freezing. but there is an urge for her to run, very far away from this. there's something that makes her want to leave the thing that's scaring her, that's causing her pain -
however.
there is also a fight response. and it is the fight response that ignites every single time someone dear to her is hurting, and it is worse now because she knows she's part of that pain, that she's not helping anyone with anything, but. but.
(ichiro hates being abandoned. he's been left behind before, and he reacted so strongly the first time she tried to run away from him. she knows.she knows, she knows, she knows. she—)
turns around and marches up to him, angry now.]
I'm going to smack you.
Don't start with me on doing anything right here. Don't say that when I've watched you comfort Hope and Futaba, when I know that you work hard in the kitchen, and then bring food to others to bring them comfort. When you gathered money for Kainé to have a roof over her head, when you make Kon and Beauregard laugh even after a hellish weekend. Do you think that all you can do is protect people with your fists? Don't you know what you manage to do for people's hearts, Ichiro? What use is a healthy body when your spirits are trampled on? You save people. Every single day.
I am a disaster. I'm a mess, and I'm so sorry that you've discovered that the hard way. But don't second-guess whether or not you've done anything right when some days, you keep me sane. When you do everything right for me, and I'm too broken to respond the way you deserve. But some days you could even get me to forget that.
[Some days I felt a little whole again.]
I know you're stressed. I know you're frustrated, and it's getting worse every week. I know that I - I'm not helping, and I'm so sorry.
But you are one of the best. And I'm not going to walk away and let you think you're anything but.
[ ichiro is starting to get up when she turns around, just looking for literally anywhere else to go so he's not projecting thoughts mess all over the place, and then suddenly iris is lecturing him. and it's -
it's almost unfair. this is sort of how this started, in a way - iris's unending kindness towards him, the way she tried so hard to keep him from falling back into bad places. he's been in a bad place since he got here, and she's right in that it's only getting worse. don't- his thoughts start, but he manages to shut them up long enough to listen while she talks about how great he is.
( you save people every day. does he? is that what he's going to do tonight, save someone? )
the guilt squeezes around his heart like a vice. guilt for what is coming. guilt for the fact that he couldn't keep his head together long enough to not fall into this, to not make things worse for iris. guilt that that big heart of ichiro's traitorously still feels a flutter. it hurts. it hurts so fucking bad. ]
...
[ i don't deserve anything.
don't get mad don't get mad don't get mad don't get mad ]
Thank you. [ is what he manages, gritted. tense, holding himself coiled up like a snake. somewhere between snapping - his temper is so short and even now it flares up in a desperate, caged animal sort of anger - and breaking down into frustrated tears. he doesn't want to get angry at iris, even if the sweetness of these words are just like grabbing a knife and twisting it.
(his best wasn't enough the first time, either.) ] Look, I -
[ he shoves his good hand into his pocket. maybe it'll be better this way. maybe it won't break her heart when she finds out. crow's dead because of this group he's joined up with now, after all. it's a question he's found himself wondering in his darkest moments at home, when he's felt low again (though then, he could just go see his brothers, and feel the whole world lighten up at the reminder) - is there ever enough good that can make for the things i've done?.
...
whatever he was gonna say fades away, and he reroutes, finally looking back at her. ] ... 'm glad I helped. [ because he is. at least there's that. at least he helped her feel a tiny bit better about something, apparently. on top of making it worse ] I'll apologize to him when we get them back.
[ at least he can do that right, too. ] I'll try to keep helping. That's all I can do.
[ ichiro's never someone to run away from a situation, but right now, he doesn't know what to do. he has no idea, and protagonist-ing his way through this one doesn't seem like it's going to do anything, and he's scared he's going to lose control of all of that buried fury the more iris says nice things to him, like this. it might've been easier on him if she just walked away.
[a beat of silence hangs in the air and then all iris can say is a sharp, abrupt - ]
Why are you lying to me?
[ichiro yamada hates lying and liars. iris lies and is a liar - but she's never lied to him, because she wants to take care of him even more than she wants to protect herself. she wants to respect his ideals, and give him honesty, even when it might hurt.
so why does she hear his thoughts, and why are you trying to protect me? why does that still matter? there's so much in what he said and thought that fails to make any sense to her, and all she sees is someone in front of her hurting, and trying so hard to hold himself together that he doesn't realize he's already cracking.]
Do you think I can't handle your truth? What on earth do you have to apologize to Crow for, I would never apologize to him for anything. [SO BRUTAL BUT SO HONEST
but she's not the type to just sit down and accept it. she's not the type of person to be afraid, or worried about what people might say about her. if there's anyone here who deserves to hate her, it's ichiro - and so she doesn't hesitate to challenge - ]
Get mad already. I know you are. What's the point in holding it back? Are you trying to insult me?
[I don't mean that I'm sorry I don't but please stop hurting yourself for me.]
she asked for it! this is the part of ichiro that he hates the absolute most about himself, because he loses every ounce of his control, he has and snaps. his voice starts rising in volume - ]
What the fuck, Iris? What the fuck do you think? They can all see us, and I haven't just been throwing this shit in his face? What kind of person do you think I am, that I'm okay with that? Of course I have to fucking apologize to him! He's fucking dead, and I'm -
[ no. he stops, there, takes a deep, heaving breath, jittering, angry, and starts off again, low and quiet, but gaining volume with every word. ] Are you seriously asking me why I'm trying to protect you? You keep insisting I'm this great fucking person, and I'm not, I'm just not - why do you get to say that, and I can't?! You think I can't tell how fucking bad you got hurt - you think I don't know that? You just keep telling me that you're - that you're evil, that you're greedy, whatever, but then you turn around and you do everything for us! You've done everything for me. Of course I'm trying to fucking protect you, because this [ an outward gesture with his good hand, mostly at himself ] is what I didn't want to happen! You hate watching me say bad shit about myself? Good, maybe you'll fucking figure out how much we all hate it when you do that, too!
You wouldn't apologize to Crow for anything, right? But you'll apologize to me? Maybe it's better, cause he's not - he's not like me, he pretends he doesn't give a shit and maybe that's better, maybe that's what you want, but - god, I don't even know what you want, I don't even think you know, and that's not even what this is about! This isn't even like some fucking him or me shit, either, I don't care about that, I fucking care about you, and him, and I'm so fucking tired of hurting people on accident!
[ because I did it again. I'm doing it right now.
he stops himself. forces himself, takes three steps back as he takes in a sharp breath, no longer shouting as the realization hits him. ] This - this is exactly what I didn't want to do, why did you -
[ and the anger turns to something else, an anguish, a horror that makes his face crumple up at the realization that he just fucking lost it at iris, the one thing he was trying so hard not to ever do.
for a second that's all that she's able to think, in the face of his anger. everyone spits venom at her. everyone gets mad at her, and they throw things in her face, and she invites a lot of it. sometimes she's just trying to live her life and people decide they have issues with that, but in this case, she just listens because - different though.
no one's ever really gotten mad at her because they cared too much before - it's usually caring too little.
there is some surprise on her face when he works through his anger - but it fades quickly. she knows how intense ichiro can get, and she settles for watching him lose it. she doesn't reach out to him even when he takes all those steps back, because he wants her to let him go, right? so she should. that's what she should do.]
... I asked you to. It's not an accident, and I'm not hurt as badly as you think. I'm used to this. I'm a little sorry I baited you, but I already told you that anger is just another way that conviction manifests. I'm just as tired of watching you hold it to yourself and beating yourself up over it.
[so she can be a verbal punching bag, and she doesn't mind. people have been too nice to her here - it's nostalgic to see a little anger]
And it's okay if you're tired of me, or frustrated with me. You're right. I don't know what I want. I've known that much for a while, and it's why I tried to keep a boundary between us - not that either of us paid much attention to it, did we. [she's willing to own it - but he has to, too. she tried to stop this weeks ago, but somewhere between "If I'm going to kiss you - " and "You make me greedy" they both failed to stick the landing entirely] ... but I didn't know Crow was serious until yesterday either. I thought I should tell you as soon as I could, because he can watch you but you can't watch him. It felt unfair, and I don't like keeping things from you.
[ . . . she tries to search his face, but she settles for crossing her arms, feeling a little silly. she wants to reach out to him, but she shouldn't. she wants to comfort him, but she doesn't know how. all she can do is try to prove that he's not as bad with delicate things as he thought - or maybe she's not that delicate after all.
you didn't say anything I don't deserve.]
It's okay, Ichiro. I'm not afraid, or broken any worse. [I know all of this comes from a place of kindness so - ] You still haven't hurt me.
[ nope! nope!! this explanation, this logic? he hates it. he absolutely fucking hates it, and not a single word of it sticks.
he sucks in a breath, and says - this time, it's almost desperate, his voice aching and so, so small. ]
Why can't I convince you that you matter more than that?
[ that you matter so much more than being someone's verbal punching bag?
maybe that is true. maybe he was on the right track. ichiro just isn't a liar. he can't keep things off of his face, he can't stop wearing his heart on his sleeve. he can't be reeled in and then shoved away, over and over. he can't. he can't lie to iris - because this happens. he tried to lie to protect them both, and he failed. he told the truth during that stupid fucking party game because he didn't want iris to think that he cared about her because of some stupid fucking dare.
but crow is snarky, and pretends to be fake, and ichiro knows he cares but covers it up, and that's safer. it makes sense, ultimately, and now, he's gone and hurt two people that matter to him because of it. and now he's going to hurt one even worse - and now he's implicit in the very thing that put crow where he is.
ichiro's projected thoughts are just, over and over why, why, i'm so sorry, i lost it, why, i fucking lost it again, what the fuck is wrong with me, why and takes another step back, because this - snapping at her like this, even if she says it doesn't hurt her (because it does, because he can hear her fucking thoughts, because he knows it does might've just broken him in two.
you shouldn't ever build yourself up on pillars of sand. inevitably, one little earthquake is going to send you crashing right back down again.
i'm going to be sick ]
If you see him before I can send anything, tell him I'm sorry. I'll back off, I - I'll go.
[ ichiro doesn't run from anything, but for the first time in his life, he wants to. he wants to run the other direction. he wants - he just wants to go home. he wants to go really home. and not to winter, either - back to ikebukuro, back to his brothers and his division. he wants to go home.
how far away does he have to go to fix this? is that what will make things easier? ]
it's funny, what iris will endure, as long as someone will stay. funnier still, considering the fact that she is the flight risk in many ways. but once she's chosen to stay somewhere, she will normally plant her feet on the ground and stay rooted. she was stopped from running because she decided that protecting ichiro from his own self-loathing mattered more to her than her trauma. it mattered more to her than protecting herself from getting hurt again.
but he's the one leaving now. of course he is. this is familiar too. when someone realizes you're too ugly to keep.
the voice in her head is berating, but it's clearly talking to herself: you knew this would happen. why did you try again. look at what you've done to him. what do you ever hope to get more than you already have. they'll all leave once you make a mistake and you've made so many. don't trust don't love don't trust don't love what's wrong with you everything]
Okay.
[she smiles, and it's perfect. it's convincing, and it's easy. her voice doesn't shake, or waver. she ignores the tears that prick at the corners of her eyes and fall.]
[ he makes a noise - choked off, miserable, frozen where he stands, and doesn't move, and just says what he's thinking, which is - ]
Iris, what do you want me to do.
[ i'm begging you.
because it's not convincing. at all. he's not convinced for a fucking second, and if he leaves, he's the scum of the fucking earth, but does she want him to leave? does she want him to stay? does she want him to say something or fight for it or --
[she opens her mouth to say it doesn't hurt but it does. it so obviously does and she can't lie to him. she can let him go, and she can let him try to leave, but she can't lie. ichiro doesn't like liars. maybe I should lie so he hates me more? but that thought gets discarded. no, I can't. because he is still precious to her and she will never do a disservice to those precious to her
so she speaks - and there's no room for thoughts, because they all leave her mouth in a rush even as her expression breaks a little.]
.... I don't want you to be mad at yourself. You can be mad at me. But why would I let you be mad at yourself when you haven't done anything wrong? You can lose your temper, and you can yell at me, and I'm not scared. But you get mad at yourself when you experience anything bad and -
That's not right. You only do good.
I've tried to tell you that I have nothing to give - I never have. I'm not good at this. I like you, but I can't promise anything because this is a ridiculous place, and things got so complicated.
I want you to be happy, but all I do is make things worse. So I wish you would go, and ignore me.
I'll be okay. I'm not blind to how fortunate I am. But I don't want to hurt anyone either. I don't want to hurt you.
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Um. Yes? [jesus - though her thoughts immediately read how dangerous] ... well, ah, thank you...
[gorgeous! wow. very cute. but she's going to fluster just a little before going to sit next to him poolside. she's going to put her basket off to the side, and then bring out a few items - some iced tea for them both because holy shit it's hot out, and then two bubble blowers except they're blue because fuck you, winter rules.]
I just thought we could play with these to keep our minds off the heat.
[ . . . . . . . ]
And yes, Crow gave me his necklace to hold onto. [like a persistent buffoon]
[IS THAT? EVERYTHING? HE ASKED HER? in order of Most to Least Willing to Answer Right Away]
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he will take the bubble blower, though! he's only got one hand functioning still at the moment, so it's just a little bit awkward - doing things with his left hand is really hard, actually? but he examines it anyway. dangerous is the right word. is he flustered? maybe he's just sunburned. that's all. god.
he's gonna focus on crow's necklace, that seems like a safe topic! "get it together, man." ] ... That was nice of him. [ a little huff. he likes crow, even if his face looks just like samatoki's. ] Just cause?
[ they're in love probably it's cool
no im kidding he's genuinely curious about it! and ichiro gives her a smile. ]
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[she's just going to let her feetsies fall over the edge of the pool then, making a pleased little noise when she gets to touch the cool of the water. she really doesn't do well in heat.]
But Crow said something about 'hold onto it for me and then I'll drag myself back over there to retrieve it'. [her finger flicks against the trigger of the bubble blower and lets a line of bubbles float in front of them, using her other hand to pop them, index finger extended] He's sentimental [and persistent] even if he hates to admit it.
He misses you all.
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Sounds like him. We miss him, too. [ though admittedly sometimes seeing him around a corner still activated ichiro's fight or fight response. ] I know you guys were really close, right?
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the thought that comes through without her permission is too close]
... mm-hmm.
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[ ... well. he's not dumb. he also can't really pretend he didn't hear that, unfortunately, not in the way he wants to.
... maybe it's just me.
.... ]
... uh. Well, it'll be good to get him back, and everyone. Right? I'm sure he misses Winter, too.
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[she doesn't curse out loud but the thought comes through: dammit.
she pinches the bridge of her nose and it's so obvious that she's annoyed. she's not even flustered? just irritated. she puts the bubble blower into her left hand so that she can gently tap ichiro with her right one.]
... I need to clarify very fast that it's not like that. I already told you I don't date - why would I then turn around and be involved with him? I wouldn't lie to you.
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Oh. Oh, oh - shit. I. Sorry, I didn't -
[ this thought reading effect is actually the worst thing in the world. ] ... sorry.
[ way to go dumbass. he knows better than that! can he just melt into the floor. ]
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.... he does, though. [a beat] Want to be involved with me.
And I'm not telling you this as a challenge, or because I want this to get any more complicated. But if he knows about you [because ichiro is so public and het] it doesn't feel right for you to not know about him.
[ . . . ]
Even though I wish you would both move on.
[I don't deserve that type of attention.]
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well.
ichiro looks at her, and then shifts away a little, gaze tracking down to the water, and... really, there's no need for his thoughts to get projected, because he just says them. they're all over his face. heart on his sleeve, like always. ]
...I'm trying.
[ painfully honest. guilty, too. ] .... sorry.
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... I'm not mad at you, or even all that unhappy. I just -
[her thoughts spill and despite her projected nonchalance and calm, they're - desperate, and they're messy.
I want better for you. I want better for him. I want you to have a love that isn't cruel. I wish you'd believe me when I say I'll disappoint you. I'msohappyyoulikeme. YouscaremebecauseIwantyou. Ican'twantyouboth. Please don't hate me.]
.... I'm sorry. I can go.
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...
[ and, the first thought that comes through is...
I don't know what to do. because he doesn't. because he wants to help iris, he wants - he wants to put that look on her face that he saw on saturday, the one that was joyful and happy, he just wants to do something right, and this is just another piece to add into an extremely complicated mess that's already apparently been existing the entire time.
he swallows. ]
I don't hate you. [ that first, blurted out. utterly, completely sincere. ] I couldn't.
[ .... ]
Crow's a really good guy, you know? [ if i pull back, is it gonna be easier? what the fuck do i do? i want to help - i don't want to hurt her ] And he's - not around, right now, so... [ will that be easier? it's farther away? i'm such an asshole. ] I didn't...
[ shit, how much damage did i do? ] I'm sorry. You - there's nothing for you to apologize for.
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she pulls back then, pressing a hand over her own heart, feeling as though it might escape right out of her ribcage with the intensity of her feelings. she's not sure what it is. fear? is she afraid? is she upset? is she defensive? protective?
she's not sure. she's dizzy.]
You've never hurt me. Stop saying that. Stop thinking that, I -
[I like you more than I should, because I know you'll keep me safe. That's the whole problem.]
You haven't done anything wrong. If you keep insulting yourself, I'm really going to get angry.
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[ there's a sharpness to that, one he rarely shows in front of iris - it's out of frustration. the way iris pulls back is - it's fine. he knows, he knows she's been through hell, he knows why she reacts that way, but there's a tiny, fragile part of him that's only ever had feelings for someone once and it ended so, so badly, too. there's a part of him that has only ever wanted to help. there's a part of him that cares, that thinks, something close to heartbroken;
couldn't she have told me before?
because he doesn't regret anything - loving something or someone is something that he has only ever regretted once, in his entire life, and it's a lesson that he learned well - but that tiny, fragile part of him is hurt, right now, in a way it hasn't been hurt in a long time.
she's been through it. you know that's why. you're about to hurt her. stop. stop, don't get mad. don't get mad. it's not her fault, stop.
she said she was honest with me and - god damn it, this stupid effect -
he stops. runs his hand through his hair. takes a deep breath. he's holding still, unbelievably tense - trying to figure out what the right thing to do is physically, too. stay? leave?
get over it? ]
... Iris, I - [ quiet - ichiro can't get angry right now. not at himself, not at the world, not at anything else. ] ...
... You really matter to me, and I really care about you. That's never gonna change. I'm not going anywhere, but I made shit harder for you.
[ i'll get over it. i'm strong i'm strong i'm strong i'm strong ] ...I'll try harder to move on. Okay? I can try.
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she listens. she hears it, every thought, and she goes quiet. her thoughts go into a subtle but intense thrum in overdrive as she plays so many conversations back. so many chats. she was honest. she was as honest as she ever could be. she said someone else wanted to date her. she doesn't want this. he makes her greedy. she's an awful person to court. it's not his fault. it's her fault. it always turns out like this. love is an affliction.
some part of her wants to cry but she won't. none of this is fair to anyone, but she is the common denominator. she is the problem. she's always the problem. why did I ever think otherwise?]
I'm going to go. I'll see you at home.
You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry.
[she has to get away before she ruins anything else.]
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his gut churns, and it's lucky, maybe, that his thoughts aren't projected, because he thinks about the meeting that's coming tonight, and the lies he's going to have to tell.
he's going to have to write crow a letter and apologize. god, he's a piece of shit. is he any better than samatoki? probably not. she might practically be able to feel the way his thoughts move from heartbreak to distress as he starts to reach out, but -
a little more unlucky, is that the last thought that really comes out is something along the lines of - have i ever done anything right, here?
... and ultimately, he lets iris escape. ]
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she pauses, and her thoughts are blank because what's happening is something closer to a fight, flight, or freeze response. right now? she's freezing. but there is an urge for her to run, very far away from this. there's something that makes her want to leave the thing that's scaring her, that's causing her pain -
however.
there is also a fight response. and it is the fight response that ignites every single time someone dear to her is hurting, and it is worse now because she knows she's part of that pain, that she's not helping anyone with anything, but. but.
(ichiro hates being abandoned. he's been left behind before, and he reacted so strongly the first time she tried to run away from him. she knows.she knows, she knows, she knows. she—)
turns around and marches up to him, angry now.]
I'm going to smack you.
Don't start with me on doing anything right here. Don't say that when I've watched you comfort Hope and Futaba, when I know that you work hard in the kitchen, and then bring food to others to bring them comfort. When you gathered money for Kainé to have a roof over her head, when you make Kon and Beauregard laugh even after a hellish weekend. Do you think that all you can do is protect people with your fists? Don't you know what you manage to do for people's hearts, Ichiro? What use is a healthy body when your spirits are trampled on? You save people. Every single day.
I am a disaster. I'm a mess, and I'm so sorry that you've discovered that the hard way. But don't second-guess whether or not you've done anything right when some days, you keep me sane. When you do everything right for me, and I'm too broken to respond the way you deserve. But some days you could even get me to forget that.
[Some days I felt a little whole again.]
I know you're stressed. I know you're frustrated, and it's getting worse every week. I know that I - I'm not helping, and I'm so sorry.
But you are one of the best. And I'm not going to walk away and let you think you're anything but.
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it's almost unfair. this is sort of how this started, in a way - iris's unending kindness towards him, the way she tried so hard to keep him from falling back into bad places. he's been in a bad place since he got here, and she's right in that it's only getting worse. don't- his thoughts start, but he manages to shut them up long enough to listen while she talks about how great he is.
( you save people every day. does he? is that what he's going to do tonight, save someone? )
the guilt squeezes around his heart like a vice. guilt for what is coming. guilt for the fact that he couldn't keep his head together long enough to not fall into this, to not make things worse for iris. guilt that that big heart of ichiro's traitorously still feels a flutter. it hurts. it hurts so fucking bad. ]
...
[ i don't deserve anything.
don't get mad don't get mad don't get mad don't get mad ]
Thank you. [ is what he manages, gritted. tense, holding himself coiled up like a snake. somewhere between snapping - his temper is so short and even now it flares up in a desperate, caged animal sort of anger - and breaking down into frustrated tears. he doesn't want to get angry at iris, even if the sweetness of these words are just like grabbing a knife and twisting it.
(his best wasn't enough the first time, either.) ] Look, I -
[ he shoves his good hand into his pocket. maybe it'll be better this way. maybe it won't break her heart when she finds out. crow's dead because of this group he's joined up with now, after all. it's a question he's found himself wondering in his darkest moments at home, when he's felt low again (though then, he could just go see his brothers, and feel the whole world lighten up at the reminder) - is there ever enough good that can make for the things i've done?.
...
whatever he was gonna say fades away, and he reroutes, finally looking back at her. ] ... 'm glad I helped. [ because he is. at least there's that. at least he helped her feel a tiny bit better about something, apparently. on top of making it worse ] I'll apologize to him when we get them back.
[ at least he can do that right, too. ] I'll try to keep helping. That's all I can do.
[ ichiro's never someone to run away from a situation, but right now, he doesn't know what to do. he has no idea, and protagonist-ing his way through this one doesn't seem like it's going to do anything, and he's scared he's going to lose control of all of that buried fury the more iris says nice things to him, like this. it might've been easier on him if she just walked away.
that's what everyone else always did. ]
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Why are you lying to me?
[ichiro yamada hates lying and liars. iris lies and is a liar - but she's never lied to him, because she wants to take care of him even more than she wants to protect herself. she wants to respect his ideals, and give him honesty, even when it might hurt.
so why does she hear his thoughts, and why are you trying to protect me? why does that still matter? there's so much in what he said and thought that fails to make any sense to her, and all she sees is someone in front of her hurting, and trying so hard to hold himself together that he doesn't realize he's already cracking.]
Do you think I can't handle your truth? What on earth do you have to apologize to Crow for, I would never apologize to him for anything. [SO BRUTAL BUT SO HONEST
but she's not the type to just sit down and accept it. she's not the type of person to be afraid, or worried about what people might say about her. if there's anyone here who deserves to hate her, it's ichiro - and so she doesn't hesitate to challenge - ]
Get mad already. I know you are. What's the point in holding it back? Are you trying to insult me?
[I don't mean that I'm sorry I don't but please stop hurting yourself for me.]
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she asked for it! this is the part of ichiro that he hates the absolute most about himself, because he loses every ounce of his control, he has and snaps. his voice starts rising in volume - ]
What the fuck, Iris? What the fuck do you think? They can all see us, and I haven't just been throwing this shit in his face? What kind of person do you think I am, that I'm okay with that? Of course I have to fucking apologize to him! He's fucking dead, and I'm -
[ no. he stops, there, takes a deep, heaving breath, jittering, angry, and starts off again, low and quiet, but gaining volume with every word. ] Are you seriously asking me why I'm trying to protect you? You keep insisting I'm this great fucking person, and I'm not, I'm just not - why do you get to say that, and I can't?! You think I can't tell how fucking bad you got hurt - you think I don't know that? You just keep telling me that you're - that you're evil, that you're greedy, whatever, but then you turn around and you do everything for us! You've done everything for me. Of course I'm trying to fucking protect you, because this [ an outward gesture with his good hand, mostly at himself ] is what I didn't want to happen! You hate watching me say bad shit about myself? Good, maybe you'll fucking figure out how much we all hate it when you do that, too!
You wouldn't apologize to Crow for anything, right? But you'll apologize to me? Maybe it's better, cause he's not - he's not like me, he pretends he doesn't give a shit and maybe that's better, maybe that's what you want, but - god, I don't even know what you want, I don't even think you know, and that's not even what this is about! This isn't even like some fucking him or me shit, either, I don't care about that, I fucking care about you, and him, and I'm so fucking tired of hurting people on accident!
[ because I did it again. I'm doing it right now.
he stops himself. forces himself, takes three steps back as he takes in a sharp breath, no longer shouting as the realization hits him. ] This - this is exactly what I didn't want to do, why did you -
[ and the anger turns to something else, an anguish, a horror that makes his face crumple up at the realization that he just fucking lost it at iris, the one thing he was trying so hard not to ever do.
why wouldn't you just let me go?
he takes another step back.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. no, fuck, no-- ]
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for a second that's all that she's able to think, in the face of his anger. everyone spits venom at her. everyone gets mad at her, and they throw things in her face, and she invites a lot of it. sometimes she's just trying to live her life and people decide they have issues with that, but in this case, she just listens because - different though.
no one's ever really gotten mad at her because they cared too much before - it's usually caring too little.
there is some surprise on her face when he works through his anger - but it fades quickly. she knows how intense ichiro can get, and she settles for watching him lose it. she doesn't reach out to him even when he takes all those steps back, because he wants her to let him go, right? so she should. that's what she should do.]
... I asked you to. It's not an accident, and I'm not hurt as badly as you think. I'm used to this. I'm a little sorry I baited you, but I already told you that anger is just another way that conviction manifests. I'm just as tired of watching you hold it to yourself and beating yourself up over it.
[so she can be a verbal punching bag, and she doesn't mind. people have been too nice to her here - it's nostalgic to see a little anger]
And it's okay if you're tired of me, or frustrated with me. You're right. I don't know what I want. I've known that much for a while, and it's why I tried to keep a boundary between us - not that either of us paid much attention to it, did we. [she's willing to own it - but he has to, too. she tried to stop this weeks ago, but somewhere between "If I'm going to kiss you - " and "You make me greedy" they both failed to stick the landing entirely] ... but I didn't know Crow was serious until yesterday either. I thought I should tell you as soon as I could, because he can watch you but you can't watch him. It felt unfair, and I don't like keeping things from you.
[ . . . she tries to search his face, but she settles for crossing her arms, feeling a little silly. she wants to reach out to him, but she shouldn't. she wants to comfort him, but she doesn't know how. all she can do is try to prove that he's not as bad with delicate things as he thought - or maybe she's not that delicate after all.
you didn't say anything I don't deserve.]
It's okay, Ichiro. I'm not afraid, or broken any worse. [I know all of this comes from a place of kindness so - ] You still haven't hurt me.
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he sucks in a breath, and says - this time, it's almost desperate, his voice aching and so, so small. ]
Why can't I convince you that you matter more than that?
[ that you matter so much more than being someone's verbal punching bag?
maybe that is true. maybe he was on the right track. ichiro just isn't a liar. he can't keep things off of his face, he can't stop wearing his heart on his sleeve. he can't be reeled in and then shoved away, over and over. he can't. he can't lie to iris - because this happens. he tried to lie to protect them both, and he failed. he told the truth during that stupid fucking party game because he didn't want iris to think that he cared about her because of some stupid fucking dare.
but crow is snarky, and pretends to be fake, and ichiro knows he cares but covers it up, and that's safer. it makes sense, ultimately, and now, he's gone and hurt two people that matter to him because of it. and now he's going to hurt one even worse - and now he's implicit in the very thing that put crow where he is.
ichiro's projected thoughts are just, over and over why, why, i'm so sorry, i lost it, why, i fucking lost it again, what the fuck is wrong with me, why and takes another step back, because this - snapping at her like this, even if she says it doesn't hurt her (because it does, because he can hear her fucking thoughts, because he knows it does might've just broken him in two.
you shouldn't ever build yourself up on pillars of sand. inevitably, one little earthquake is going to send you crashing right back down again.
i'm going to be sick ]
If you see him before I can send anything, tell him I'm sorry. I'll back off, I - I'll go.
[ ichiro doesn't run from anything, but for the first time in his life, he wants to. he wants to run the other direction. he wants - he just wants to go home. he wants to go really home. and not to winter, either - back to ikebukuro, back to his brothers and his division. he wants to go home.
how far away does he have to go to fix this? is that what will make things easier? ]
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this one hurts.
it's funny, what iris will endure, as long as someone will stay. funnier still, considering the fact that she is the flight risk in many ways. but once she's chosen to stay somewhere, she will normally plant her feet on the ground and stay rooted. she was stopped from running because she decided that protecting ichiro from his own self-loathing mattered more to her than her trauma. it mattered more to her than protecting herself from getting hurt again.
but he's the one leaving now. of course he is. this is familiar too. when someone realizes you're too ugly to keep.
the voice in her head is berating, but it's clearly talking to herself: you knew this would happen. why did you try again. look at what you've done to him. what do you ever hope to get more than you already have. they'll all leave once you make a mistake and you've made so many. don't trust don't love don't trust don't love what's wrong with you everything]
Okay.
[she smiles, and it's perfect. it's convincing, and it's easy. her voice doesn't shake, or waver. she ignores the tears that prick at the corners of her eyes and fall.]
Sorry.
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Iris, what do you want me to do.
[ i'm begging you.
because it's not convincing. at all. he's not convinced for a fucking second, and if he leaves, he's the scum of the fucking earth, but does she want him to leave? does she want him to stay? does she want him to say something or fight for it or --
how can I stop hurting you? ]
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so she speaks - and there's no room for thoughts, because they all leave her mouth in a rush even as her expression breaks a little.]
.... I don't want you to be mad at yourself. You can be mad at me. But why would I let you be mad at yourself when you haven't done anything wrong? You can lose your temper, and you can yell at me, and I'm not scared. But you get mad at yourself when you experience anything bad and -
That's not right. You only do good.
I've tried to tell you that I have nothing to give - I never have. I'm not good at this. I like you, but I can't promise anything because this is a ridiculous place, and things got so complicated.
I want you to be happy, but all I do is make things worse. So I wish you would go, and ignore me.
I'll be okay. I'm not blind to how fortunate I am. But I don't want to hurt anyone either. I don't want to hurt you.
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